TRAVELLING next to infants, toddlers or children on aeroplanes can be as fascinating as it can be annoyingly frustrating for both parents and passengers. But it could be a worthwhile endeavour for airlines to create a niche market that offers first-class tickets to passengers with children at slight discounts on certain flights. It’s almost a guarantee that they would earn substantially more revenues from this marketing initiative. For not only would it help keep families together, it would also give the kids more play room during long flights. Even more, the zoning would give other passengers who do not want to be bothered the peace of mind and quiet they deserve.

Besides, lactating moms would also benefit from the convenience of the semi-private environment to squirt out fresh breast milk from their nipples without having to deal with some “ole” pervert peering down the crevice of their bosoms. And, there are myriad other reasons why the shift in marketing could redound to promoting family travel and vacation. Mothers, for the most part, usually show visible signs of frustration and embarrassment just trying to balance their child’s need for space and attention with those of other passengers who may be desperately trying to read a book, but must sit through endless hours of “non-negotiated” disturbances.

But before anyone gets indignant about this, or starts concocting all sorts of explanations for this proposal, let me make one thing abundantly clear. My motivation is not driven by any aversion to children, because I harbour no such dislike. I absolutely adore children, perhaps a little too much sometimes, and to the extent where I am often told that I would “spoil them rotten”. Moreover, I love and greatly admire kids who are feisty and a bit mischievous, but who are also unfailingly polite and intellectually curious. I like them this way because, to me, feisty kids are also usually mildly audacious and independent – qualities I happen to admire a lot.

That aside, while I usually have fun travelling next to and playing with energetic kids and enjoying the thrills their little antics and distractions can bring – sufficient to keep me alert and less nervous about the bouts of turbulence – the other annoyances that come with sitting next to infants and toddlers, in particular, can be too much for any reasonable man to tolerate while trying to soak up a good novel or watch an in-flight movie. And although it is well known that flying can cause constipation, bloatedness and other forms of mild stomach disorders and fatigue, the knowledge is never enough to soothe the pangs that could come with enduring endless hours of noise or being literally forced to ingest fumes from frequent “southern” emissions, and not only are babies incontinent, their excreta can be overpoweringly unbearable.

On a recent six-hour flight from Los Angeles to New York, I suffered the misfortune of being sandwiched between a boisterous and “gassy” baby on the right and by another on the left, who appeared to have an incessant bout of gastrological disturbance. Now, as you know, depending on the mother’s diet, breasting-feeding babies ingest and excrete the same mix of proteins, minerals and vitamins as their mothers. So I want you to picture a baby trying to process a diet rich in proteins and cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli and cabbage without the ability to control its bodily functions.

Well, I went through “living hell” which lasted for the entire flight. Between trying to survive the six-hour ordeal, twisting, turning, fanning, squeezing and covering my nose, and walking the aisle because there were no other ways of alleviating the punishingly odiferous smell while acting politely, I lost it near the end of the flight when one of the babies emptied his stomach on me. The two babies created what could best be called a hierarchy of pooping, and the cacophony that followed in five-minute intervals was unbelievable, to put it bluntly. To say the poor parents were flatly embarrassed would be putting it mildly – they were absolutely devastated, particularly so because they had no control over the situation.

The truth is that this was my worst experience travelling in a plane while sitting next to infants. Several months ago, on a flight to Florida, I sat across from a mother and her daughter, obviously overjoyed about the flights and features of the plane, the little girl was not only playful, but also generous with her broad and engaging smile. She threw bits of paper and cookies all around, and although some passengers found it disgusting, many others were delighted. She recited several poems, sang catch gems that made the time seem shorter. Alas, her mom had an unfortunate “low-blow” experience and without warning the little angel blurted innocently while tapping her mom on the shoulder: “Oh, oh, Mommy, you just pooped? You did it again, Mom, you did it again!” This elicited ‘peals of laughter’ from passengers within earshot of the mother and daughter.

However, one of my most memorable experiences occurred many years ago while seated next to two little boys who were travelling unaccompanied. I opened a conversation with them, asking if they were enjoying the flight and so on. Once they warmed up to the questioning, it was “all systems go”. They quizzed me about everything, from the engineering and design of the aircraft to the structure and composition of the cirrostratus and nimbostratus clouds. The greatest challenges I faced, though, were in deciding on the most appropriate and efficient answers without embarrassing myself. Hardly any of my answers, however well-crafted, satisfied them, as one question led to another, and on and on they went. But the experience and depth of curiosity exhibited by the two also reinforced the belief that “a child shall lead the way”.

Finally, if airlines decide to promote the idea of offering special seating to parents with infants, toddlers and children, it could help to increase other passenger loads, because instead of flying on private jets, business travellers could take advantage of the quieter surroundings to maximise in-flight time instead of scuffling to eke out a comfortable ride. In fairness to the kids, there are some adults whose in-flight behaviour is unnecessarily disgusting and poisonous. For, while it is easier to overlook and tolerate a child’s in-flight conduct, which is mostly unavoidable, it is harder to excuse an adult for deliberate acts of insensitivity. All in all, the next time you board a flight, be as prepared as a scout to deal with the potential pitfalls of sitting between innocent little babies, with no cares in the world except to eat, emit, play and sleep – yet they are adorable.

Burnscg@aol.com