Full many a lady

I have eyed with best regard…

But you, o you,

So perfect and so peerless are created

Of every creature’s best.

— Shakespeare, The Tempest III, 1

THIS perfection that women strive for is not natural, in most cases, and even though they want us to think so, they do a lot of unnatural preparations to try and look natural. True, I have seen many natural beauties who are jaw-dropping, breathtaking, drop-dead gorgeous. But the truth is, women are mostly manufactured.

It’s a fact that Venezuela, known for its record number of Miss Universe titles, manufactures these women with the help of plastic surgery, diet and other means, to make them beautiful. Just as an athlete trains for perfection, it’s all in the preparation. But first, some feedback to Giving Thanks After Sex, including some major cussing.

Mr Robinson,

Your article for the most part is so male chauvinistic that I had to laugh. You are hanging with the wrong crowd and chose to write on these people, Sir. I can clearly see that you have never been with a real woman, neither have your friends, nor have you ever conversed with real women, who are women in bed. You seem to move with the low lifes who are selfish and are the minority of the group of people for which your articles are based on. With all that said, Mr Robinson, speaking for myself, if thanks has to go around after sex, the man I am with would have to get down on his knees and tell me thanks, so don’t get your ideas twisted. There are some real women out there who are real women in bed, and not the Queen Victoria or the dead hog type. We are the type who if you are a marathon man, we are there side by side, and not faking it, and if you are the one-minute man, we know what to do to make you a middle-distance runner.

Val

Teerob,

I swear, you’re spying on me, as everything you say is true and pertains to me, my woman, my family, or should I say, my ex-family. No thanks, no love, no nothing.

Ricky

Hello Teerob,

Week after week I read your articles and think to myself, “Bwoy, him hit de nail right pon de head.” This one was perfect. Thanks for reminding us women of one important fact. ‘Thank you’ is in order. Every line of the article was true.

Andrelene

What a wonderful world we live in, as it takes different strokes to please different folks, and I do put the emphasis on the word strokes, for without that, there’s not much pleasing women. The last thing that you want to do is not please a woman, tick her off, make her unhappy, but unfortunately, almost everything that men do causes some degree of irritation or annoyance to women.

The perennial question that men ask is, “Is what me do now?” He’ll never know, but he has done something to upset her. Maybe it’s current, perhaps it’s way in the past, or even something to come, but rest assured, he has annoyed her. And trust me, women multiply things, giving lie to the rule that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby; if you give her a house, she’ll give you a home; if you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal; give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart; but give her crap and she’ll rain down a storm of effluence on you that all the cesspool trucks in Jamaica could not clean up. Still, women keep on trying to be attractive to men, for they want to have them, to hold them, to keep them as their own.

For some women, it’s not a difficult task, but for others, they really have to work at it. When a man takes a shower, shaves, pulls on his clothes and goes to pick up a woman, he has no idea what she went through to look presentable for him. She has to prepare. The irony is, even though she wants to look as natural as possible, she uses unnatural products to get the natural look.

Most men don’t know these secrets, and it’s no accident that one of the biggest lines of female accoutrements is named Victoria’s Secret. Well, a woman sent me a list of the things that they have to do as they prepare themselves for the arrival of their man, or any man for that matter.

First of all she says, “We have to find ways to disguise the flab on our naked bodies, by using candles, soft lighting, and for hopeless cases, total darkness.” So don’t think that all that mood lighting and romantic stuff is for the man; it’s really to disguise her flaws. That’s why it’s never wise to pick up women in nightclubs, for that soft lighting and smoke make every woman look attractive. It’s only when you see her in the light of day that you see who she really is. “My God, Sheree, is you that… you… look… so… different.”

It’s best to meet women in daylight, at the gym, beach, supermarket, or church, where you can see everything, as the saying goes, warts and all, and not be surprised. Then she goes on to say, “We have to find the right thing to wear, sexy lingerie, but not too sexy that we look like a hooker.” Well, sexy lingerie can be great I suppose, but personally, a loose T-shirt works just fine for me, or even better, nothing at all.

Women must know that when they slip into bed stark naked, the man knows that she’s ready, willing and able for a night of fun. That takes the guesswork out of the evening, for you know how ‘sometimish’ women can be. Only she knows what’s going to happen. The man is there at work, thinking all day about a night of fun, but she knows from morning that it ain’t gonna happen, and comes to bed in her jeans and shirt, or even falls asleep in her work clothes.

She continues, “We have to shave our legs, armpits, upper lips, to avoid competition with the man in the hairy department.” And there I was, thinking that all women were silky smooth and had skin like babies. They have to prepare. Then, to add to that, she says, “We have to buy creams for soft skin, creams to smell nice, and creams to make our bodies glisten in the right places.”

Now hold on just a minute, are they saying that the whole healthy body thing is just an illusion, that all that smooth skin and nice smell is merely as a result of Noxzema, Nadinola and Oil of Olay? What about au naturel, as the French say? Oh no, say the women, it’s a process, and the various creams and oils are just part of the process. But the trick is to apply only enough so that they don’t come across as being plastered like a streetwalker. It has to be applied, yes, but applied so that no man can detect it.

“Oh honey, your skin is so soft and smooth, and you smell so nice, I love it that you’re so naturally beautiful.” Ha, if only he knew. Just an aside, but I know a woman who has spent almost $3 million on her teeth to make them look natural. She still has no man.

Then there is the ubiquitous mani-pedi. Now it’s a fact that many men have a foot fetish, or at least some degree of a foot fetish. A woman’s feet can be such a turn-on, or turn-off as the case may be. A woman’s beautifully sculpted ankles and toes can drive men wild, and conversely her gnarled, grungy feet that resemble turkey claws or the roots of a guango tree can drive men away, even though the rest of her is beautiful. So enter the mani-pedi to enhance all this. My source says that the mani-pedi is essential in female preparation. The fact that some men love to suck women’s toes is testament to this.

My source continues, “And don’t get me started on the hair. If it’s a weave, it should not be detectable, if it’s a wig, it must not come off before, during or after passion. If it’s natural, it can’t be plaited in unappealing, childish cornrows.”

And finally, “Our home has to be immaculate, with no dishes in the sink, or he’ll think that we’re nasty. The bathroom must be spruced up with no underwear hanging, and food must be in the fridge.”

So for you men who didn’t know, women have to prepare for you, it’s no magical quick fix. So when you say you’re picking her up and she says, “Give me four hours to prepare,” don’t be upset, for she may very well need that amount of time, or even more, for usually you’ll have to go and sit and wait even longer anyway. So after all that, make sure you spend on her, for all her preparations don’t come cheap.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: As we are still now in the festive season, I urge everyone, especially ladies, to take care of your personal safety. Try and walk in groups if you can, do not expose cash, don’t walk in the streets yakking on your cell phones, and trust no stranger. Do not get into an unmarked taxi alone, and if everyone gets out and leaves you alone, get out too. If you’re in the cab alone, sit behind the driver, not beside him. Be careful in parking lots, and avoid secluded places, and please, do not leave your rear car doors open, or your handbag or laptop exposed on the seats. Every time you leave your house, to even throw out the garbage or hang out the washing, lock the door behind you. It can be tedious, but you don’t know who’s watching you, and trust me, you are being watched. Be careful, but still, have a wonderful and safe holiday.