After having my fifth child – who died nine years ago – the doctors called me in to do tests for cancer and HIV. When they called I went willingly to do the tests, because I know the women in my family have a history of cancer. Six weeks later when I went to get the test results, I found out I was positive for both cervical cancer and HIV.

As soon as I found out I started getting treatment for both, and I joined a support group called JN+, Jamaica Network of Sereo-Positives. That was a really important move for me, because I was so depressed, and angry and hurt, but when I met people living with the virus for five, 10, even 20 years, I realised that there was hope.

I decided that I wanted to learn more about this disease. I knew I wanted to stay alive for my kids, because at the time my children were pretty young. My dream now is to see them grow up, see them through college, and into adulthood.

HIV has changed the entire course of my life. But even though everything has changed there are lots of things I want to accomplish, dreams I want to see come through and so on. For instance, I’m pretty young still – I’m only 36 – and I still have hopes of getting married, although I feel sometimes like its’ not getting there.

Then there are the drugs. At first it was like 20-something pills for me every day. Vitamins, anti-retrovirals, plus my diabetic tablets. I’d take two AVRs in the morning, two in the afternoon and two at night. There’s another one I’d take two of. Then I have to take Vitamin E, C, D and B, that’s 12, Calcium supplements, Zinc and Iron. And that in addition to the diabetic tablets, two/ three times a day and two of the other ones for diabetes. That 20 odd. in one day. That was when I first started. Now, I’m on four different kinds of anti-retrovirals. I take two of one and the other three in the morning and again in the evening, that’s five twice a day plus the vitamins, diabetes pills. Trust me, it’s a lot.

My two cellphones are my constant, companions, and I set them to alarm when its time for the pills. The cellphones, plus help from my fiancé and my oldest daughter, is how I managed to keep up with the regime. My fiancé works nearby, so if I miss the alarm I can count on him calling or coming by to remind me to take the pills. My daughter too, if I’m sleeping for instance, and she’s there she always wakes me up and asks if I’ve remembered to take the pills.

From time to time, though, I still forget. Like yesterday I was washing, I knew I was going to be outside washing when it was time for the 10:00 tablet, so I put it in my pocket and went to wash. I was there washing, washing, and I never realised the time. It was when the 11:00 alarm went off that I remembered and of course, that’s not good.

These drugs, you’re supposed to take them the same time every day – 10 in the night, 10 in the morning, and when you miss out, its not good at all. This disease is like a business partner, you have to work with your partner and keep up your end of the responsibility for this to work. I have to work with these tablets.

This is my third set of AVRs. My first set, I didn’t react well to, and that’s one of the reasons I became diabetic. Then during the second regime, I had to stop taking the pills because I had a surgery, and after the surgery I found the virus had developed resistance to those drugs. I don’t really get sick, I’ve only been seriously ill twice, with pneumonia. But usually I feel fine. I get up every day, I do my housework, if I have to go out on the road I try to walk instead of taking bus or taxi, and I am pretty active.

Before the HIV I was fat – I’m about 5’6 and I weighed about 180-something pounds and I wasn’t sick or anything. Even when they told me I was positive, I got pretty angry. I said ‘What! You’re mad! You’ve mixed up my results with someone else, because that can’t be mine!’ because the only stories I heard was that persons who mawga down and full of lesions, is them have AIDS. And I wasn’t mawga. In fact I used to be about 205 pounds, cause I’m coming from a very fat family. It’s only since this new set of drugs that I’ve started losing weight, and now I’m at about 134 lbs, but this is a more healthy weight for me.

In my family, my brothers and sisters know, my mother knows, and they all are very supportive. Right now it’s my mother that helps me with the medication. I’m not working right now, so she’s the one that helps me to buy medication and food for the children.

Of my four children, only my oldest daughter knows. And when she found out, it was a terrible time. She just could not cope with it.

When I was in the hospital, I had a friend I thought was a good friend, and I don’t know why, but she assumed that I had told my daughter about my status and she called my daughter and told her. The next day I was released and when my daughter got home that evening we had a big argument where she accused me of lying and hiding the truth from her. I didn’t say yes or no, I couldn’t even look in her face, but she knew.

At the time, my daughter was giving a little trouble, just normal teenage behaviour, but from that moment she started acting out. She started skulling school, she had an attitude, no teacher could talk to her, and she was just angry. Eventually they kicked her out of school and I had to get her into another school, and she got kicked out again. I had to go to the ministry and beg for her, and I got her into another school, but she dropped out.

After that she ran away from home, went to live with a boyfriend and got pregnant. That was a whole big stress on me, watching all my dreams and hopes for this child to get a good education fade because she got pregnant before she finished high school. But my biggest worry was ‘Is she HIV positive?’ Knowing that I’m living with HIV, I just was so fearful I’d hear the same about her.

Fortunately she did the test and it came back negative, and that was such a relief! She came back home before she had the baby, because during her pregnancy she was very sickly and needed me to care for her. Since then our relationship has been a lot better. I wouldn’t say it’s perfect, but it’s coming along.

I asked her if I should tell her sister, and she insisted no. I think I’ll tell my second daughter about my status after she’s finished doing her CXCs. Based on my experience with my first daughter, I think that’s the best way to go. I don’t really want her studies to be disrupted the way my first daughter had hers interrupted.

I worry about the other children finding out that I have the disease, especially because I am very active in various HIV/AIDS education and sensitisation programmes that take place around the country. I always worry that maybe one day give a presentation and one of their friends are there, or something like that.

It’s really hard to keep my status quiet from my kids. Especially my youngest son, he always is asking, ‘Mummy why do you take so many pills everyday?’ and I have to lie to him and tell him it’s for my diabetes. But all my kids know everything about safe sex, from HIV to STIs, even how to put on a condom. Right now one of the programmes I’m working with is aimed at teaching kids how to talk to their parents about sex and HIV, and sometimes I bring them along. They’re well-informed.

For Jamaicans, what I realise, is that you can tell them that HIV is around, but their idea of a person with HIV is someone mawga down and full of lesions. That’s when it hits them that this thing is here, not until it is in front them is it a reality thing.

I realise that it’s when I go out there and tell people I am HIV positive that it hits them that you really can’t tell by looking, and that’s why I’ll keep working with these groups to raise awareness. January coming I’ll be living with HIV for 9 years, but I plan to live for a long time to come.