The Heavens forbid

But that our loves and comforts should increase,

Even as our days do grow.

— Shakespeare, Othello II, 1

Oh, but that our loves and comforts should increase. What more could a man and woman ask for, but to be loved and comforted… to be in a relationship? But is that really true, do men and women want relationships when they can’t even relate to each other?

The very word, ‘relationship’, comes from the word relate, and yet that is the farthest thing from it… relating. All the experts have their theories about relationships, why they work or why they fall apart. They write about men being from Mars and women being from Venus, they have TV and radio talk shows with all the experts like Dr Phil, Dr Ruth and others.

Plus the radio and the press here have call-in shows and advice columns like Sexwise, Uncensored, Dear Pastor, Dr Heather Little-White, all giving their views and advice regarding relationships. The deluge never stops, as people try to navigate through the turbulent waters of relationships. But still, the poor souls still can’t get it right as they complain about each other doing the wrong things. We’ll see why, right after some responses to Modern Prostitutes.

Hail Teerob,

This article is so true, it’s not even funny. I’m a 22-year-old male just beginning my graduate studies in the USA, and believe me when I tell you I have better luck with financially established women, 28 and older, than with my age group. The girls in my age group immediately tune me out once they hear that I’m a student, because they know ‘nuh money nah run’. But the funny thing is, I have a friend who was in the same ‘predicament’ a couple of years ago while going through med school. Now he is a well-established doctor and ‘gallis’, and these same women who wouldn’t give him the time of day a few years ago now have the nerve to curse him for his lifestyle. But really, can you blame him, how can you expect him to commit fully to these women who, by logical reasoning, are only now attracted to him because of his money and status?!

Darren

Teerob,

Watch yourself, yu nuh. Careful those women don’t tar and feather you and run you out of town. But talk the talk and talk the truth, brother. Most of them are only in it for what they can get. And even after they get and gone, they still want to get more as they demand alimony, maintenance and 10 pounds of flesh. Their demands and needs never cease and they take and take, and men pay. Illegal or legal, it’s the same prostitution. Men have to pay and pay and pay. It’s modern prostitution… and we are all ‘Johns’.

Dennis

And so we move right into relationships, and what happens when people enter into the realm of emotional bliss, turmoil, joy, sorrow, happiness, remorse, guilt, jealousy, anger and what have you. How amazing that one little relationship can evoke so many different feelings, so much passion, so much pain. Why would anyone want to dive into that quagmire? But they do.

The reason is simple, and the experts put a handle on it, but still don’t come out and say it clearly. The cold hard fact is, men and women are as different as puss and dog, and you know that those two animals weren’t friends from morning. So why do we expect them to get along?

Speaking of animals, only five per cent of mammals are monogamous, so go figure why many relationships are in turmoil. The human female (wife) often refuses to have sex with the male, yet forbids him to have it with another female. Show me where in the animal kingdom that occurs, apart from man. And yet they call us the dominant intelligent species.

It’s all about expectations… or lack of it. A man goes into a relationship with one thing on his mind — sex. You can sugar-coat it all you want, prime it and paint it with honey, shower it with perfume, the plain truth is, a man is attracted sexually to a woman and wants to bed her. That is the initial and powerful sensation, and everything else is secondary. No man is going to get involved with a woman who he’s not sexually attracted to… and that’s a fact.

“So Kirk, why you stop seeing her after only two weeks?”

“She just didn’t turn me on, I felt nothing.”

A woman, on the other hand, sees all men as prospective potential husband material and whether he can be a good provider, father and all round Mr Wonderful. So when they first meet and sit across that table at dinner, their thoughts differ, even as they whisper sweet nothings and speak platitudes of romance. Under all the blather and chatting, her thoughts really go, “Well, he’s not too handsome but that doesn’t matter, he’s in a good job, owns his own home, drives a nice car, seems stable and ambitious, has strong genes and doesn’t look like a woman beater.” He in turn, despite the hours of chatting about everything, only thinks, “What a woman sexy, I wonder if I will get through tonight?”

So put these two expectations together, roll them around like dice in a cup, then wonder why the numbers always come up uneven and problems occur down the line. Women are nesters, they see house, babies, security. Men are hunters, they see conquests, passion, sexuality and variety. Do you know that a bull will mate 50 times for the day, but never twice with the same cow? Some women know this, and still try to snare men, offering it up on a regular basis, but after the dust has settled and the bed sheets changed, she settles into her mundane routine of… the relationship.

In the relationship, the woman’s expectations even go as far as to want a perfect man, even though she is far from being perfect. We are all tired of hearing a woman declare how she wants Mr Right, or a knight in shining armour riding in on a white horse to come and whisk her away. But soon after, she same one starts to curse how the horse manure is messing up the lawn, his armour needs changing and it’s time he bought a bigger and better horse… mare… filly… stallion. Did he hear nag?

From my research, the relationships that do work are the ones where both the expectations of the man and the woman find some sort of middle ground. She knows that he’s no Mr Perfection, and neither does she want to change him. He knows that she’s faking the whole sexual desire thing, but he’s grateful and loves her for caring enough to fake it for him. “Far better she fake the orgasm than just lay dung so like corpse.”

From my research, the relationships that do work are the ones where both the expectations of the man and the woman find some sort of middle ground. She knows that he’s no Mr Perfection, and neither does she want to change him. He knows that she’s faking the whole sexual desire thing, but he’s grateful and loves her for caring enough to fake it for him. “Far better she fake the orgasm than just lay dung so like corpse.”

It’s all about compromise. But for the majority, it’s the harsh reality of living the blame game. Yes, in relationships there is much finger pointing and somehow it’s always the man’s fault as he gets blamed for everything that goes wrong in her life. Here’s a classic example of what happened to a friend of mine recently. His wife had to go and do some exams but his car was in the garage, so because he couldn’t take her, she took a taxi but reached late. Lo and behold, the woman came home fuming, cursing her husband, saying that it was his fault why she was late.

“If you had a better job you would have had a better car that wouldn’t break down so often and I wouldn’t have to take taxi and reach late for my exam.” Somehow her misfortune is due to him, as it is in most relationships. “Oh mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.” Translated from Latin, ‘It’s all my fault to the extreme.’ Culpable to the max.

Somehow in relationships women always draw men into the arena or into the pit of blame, and dump the guilt trip on them. By some cosmic twist of fate, all the problems of life come right back and are dropped at his feet. Every issue that occurs among her friends or his, or even appears in the papers, somehow has some reference point to him. “Look how this man ill-treat his woman and don’t want to support her… same thing you would do.”

Even so, women still want to be in relationships, and are heartbroken when they end. But as soon as the pain subsides, they want to be involved in another relationship. Men, on the other hand, also feel pain when the relationship ends, but that’s not due to heartbreak, but more a shattered ego. But that’s easily mended. Just supply him with a pretty young thing and see how quickly he bounces back.

Yes, shallow as it may seem, and despite all the verbal denial from cowardly men, a surfeit of sex is a sure panacea for many of the ills that a broken relationship brings.

“But John, I thought that after your woman left you it would leave you sad?”

“It did for about a week until I got me a brand new crissas, so I’m happy again.”

From what I’ve garnered, women are in it for the long haul, but most men wouldn’t mind having sequential, consecutive or even concurrent relationships. Of course, they don’t dare say this, and you will even curse me for suggesting it, but we all know the truth, don’t we? Mistresses, affairs and women on the side are testimony to this. Relationships can be fun, but please know how to bend and flex.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: I see where our comedic icon Oliver Samuels is back on the stage. It’s simply amazing how rich our cultural landscape and our theatre is in Jamaica. No other country in the region can boast our cultural diversity. Currently we have so many plays running, Easy Street, Puppy Love, Serious Business, Passa Passa Daily, For Better or Worse, White Witch, Pirate Jack, The Love List. Such a wide variety of plays that cater to all age groups. And yet there are some people who have never gone to the theatre and even say that they don’t like plays. That I can never comprehend. Our culture is so rich and our people so gifted. We should all support our theatre and encourage our children to go too.