Daddy OhSunday, August 02, 2015
with Tony Robinson
God, the best maker of all marriages,
Combine your hearts in one,
Your realms in one.
-- Shakespeare, Henry V, V, 2
COMBINE your hearts in one and you'll have a marriage made in Heaven. I'm sure you've heard that term, and indeed it's what many people yearn for, especially women. Well, men do yearn for a marriage made in Heaven too, but they don't express it as much. Women are always seeking the perfect man, their knight in shining armour, their Prince Valiant, and the perfect life which comes with the perfect marriage.
But getting married can be great, if you're fortunate to link up with the right person. If not, that statement about Heaven will be downgraded to that other place, and it'll be a marriage made in Hell. The stories I have heard are not pretty. "I tell you, she's the devil in Hell, the devil in Hell."
Even so, that's not what this is all about today on this blessed Sunday. Today, we delve into the institution of marriage, yes, the good ones, and examine some of the myths and rules that should be debunked.
Marital myths, right after we hear what these people had to say about 'The anatomy of deception'.
Deception is played out through trickery, lying, and in some instances, scamming. In scamming, the con artist employs deception with practised skill, and is usually successful when the victim, 'the mark', 'the target', is gullible, ignorant, naïve or just plain greedy. These adjectives could also apply to the ones being cheated on over the long term. Usually the signs are there when one cheats over a long period of time, but the 'victim' does not see, or wants to see, the signs.
It's the most awful and terrible thing to be deceived, made even worse because the person who does it was someone who you placed so much love and especially, trust in. When trust is breached it can never be retrieved, and even if you 'forgive' the deceiver, deep down in the back of your mind the memory is still there, and it hurts. You may not show it, and may act as if everything is back to normal, but you can never truly forgive a deceiver.
Marriage can be a good thing, a great experience, if you have a partner who you not only love, but also like. Oh yes, do not take that word 'like' lightly, for I know quite a few people who say they love each other but don't really like each other at all due to various reasons, such as bad habits
or bad ways as we like to
say. Sounds confusing, but it does happen.
"I love my wife, but Lord she can nag." "I love my husband, but I can't stand his slovenly ways and really dislike him for that," are both common statements from men and women. Some women can't stand a bone in their husband's body by day, but live to love him at night when the lights go out.
Now, apart from that, there were always rules handed down from generation to generation, designed to make a marriage succeed. "Remember, marriage have teeth, so make sure you abide by the rules." Or, "Marriage takes hard work to make it succeed," was the conventional wisdom. But why should marriage be work, and why should it have rules to make it work?
Shouldn't it be a natural process, something pleasurable, that you enjoy doing? I think it only takes work and needs rules if both parties are incompatible. Then you need to adjust and shift and shuffle and really work
at it. Who wants to work
all day then come home to work again?
Sometimes too many rules only lead to confusion, for what works for one couple may not apply to another. Very often, these rules should be debunked and simply be put in the category of myths, not to be adhered to.
For example, my father always used to say, "Never go to bed angry." For that rule to be applied, many people would never go to bed for weeks. The experts say 'hogwash'. If your wife or husband ticks you off and makes you angry during the day, by all means go to bed ticked off. Tomorrow is another day and the anger will fade by then. Plus, making love with a little anger can be a turn on... I'm told.
Another myth is, 'always be honest'. Now, as much as honesty is great and noble, it's not always wise to be totally honest with your spouse. Do you remember the line by Jack Nicholson in the movie A Few Good Men?.... "You can't handle the truth!" Well, it applies in real life too.
For example, if you're seen talking to several men at different times, innocently of course, and your hubby asks you, "Who were those guys, honey?" Don't ever be totally honest and tell him, "Oh, they were all my ex-boyfriends, honey." See my point? Some people cannot handle honesty. As the old saying goes, "Is
not everything good fi eat good fi talk."
Another myth is, 'Fighting is bad.' Fighting in this sense doesn't mean physical fighting, for that is totally out of the question, but fussing and quarrelling. Now, I must confess that I was never quarrelsome or a fighter in that sense of the word. I'm more of the strong silent type who likes to reason out things rationally. At least my better half thinks so.
I never witnessed my father raise his voice in anger to my mother in their many decades of marriage, so I guess children do live what they learn. But I have friends who often have rip-roaring loud quarrels that would make a sketel run and hide. And yet they have strong, loving marriages. They simply let off steam then it's back to normal after. So whatever works is good. Dash away those myths about not fighting. Just don't be verbally abusive.
Now here's one that wives do not like to hear, "Kids come first." That, too, is a myth that should be debunked. Of course you should love, nurture and cherish your children, but not to the detriment of your marriage. Many marriages have been destroyed because parents put children not only first, but above and beyond their partner.
I know wives who do that, totally alienating their husbands, and I know men who do it also with their daughters, shutting out the wives as they lavish too much on the daughter, spoiling her rotten and wrecking the marriage in the process. There are cases where the birth of a first child signals the end of the marriage as the wife totally ignores the husband lavishing the newborn baby with attention. What a bitter irony.
'Never sleep in separate beds' once a rule, is a myth, the experts posit. They say that it's okay to do so. Well, I must admit that I do not agree with the experts here, for I do not believe in sleeping in separate beds while married. At
least not while I'm still strong and lusty.
My wife shares my view too, so it must be true... also, the part about being strong and lusty... but I digress. The experts say that rule can apply to people who snore or have other terrible unpleasant bodily function conditions, and truth be told, I have heard wives say, "We sleep in separate rooms because he snores like a bulldozer."
'You must have the same hobbies and interests.' Now, that is a myth of epic proportions, for if you both do the same things all the time, a sameness will slowly creep into the marriage. Have different hobbies and interests and do different things for a happy marriage. "No Marsha, I will not take up needlework and crochet and join you in your hobby."
Now here's a marriage myth that caught my interest, the one that says 'You shouldn't have sex with your spouse just to please them, even if you aren't into it.' What a crock! A good wife knows when to drop it like it's hot, even if she isn't at the time. And a
good hubby knows he's to start his engine even if his fuel tank says low. It's called give and take.
So most of those so-called marriage rules designed to make marriages happy are merely myths and should be debunked. Enjoy each other and be flexible. Read your partner and enjoy each other.
Footnote: One thing is sure, marriage has changed over the years, and now the USA has legalised same-sex marriage. The permutations are interesting, to say the least. Man and woman, man
and man, woman and woman, man and multiple women. Now there's a new one, at least new to me, called Polyamorous, not to be confused with Polygamous.
In this scenario, three people are all married to each other, one man and two women. Naturally, they all sleep with each other. He sleeps with wife number one and wife number two, while both wives, who are also married to each other, also sleep together. Both wives also have children for the husband. Polyamorous.
I also saw where a group is lobbying for paedophilia to be made legal, as long as the
child consents to the act. What next, legalised paedophilia marriages? I wonder what those who practise bestiality are saying?