Oh Oh The Worst of 2009
It’s that time of the year again, when TEENage looks over the BEST and WORST of the previous year. And as we always do, here goes the worsts first. We know there will be lots of comments, so just send them to TEENage@jamaicaoobserver.com.
Rhythm – Fitness (Stephen McGregor)
Although carrying a few popular party songs, TEENage voted Fitness rhythm by ‘Di Genius’ as worst for the year because we expected more. Most other rhythms by the young producer receive a lot more attention because of catchy beats and good songs, but this was not the case here. It wasn’t a fast or slow beat; it was unusual for the party scene, but perfect for advertisements and the like. The song by Elephant Man almost didn’t even sound like the same rhythm, and many people knew nothing of the ones by Raine Seville and Carri Jess.
New Artiste – Chase Cross
Chase Cross came to the masses with his song Better Days. A proud member of the Gully squad, many expected that he would take flight in the business with the help of Gully fans. That wasn’t exactly what happened. He put out songs, but nobody knew his music, because of lack of airplay and lack of rotation on the party scene. His lyrics seemed repetitive, and many people still don’t know the man behind the music.
For a new artiste, he needed to have put himself more out there and let people see him and make the connection. Another thing he could work on for 2010 is avoiding that strange Darth Vadar voice that makes his already ‘Jamerican’ accent sound a bit too different.
Song (Female) – Proud of My Bleaching by Lisa Hype
Proud of My Bleaching begins with an interpolation of Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful, which is oxymoronic in the sense that she speaks of self-love. Proud of My Bleaching speaks nothing of loving self for who you are and how you look, but only of self-mutilation to achieve some people’s perceived notion of beauty. Championing the act of bleaching deserves no accolades and being a “bleaching pro” is nothing to be proud of. Lisa Hype is a talented artiste who has no need to be making a song like Proud of My Bleaching for shock value amongst the dancehall masses.
Song (Male) – Lightning Bolt by Vybz Kartel
A song can have a good concept in theory but be poorly executed on wax. Just because a song has a good message doesn’t necessarily make it a good song. This is the case with Vybz Kartel’s Lightning Bolt, which was done as a dedication track to the Jamaican sports icon after his exceptional performance at the 2009 World Championships in Berlin.
The first problem was the rhythm chosen for the track. It did not carry a celebratory tune that such a moment of triumph deserved.
Vybz Kartel is arguably the most gifted contemporary dancehall artiste. That said, certain standards of quality are expected to be met. The lyrics for Lightning Bolt came across as generic, rudimentary even, for someone of such extraordinary talent.
TEENage can understand that Vybz Kartel utilised more of a singing flow for melody purposes to achieve catchiness, but once again the choice of rhythm comes into play, as the vocals just did not match the production.
Everything that could have gone wrong with Lightning Bolt did go wrong, and a song that could have gained prominence for its content in Jamaica’s moment of immense patriotism missed its chance.
Game
The worst game of 2009 was easily Tony Hawk’s Ride. It tried to enter the market of unique controller games dominated by such titles such as Rockband and Guitar Hero, but it was not as good as promised by the legendary skater. Besides lacking the perfect plot of the previous instalments, such as Tony Hawk Underground 2, the game play was simply terrible. The idea of having a skateboard as a controller was very unique, and if fully developed, Tony Hawk’s Ride could have been one of the best sports games of the year. But with its repetitive input and outdated physics mechanisms, it is a disgrace to all skateboarders worldwide. We at TEENage hope that Tony Hawk completely revamps his idea of a new fun style of virtual skateboarding, unless he wants his title of being a respectable videogame publisher to be further tarnished.
Book – Nightlight — A Twilight Parody
The idea of someone making fun of Twilight is not new at all. Whether it be someone joking about Bella’s insecurities and infinite weaknesses or talking about the irony of Stephenie Meyer trying to create a book that teaches the lesson that being superficial is bad, and true love supersedes good looks. Or even making a character who is attractive solely because of his ‘perfect’ features, Twilight is ripe for comedy.
The thing that makes the book bad is not the fact that it is making fun of Twilight, but the fact that someone actually devoted so much effort to making fun of a series which really does not matter. There are people who make fun of the Harry Potter series (though they are, thankfully, few and far between). We true fans of good literature only shake our heads and wag our fingers. For someone to actually make a book to show how bad Twilight is, is unnecessary as there is already such a book. The series and author Stephenie Meyer just showcase the stereotypical fog of the “Perfect Man” (which has been redefined to be synonymous with Edward Cullen and his merry Cullen Band). Just read the series for what it is, cleverly disguised drugs for pre-pubescent girls. Let us hope that Meyer either refuses to write any more or puts an end to this pitiful series so that no more parody books will be made.
Collaboration: Cyaan Get We Out – Prodigal Son featuring D’Angel
Sometimes an out-of-the-blue collaboration can add up to a not-so-refreshing sound. The collaboration between Prodigal Son and D’Angel, Cyaan Get We Out, jumps to mind.
The song, which can be described as a musical miscarriage of 2009, speaks about perseverance despite all the controversial happenings the two underwent prior to the release. Both D’Angel and Prodigal Son have done some stellar work with other artistes throughout their musical careers. But this collaboration is not one. When TEENage first heard it, we thought they were messing with us, and that it was a joke. But we thought wrong.
Video – No Games (International Version) by Serani
Directed by Mike Nichols
No Games by Serani was a local and regional hit in 2008. In 2009, it began to gain major airplay on urban radio stations throughout the United States. The song already had a low-budget video for Jamaica, but as it became more popular, a video of international standards was being called for. This was done and it was an utter disappointment.
The green-screen technology used to create an interactive background that had the stereotypical Caribbean themes of sun, palm trees, and the beach was brightly animated throughout the video. If a Caribbean backdrop was the goal, there was no need for a computerised one as the video could have simply been done in Jamaica like its predecessor.
No Games had good camera quality, but there is hardly anything else to be commended.
For a song that could easily have had visuals to relate to its storyline, the international version failed to deliver. The video basically consists of Serani serenading a woman with random dancing scenes and cameos.
The concept for No Games was weak, it lacked originality and did not utilise the immense potential it had to catapult the song from an urban to a mainstream hit internationally.
Media personality – Amita
We are told that ignorance is no excuse, which is why we say without apology that Amita needs to ‘ketch-up’ because she is not bringing anything to television that viewers would want to see. The Captain’s Bakery Fi WI Choice Video Top 20 Charts is a new show that desperately needs a lifeline.
Radio personality – Denise Hunt
It is really too bad when you can’t have it all. Where there is the best, the worst is often not far behind. Such is the case with Denise Hunt who. Yeah, she had great personality on the other station, but it just hasn’t translated. Somewhere in the mix it becomes really lifeless. It seems the television is her best friend because that afternoon radio slot is not pleasing to all ears.
Dance – Wash pan
Clearly, we have become accustomed to the washing machine because the Wash Pan dance move failed to make an impact in 2009. The verdict is out, and this washed-up version of another once-popular female dance move just, put plain and simple, ‘neva buss’.
Dressed (male) – Usain Bolt
Well, last year belonged to this gentleman for a number of reasons, but who knew that he would make the feared TEENage ‘Worst Of’ list in a year that supposedly belonged to him. Breaking three world records and once again becoming the fastest man in the world, Usain St Leo Bolt was the man to be in 2009. But when it comes to style and proper grooming he is low out of the blocks. To be in the public eye so often, Bolt has to grasp the dos and don’ts. And if time doesn’t allow, then invest in a stylist. Being better dressed would open more doors for the world’s fastest man — think of the number of brands that would love to market their product with an athlete that is smooth, suave, sophisticated and edgy, like David Beckham.
Dressed (female) – Pamputtae
In a year when fashion transcended what we usually see in Jamaica (most, if not all entertainers reinvented themselves and looked stylish), this one female DJ tried and tried and tried again, but just kept on missing the stylish nod. With overly-tight clothes, Pamputtae might be spitting catchy lyrics, but when it came to fashion and the way she carried herself, both on and off the stage, she was a disaster. Think back to Sting ’09, enough said. To compete in an industry where the women are sizzling otherwise, Pamputtae needs to take some advice from Lt Stitchie: “young girl wear yuh size”.
Fashion trend (male) – Fake ‘Brand’age
2009 was the year of fashion trends. Styles were created and others remixed and reinvented. Now, we are all accustomed to Puma, Nike, Adidas and would merely hear or dream about owning brands such as Louis Vuitton, Armani Exchange, and Gucci. But in ’09 these brands were all over the streets — the copycat variety — and the brand of choice was Gucci. Everywhere there was someone wearing the belts, pants, shoes, sandals, shirts, hats or bags. And in any given party there were 100 people wearing Gucci. NB: If you want to wear the REAL thing you’ve got to pay the price. Being fashionable isn’t cheap.
Female Trend – Ripped/Patterned Leggings
Leggings were, and still are, the hot must-haves in a women’s closets, some of them at least. Flesh-coloured, patterned and metallic ones most definitely aren’t as cute as many may think, especially when they aren’t worn properly. For the most part, onlookers cringe at the sight of these thigh huggers that are nothing short of tasteless. Leggings are one of the most flexible items of clothing. You can dress them down for a casual day or turn it up a notch for a sleek, chic and trendy look. But they weren’t made for everyone! Also there is really no such thing as one-size fits all with leggings.
Party – French Connection
It was New Year’s Eve and everyone was dressed to impress for a night that was supposed to be unforgettable. Several parties were being staged that night, but much was expected from French Connection. With a new venue plus major PR push, French Connection seemed to be the party to be at to ring in 2010, but it was a major flop. The style quotient was present, but the vibe, drinks, food and décor were certainly not up to par considering the cost of the tickets. Drinks finished a bit early, the decor was nothing spectacular, and the food was bland. This certainly wasn’t what patrons bargained for. Sure, there are many other smaller parties that flopped, but all things considered, French Connection failed miserably to offer a one-of-a-kind New Year’s Eve experience.
Dancehall artiste – Bounty Killer
2009 was a great year for many dancehall acts, but when veteran Deejay Rodney Pryce, also known as Bounty Killer, called himself ‘plaza’ on Sting in reference to being the creator of both the Gully and the Gaza, he closed off what was arguably the worst year in his career. With no definite hits, and misguided aims at his musical son and former protégé Adijah ‘Vybz Kartel’ Palmer, ‘Plaza’, as he prefers to be called, failed in his bid to revive a once illustrious and well decorated career. This failure prompted Vybz Kartel to ask for him to retire to Heineken Startime. The high-point of his year came during his performance on Reggae Sumfest where he reminded the audience of a true dancehall icon. But instead of using this as motivation he focused all his strength and time in a much anticipated clash with Kartel that failed to materialise. If 2009 was not bad enough, Bounty made sure that 2010 will be when he used expletives in his anti-gay tirade at the Shaggy and Friends Concert in front of hundreds of Jamaican dignitaries and the international media. This not only spelt bad for the Alliance, but also his fellow dancehall counterparts and a very disappointed Orville ‘Shaggy’ Burrell. Bounty Killer owes the downward spiraling of his career to his now played out anti-gay lyrics and failed attempts to destroy the career of Vybz Kartel.
Minister – Audley Shaw
A Master of Arts Degree in Marketing, Finance and Public Relations coupled with once being the head of Parliament’s Public Accounts Committee have not set this man in good stead for the role of finance minister.
After being in the political wilderness for well over a decade, Shaw has failed miserably in his attempts to put Jamaica in good financial standing in the second year of the Government’s five-year term. In 2002, Shaw, as Opposition spokesman on finance, said that the JLP would create an investor-friendly climate that will allow people to get good quality permanent jobs once again. But his strategies so far have not borne fruit. Three tax increases in one budgetary year, along with a public sector wage freeze, prove that his promises have eluded the Jamaican people and the minister himself.
In Parliament he made the bold and irresponsible statement that the global financial crisis would not affect the island. Seven months later, that too has been dispelled and the administration has been trying to come up with new and innovative ways to raise funds, because of the effects of the recession.
Least Improved – Laden
Okeefe Aarons, also know as Laden, made a significant impact in the music industry for the year 2008. With a fan base from the popluar Digicel Rising Stars competition, and sailing along with Big Ship Records, Laden was expected to follow through into 2009 rocking the airwaves. But instead his songs became less popular, blamed marginally on his weekend stay in jail. He was in his prime, it was his Time to Shine, but compared to 2008 he basically did nothing in 2k9.
Worst International Artiste – Pitbull
Known for his reggaeton/hip hop fusions, the American born and bred rapper has lauched four albums since his kick off in 2004. Although popular for his catchy beats and lyrics in songs like I Know You Want Me and Hotel Room Service, and always looking GQ in the public eye, TEENage thinks that it’s about time this rapper worked on releasing
more than his collaborations. Besides this, his flow needs some work. Not that his voice doesn’t sound good, but at times he seems to be running ahead or behind the music.
The Worst Movie: Dragon Ball: Evolution
A few times each year, a movie comes along that makes the viewer just want to shake his or her head in disbelief at what has found its way to the screen. Dragonball: Evolution is amazing in its badness.
Dragonball Evolution is a low-wattage, live-action adaptation of the iconic manga and anime series Dragonball. The movie fuses the series with a somewhat lacklustre storyline involving average TEEN Goku, who breaks from his pining for classmate Chi-Chi to that he’s at the centre of an intergalactic search for the all-powerful Dragonballs also being sought by evil warlord Piccolo. With the help of master Roshi, Goku develops his fighting skills to take on Piccolo and save the Earth.
The bad dialogue and sluggish pace of the film was a major disappointment. It was executed with little skill or invention and lacks the magic that made the cartoon series a sensation. The story seems to have been made up as the film went along and it can be said, not by anyone talented. The plot has holes big enough to fly an Air Jamaica plane through and relies heavily on the audiences’ pre-existing knowledge of the original source material for everything to make sense. A host of clichéd moments and uneven CGI has cast no doubt in the mind of anyone who has watched it that it is indeed the worst movie of the year.
Female Artiste – Bar-bee
Sorry to say, 2009 really wasn’t a good year for songstress Bar-bee. After her song Love You Anyway, most were looking forward to many big things from this artiste, who unfortunately, didn’t deliver.She barely produced anything of substance this year, or if she did, the masses
don’t know anything about it.