FOR some women, an abortion means not having to hang on to an intimate relationship gone sour and correcting an unplanned pregnancy. A 2002 survey, which interviewed 102 Jamaican women who, over time, had their pregnancies terminated, found that just over one-tenth of them did so because they did not want children; but there was a tinier group, four per cent, who said it was their partners who did not want kids.

That is the position that a 22-year-old woman from St Catherine – who spoke to the Sunday Observer on condition of anonymity – found herself in three years ago, then aged 19.

She had only started her first year at university when she became pregnant.

At first, she had every intention of keeping the baby, but the father’s reaction to her pregnancy caused her to rethink.

“When I told him I was pregnant, he wasn’t enthused so I decided to abort the baby,” she said.

But she was also keen to keep her mother, a well-respected member of their local church and whom she lived with at the time, in the dark about her pregnancy, fearing she would have been disappointed and embarrassed.

Most of the details of this 22-year-old’s life was deliberately left out of the story so that she could not be identified.

“Before I got pregnant, my mother asked me if I was having sex and I told her no,” she said.

“So if I told her that I was pregnant she would have known that I lied to her, and I have never lied to my mother because we have a close relationship. I am her only child.”

Her pregnancy was confirmed at the campus clinic, where she went for the test having missed her period for two months.

“I was in denial at first, but then I went and checked it out – I was pregnant and he (boyfriend) wasn’t in agreement to keep it,” she said.

“At first, because of my principles I was going to keep it, then I changed my mind because the guy who got me pregnant started to shun me and ignored my calls. So I decided that I didn’t want to have a child for this person.”

When she informed him about her decision to abort the baby, she said he was very eager to terminate the pregnancy and even provided the $8,000 for the procedure to be done by a doctor in Kingston.

But until he was able to raise this money, she made sure to wear only baggy clothes to hide her growing stomach, isolating her friends, and skipping classes.

“It was very hard for me because I had this worried look on my face and anyone who looked at me could tell that I was depressed,” she said. “I was very depressed. I did not go to any of my classes and I would just sit outside all day and stare at the sky.”

By the time the father of her baby was able to find a doctor, she was four and a half months pregnant – around 18 weeks.

“His father found a doctor for us, but the doctor said he could not do the abortion because I was too far along so he referred us to someone that would do it,” she said.

At this point of any pregnancy, the mother will begin to feel fetal movement, the circulatory system and urinary tract as well as the limbs are being developed.

The foetus would have been around 5.5 inches in length and weigh about six ounces. Additionally, the eyebrows, eyelashes and fine hair appears.

“The doctor told me that he had to drug (kill) the baby, and it would fall out of me in 24 hours,” she said, adding that she does not recall much of the ordeal having managed over the years to suppress what she referred to as a ‘frightful’ event.

She said the doctor inserted a substance, by hand, in her cervix, through the vagina, which was supposed to poison the baby.

“It didn’t work, so I had to go back and get it done again,” she added.

“The Friday night after I got the drugs, I washed with cold sweat, and the Saturday I couldn’t walk because I was feeling a lot of pain.”

Her mother was still oblivious to her situation so she had to endure her ordeal alone, and quietly.

She said the Saturday was the most difficult and gut-wrenching time for her that weekend, as she was able to feel the baby inside her stomach battling for its life as the drugs began to take effect.

The next day, she woke up in the wee hours of the morning with the urge to use the bathroom.

“It happened at about 3 o’clock the Sunday morning. I felt like I had to do a number two (defecate), but it was the baby coming out,” she said.

“It fell in the toilet and I flushed it … All I could think about is that I wanted it to be over. I know it sounds cruel, but after going through what I did for five months you have to understand.”

She cut the umbilical cord herself with a pair of scissors.

Her period began immediately.

However, she said the doctor was surprised that she was able to flush the foetus without clogging up the toilet when she visited his office on the Monday. She said he removed the placenta at that time.

“He gave me an injection to stop the excess bleeding and I also got three sets of medicines, which included antibiotics that I had to take for about a month,” she said.

“The doctor told me that I was lucky because in some situations the foetus falls out of the pregnant women while they are walking on the street.”

The 22-year-old still hopes to have children sometime in the future.

“The doctor told me that I can have children because I did not get any infections,” she said.

She has not told her mother of the experience and has no immediate plans to do so, but she remains haunted, she said, by the memories.

“For me, I had to just put it behind me, but I still have flashbacks and I cry sometimes when I think about it,” she said.

But she also feels that her experience has strengthened her ability to empathize with others and has helped generate passion for her job.

“I can relate to my clients,” she said. “I had the passion to help people, but I think I take it more seriously especially in dealing with rape victims.”

davidsont@jamaicaobserver.com