If powers divine

Behold our human actions, as they do;

I doubt not then, but innocence shall make

False accusation blush.

— Shakespeare, The Winter’s Tale III, 2

ONE of the worst things in life is to be falsely accused and to be found guilty of something that you didn’t do. But perhaps even worse is to be caught red-handed, with your pants down around your ankles, caught in the act, flagrante delicto as they say in legal circles, busted, as we say in common parlance.

Still, there is innocent, there is guilty, and there is guilty with explanation. Ironically, usually when someone is in Traffic Court and pleads guilty with explanation, they are slapped with a heavier fine for wasting the court’s time with their long-winded chapter and verse. In affairs of the heart, though, when found guilty, you’d better explain away yourself, or your goose is cooked. But first, some feedback.

Hey Teerob,

Regarding your take on when to stop, you are so right on the button. Some of these old men simply do not know when to stop, as they think that they’re still in high school, even though their bodies belong in the old folks’ home. They will pursue young girls like they know what to do when they catch them. They should give it up and go home and read their Bible, for their better days are behind them. Their time to stop is now.

Vivienne

Hey Daddy Oh,

Stopping is no option for many of these old-timers who continue to run down girls younger than their daughters. They lavish gifts, rent or buy apartments for them and spend money on them like there is no tomorrow. And yet you always see them out alone. Reason is, these young girls are ashamed to be seen in public with men old enough to be their grandfather. Plus, many of these young girls drop bun pon dem every chance they get. Shame on them, time to stop the foolishness and go home to their wives.

Simone

Hi Tony,

Re your footnote on the achievement of primary schools, I couldn’t agree with you more. I have nothing against prep schools, but many primary schools have raised the bar and are shining in many areas. My daughter attended Bridgeport Primary and she is now a medical doctor. Many of my friends are crying about the $60,000 and $70,000 per term for prep school fees, and many other friends are smiling at the high GSAT passes of many primary schools. It’s about time that people stop turning up their noses at primary schools. There is no longer a gap.

Ronald

There is a saying that there are more innocent people inside prisons than there are outside, because every prisoner professes to be not guilty. The same applies to people who are locked in the emotional prison of love, for when they are accused of wrongdoing, or even caught in the act, they immediately proclaim their innocence.

Even Shaggy in his song says, “It wasn’t me”. And yet the guilty do exist, and in abundance too. Some folks say that the best thing to do when caught in the act is to deny, deny, deny. After all, the law states that guilt must be established beyond all reasonable doubt, so if you deny, deny, deny, you will sow the seeds of doubt and let your accuser begin to second-guess. Rumour has it that Sherlock Holmes’ famous line, “Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary”, was coined when his assistant, Watson, caught him in a compromising position with a very young girl. When Watson asked him, “Mr Holmes, what manner of schoolgirl is that?” his famous reply came, “Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary.”

Sadly, that joke is proving to be serious and all too common, as men prey on schoolgirls too often nowadays. The truth is though, women are better at explaining away guilt than men, and that’s why more men are found guilty in the court of love, and throughout history, men have borne the brunt and accusations of infidelity, lying, cheating, sexual trysts and other acts, when in fact the numbers are about even.

Why do you think that men of old had chastity belts made for their women when they went away for any period of time? The wives, of course, would act all demure and innocent and swear that they would never stray in hubby’s absence. And yet, chastity belts were in great demand. Scoff all you want at the idea, but I’m sure that if they could be brought back in this modern-day world, they would rival Viagra in sales. But men are always being accused of bad behaviour as they stand in the dock, wilting under the withering stare and accusations of jealous women.

At times they are guilty, but there’s also the presumption of guilt, and that’s where guilty with explanation comes into play. So you happen to leave your cell phone at home and go out for a few hours like Tiger Woods did. Like cream to a cat, the cellphone will attract your woman, and she will go through it like she’s researching on Google, just for the hell of it.

Stay with me now, for that simple act brought down a billion-dollar empire of golf, much less poor little you. So she finds texts to other females, and e-mails too, if you happen to own a BlackBerry. Damn those BlackBerrys, a pox on them. You are so busted. You have been found guilty and your only recourse is to plead guilty with explanation. “Honey, it’s not what it looks like, those texts are from those girls at the office who like to play around, that’s all. Is just joke business.”

“And what about the e-mails?”

“Sweetheart, you know how e-mails are just an informal way to keep in touch, plus I have friends all over the world, some I haven’t even met, but we just like to exchange pleasantries, that’s all. Haven’t you heard of Facebook?”

What happens if the e-mails are in a foreign language? “Baby, I’m just trying to brush up on my Italian, that’s all.” Guilty with explanation calls for quick thinking and creative genius or you’ll be in the doghouse forever. Men usually stumble, sputter and stammer and get busted, but as I mentioned, the women are as smooth as silk.

When a man is found guilty, he starts to get nervous and often goes overboard with his explanation, which invariably ends up being a wild and incredible tale. “You know, I almost believed you, but you should have stopped before you mentioned being abducted by an all-female gang.” Or, “So you’re keeping those condoms for your friend because he can’t keep them in his house. Yu pinch, leave an inch and roll for him too?”

The women though, never miss a beat, don’t even bat an eyelid, maintain an even breathing pattern as they explain away their guilt. “Ha, ha, ha, Honey, don’t be ridiculous; so you saw me in his car a few times, he’s just a client and we have to discuss strategy. What would I be doing with him otherwise? Plus he’s married… don’t be silly… ha, ha, ha.”

Not only are women more convincing than men with their guilty with explanation, but somehow they can also manage to turn it around and make the accuser feel guilty. “Shame on you, shame on you, accusing me of carrying on with pastor, a man of the cloth. How could you ever think such a thing? You disgust me!”

“Oh Darling, I’m so sorry to accuse you, please forgive me. Come, let me drop you to his house for midnight vigil. I’ll leave the grille open for when he carries you back home.”

Sometimes you think that you’re invisible, and lost in a crowd, but cameras are everywhere, and they can be unforgiving and expose guilt that’s hard to explain away. I’ll always remember a good friend of mine who was caught on camera having a great time at one of those New Year’s Eve balls. Just as luck would have it, his wife was watching the live broadcast as the cameras caught him whooping it up. As the countdown for the new year began, so did her fuming, flaming, furious count to 10.

He was publicly busted and guilty as sin. And yet he went home and pleaded guilty with explanation, saying something about popping in for a drink with friends on his way home and they dragged him on the dance floor against his wishes and horse dead and cow fat. Still, you had to give him credit for creativity and also for trying.

So many people are featured on our social pages beside others who are not their wives or husbands. But still, they plead guilty with explanation. “It was an office party and I was just standing beside him when they took the picture.” Then when you’re spotted at the airport leaving on the same flight as her, and spotted also on the return flight, how do you explain it?

Listen, I’m not here to judge, for Lord knows it’s painful to be wrongly accused, as many people will tell you. But when you’re truly guilty, busted, caught with her underwear in your pocket, with your hand on the cookies, you had better plead guilty with explanation, and make it plausible too. Still, for some, it will fall on deaf ears, for as Shakespeare said:

“It will help me nothing

To plead my innocence;

For that dye is on me

Which makes my whitest part black.”

— Henry VIII, 1, 1

More time

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: How the wind has turned. Over the past few months, I have noticed a large number of Jamaicans coming back home or wanting to come back home. The economic crunch has hit them hard, and overseas is no place to be when times are tough and money is tight. As one told me, “Is 20 years I’m away and it’s the worst I’ve been, and in foreign yu deh pon yu own with nobody to help you.” Another one expressed, “Man, is better I’m broke at yard than broke in America, for at least I must can find some friend or relative who might can bail me out.” Plus the bitter winters don’t help either. I have received so many phone calls and e-mails from Jamaicans asking about job prospects here, and many from people up in age too. Tough times.