YOU got a job but it is Not your dream job.

You are still waiting for Bill Gates to call or for one of the companies that you really want to work with to respond to the letter of application you submitted four months ago.

Additionally, you want to show the people who hired you that they did a foolish thing. Want to get fired? Here is a fool-proof plan.

1 Come to work late. Come to work late often. Don’t offer an explanation. When they speak to you about it, give a really lame excuse like “I am trying to see what is the latest time I can wake up and still get to work on time. It will help if you develop the habit of going to dances (or whatever other passion you may have) every night of the work week. This will ensure that you will not be able to get up in time to go to work. If you do make it to work you will have very little energy for efficient work.

2 Don’t follow established procedures or rules. Pretend that the forms and the procedures that the company had been using before you arrived do not exist. Do whatever you feel like. This is a great way to show your creativity. I was told that “those who follow all the rules miss all the fun”.

3 Take what is not yours without permission. That includes stationery, money, items belonging to other employees, and using company equipment to do your own work and/or errands. You can start with little irritations like consuming other employees’ food and drink without their permission. Later, assuming the people are afraid to fire you, you can move up to actually running your own business (roasting), while on company time and using company resources.

4 Spend work time on the telephone dealing with your personal business, after all, when will you be able to speak with your aunt when she only has access to a telephone at work. When else can you find time to pay your bills via teleservices? You missed the movie last night, your friend will be happy to give you a detailed account.

5 Take extended lunches. Everybody knows that you need to eat at a relaxed pace in order for digestion to take place properly. You also need to do your shopping, submit your application for that course, etc.

6 Blame someone else for all your mistakes. Show that you are not accountable for your actions. ‘They’ didn’t offer to show you what to do for the 10th time and ‘they’ knew that you were not paying attention the other nine times.

7 Expect to be motivated by others. It is the supervisor’s responsibility to encourage you to do what you were hired to do. The manager didn’t smile with you this morning, doesn’t he know that you will be pre-occupied wondering what he found out about you?

8 Don’t try to get along with the other members of the team. It is their responsibility to make friends with you. You don’t have to be polite or ask them anything. As an alternative, you could try to turn your workplace into you own speed dating club. Why not see how many of your co-workers ‘yu can deh wid’, preferably at the same time?

9 Dress as you please. This includes being untidy by not pressing your clothing or mending loose hems or replacing missing buttons. Wear dirty clothing.

Men should also wear shirts with frayed necks, while the ladies wear belly-baring tops at least once per week or jeans that show your thong. Gentlemen, remember to wear your pants so that the crack of your butt shows. These are just more signs of your creativity and individuality.

10 Abuse email and internet facilities. This is the information age, right? If they did not want you to spend the day sending and receiving email and text messages on Yahoo and MSN they wouldn’t have given you access to a computer with on-line facilities. You can even use your headphone mike to talk to your friends all over the world on SKYPE and to download those big files that take so much time at home. ‘Dats what high speed internet deh-deh fah.’

11 Leave early or stop working 30 minutes before work officially ends. Even if you don’t leave, head for the bathroom and start fixing up yourself to leave. As one employee put it, he could not afford to let the same thing happen twice in one day – late to come to work and late to go home.

If you do all this, plus ignore verbal and written warnings, you will be out of a job in no time.

Dr Semaj is a frequent facilitator for Strategic Planning Retreats, Cultural Alignment and Organisational Restructuring. He conducts Staff Selection and Development Programmes for different business sectors across the Caribbean.