A plague upon it

When thieves cannot be true

One to another.

— Shakespeare 1 Henry II, 2

OR as we say in Jamaica, thief from thief makes God laugh. But this sort of stealing or cheating isn’t of tangible goods or even cheating at exams, but more like the oldest form of cheating that exists, when people cheat on each other.

This topic has been explored and addressed throughout the ages and I have put my spin on it too, outlining that women are actually better cheaters than men. But never have I ever condoned it or said, ‘Go forth and do it’. I only presented the facts, the naked truth.

So can you believe my shock when I saw an article in a glossy foreign magazine that encouraged people to cheat and not get caught? It’s like a handbook telling burglars how to rob your house and get away with it. No wonder many people steer clear of those foreign magazines, and this one really took it past the limit. I’ll share it with you right after these letters.

Hey Tony,

Regarding ‘Working at It’, as a young female, now 22 years old, I always do wonder why marriages seem to be referred to as so much work!! I agree with you that fun should be a big part of it. No schedule should take away from the romance and the little things that kept the love and fire at the beginning. I definitely know that there are many things that will cause one to be annoyed by the other, but should it cause the fire to quench? I want to get married in the future, but I pray my marriage does not lose its fire…ever! I don’t know, but maybe too many adults seem too mature to want to just be silly and even play with one’s spouse, but I know that the child in me will never die. Children are the most stress-free individuals in the world. We don’t have to act like children, but we can take a page out of their book.

Christine

Mr Robinson,

Forgive me for taking so long to write, but I’m responding to your article, Men Say No Too. Why should a man say no to his woman, and why should she say no to him? I don’t understand. Making love is the closest bond that two people can have, so why should they deprive each other of this mutual pleasure? If couples made love more, it would bring them closer together. I have been married for 10 years now and I have never told my husband no. Even when I am vexed with him I still make love to him, and, you guessed it, the vexation goes away shortly after. Too many women use sex as their power and that’s why so many of them are unhappy and have unhappy men sleeping beside them every night.

Carla

In spite of all the ‘happily married’ couples and the platitudes about monogamy and fidelity, people still cheat, and they still get caught while doing so, even though they try to be careful. It’s a given. And yet they still venture into their neighbour’s pastures, covet his wife or her husband and eat forbidden fruit.

It’s bad enough that human beings are predisposed to cheating, but it’s even worse when writers not only promote it, but advocate it and give advice regarding how to cheat and not get caught. What makes it 10 times worse is when the authors of those advice tips are women. But it makes sense, for after all, what better advice but from the horse’s mouth?

Still, I was not the only one who was outraged by the article, as some of the blogs that were posted said, “I am very sickened about this article”. “Yesterday I picked up that magazine and couldn’t believe what I read, encouraging people to cheat, and written by women too.”

“I just saw a very disturbing headline on the cover of that magazine and this just makes me angry.”

“Yes, the magazine is disturbing… but if someone wants to cheat, they will cheat anyway.”

Well folks, with my enquiring mind, I had to read that article, written by women, that advised how to cover your tracks and not get caught if you decide to cheat. I know that years ago I wrote how to ‘bun-proof your mate’ making it difficult for them to cheat, but this is somewhat of a counter to that.

Firstly, it says to change the gender of your lover, make your girl a guy. In other words, if you’re a man who’s cheating, do not give your lover a female gender, but always refer to her as a man. But wait, women have been doing so for years, referring to their lovers by female names. So when hubby asks, “So where you going tonight dear?”

“Oh, Althea and me taking in a movie.”

See the ruse, the deception, the guile? No wonder, for the article was written by women. Then it continues: be always reachable. The biggest red flag while cheating is when you are unreachable. If you are Mr or Mrs Communicator, armed with two or three cell phones, plus beeper, plus walkie talkie, plus mobile fax machine and can be reached 24/7, yet every few days between certain hours you cannot be reached, then suspicion will be raised. Even Beenie Man addresses it in his recording, Me woman a call me.

The article insists that you are to remain reachable, and as one lady wrote, “Even when I was wrapped up with my lover, going at it like two rabbits, and my cell phone went off, I still answered it and spoke to my hubby, having to control my heavy breathing of course.” Who better to tell it like it is, but a woman?

Then the advice continues, saying, don’t have long-term relationships. It’s better to have short-term flings and not get romantically or emotionally involved with your lover. That way you won’t show any feelings and suspicions will not be aroused, as you can take it or leave it and not wear your feelings on your sleeve. The big problem that cheaters have is usually that of guilt, as they become torn between two lovers and don’t know what to do, as the song says. But if you can just wham-bam and walk away and go home after, with no strings attached, you’ll be safe. It’s just like eating fast food.

Hack-proof your stuff, it says, making it impossible for your spouse to hack into your computer, BlackBerry, regular cell phone, laptop or mail. Well that’s a no-brainer, as so many cheaters have been caught because of text messages, e-mails, love letters left astray and undeleted voice mail. As the magazine said, that’s what helped to mash up Tiger Woods’ business, those countless text messages.

Why anyone would save text messages from their lover is beyond me. People used to be done in by a paper trail, now it’s an electronic trail that is the downfall of many cheaters.

Keep different circles and don’t date mutual friends. Another no-brainer, but ironically it’s always the best friend who people cheat with and invariably their cover gets blown. Stupid, stupid move, but still the number one move that even ‘smart, intelligent’ people still do. If you must, do it with someone far removed from your spouse’s circle, workplace, profession or church. If he’s a parson, don’t have an affair with the deacon or the choirmaster, but look toward the banker or even the schoolteacher. Their paths or their friends’ paths will never cross.

That goes for exes too… never cheat with the ex of your spouse, for you will be found out. You must choose wisely who you plan to cheat with. Too many people cheat with the wrong persons who cause them nothing but untold grief and misery, as they phone dem yard, harassing dem spouse, stalk dem, and make extreme demands telling you to leave your spouse and be with them forever.

It pays not to advertise, but be as low-profile as possible, both with your choice and with your actions. And lastly, take it to the grave and don’t even tell your best friend. Loose lips sink ships and also leave many cheaters up the creek with no paddle.

Now, by no means am I condoning cheating, but I simply had to share what I read in that magazine that actually gave advice on how to cheat and get away with it. Written by women too. Sometimes I wonder if people are reading my columns and getting ideas for their stories in these foreign magazines, for the similarities are astounding.

But it’s a new world and the girls can now do what the guys do…and get away with it. As the lady in the movie, Up in the Air, said to her lover, “I do exactly what you do…the only difference is, I don’t have a penis.”

Scary stuff. More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: A reader asks: Why is it that commuters who use the JUTC buses are still eating on them? I called JUTC to voice my concerns, but it seems as if no action is being taken against these people. Are the cameras working or not? Although it is not my duty to do so, many times I have to tell these passengers not to eat on the bus. When roaches and other insects take up the buses, them same one going to complain. Why can’t they eat at their home or at a restaurant? Who taught them this habit, or is it a cultural thing?

Robert

It’s heartening to see that there are still people around with a strong sense of civic pride. I hope the authorities are taking note. Vox populi…the voice of the people.