The red wine must first rise

In their fair cheeks, my Lord,

Then we shall have’em

Talk us to silence.

— Shakespeare, Henry VIII, I, 4

THAT’S right, ply them with wine, rum, or any alcoholic drink and then listen to them as they talk and talk and talk. Women, that is. But what they say and what they mean, even when inebriated, are often poles apart, even though the saying goes, ‘Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.’

Ah yes, men have been using all means to seduce women, and the women simply play along with the game as they speak one thing, but mean another. This has been going on for eons, and the words capricious, coy and coquettish are attributed to women only — those who play hard to get, even as they play to get a man hard. But so many men do not understand the lingo, the language of women and either come on too strong when the woman says ‘maybe’, or don’t come on at all when she says ‘no’. We shall explore the ladies’ lingo, right after these responses.

Teerob,

Regarding ‘Relationships’ that you wrote about, men need to be able to consistently and firmly draw the line so that a woman doesn’t feel she can step on him verbally and then all he must do is say “Thank you darling, you are always right.” He must stand up and make her know that she must respect him, because once a woman believes she can get away with anything and get whatever she wants, she will despise him and eventually belittle him. As Ragashanti said on his programme one morning, “The man dem must look in the mirror and say, my ting have value too.”

Danny

Mr Robinson,

I am astonished, dismayed, distraught, but not surprised that women would give advice on how to cheat and not get caught. Your article, ‘Cheating with success’, just brought to light what I have been thinking and saying for years, that the female of the species is indeed deadlier and more cunning than the male. Any man who doesn’t buy into that is a jackass. Even so, my heart sank when I saw that women were actually encouraging others to cheat with success. What if they were the ones being cheated on, what if they felt the pain and humiliation, how would they feel?

Roger

Tony,

Cheating with Success? All cheaters are failures, as they fail to grasp the concept of love, honour, self-restraint and even health/safety concerns. And this goes for both men and women. So when a man thinks that he can cheat and get away with it, he’s a failure. And when a woman carries on with her lover and believes that no one knows, she is misguided. There are no secrets in the universe and many times your spouse knows, but just plays along with your game. There is no success with cheating, only failure all around.

Colleen

Men have complained for years that they do not understand their women. “Man, she talk one thing but mean another.” That has been the clarion call from the day that women learned to speak up. Yes, believe it or not, women in ancient times were only allowed to be seen and not heard, as men used to be the dominant ones in the relationship. But all that has changed, as women are talking, and talking, and talking, and have also developed a language of their own.

Men have complained for years that they do not understand their women. “Man, she talk one thing but mean another.” That has been the clarion call from the day that women learned to speak up. Yes, believe it or not, women in ancient times were only allowed to be seen and not heard, as men used to be the dominant ones in the relationship. But all that has changed, as women are talking, and talking, and talking, and have also developed a language of their own.

A lady friend sent me an e-mail with some translations to this, the lingo of ladies, and I’m sure that young men who are just venturing out into that field of endeavour will find it useful if they happen to get caught behind enemy lines. Now, we all see the plethora of ads nowadays, both in the papers and sometimes on foreign TV, where women advertise themselves for partnership, companionship or marriage.

“Hi, I am Jamilla from Accra, Ghana, seeking a nice man between the ages of 25 and 40 years old. Must be bright and ambitious. I am 40-ish, adventurous and free-spirited.” Now that sounds innocent enough, but my sources tell me that not only do those women post a photo that’s 20 years old, or even a photo of their friend or sister, the lingo that they use needs to be deciphered.

When she says 40-ish, you may think that she’s just brushed 40, but in reality, she means 49, which is really pushing 50. Then when she says adventurous, you may think that she means the outdoor type, active and willing to try anything. Well, how about changing the word ‘anything’, to ‘anybody’, for what she means is that she’s slept with a lot of men. That is what ‘adventurous’ means when coming from ladies’ lips.

Sometimes women will try to set up a friend with a man, and their lingo is equally deceptive. So when she says, “I have this great friend who is very smart, average-looking, outgoing and voluptuous,” run like a bat out of hell, take a pass, jump on a bullet train and don’t look back, for the ladies’ lingo will deceive you.

Average-looking means very ugly, for nobody is going to describe a beautiful woman or even a nicely attractive one as being average-looking. They’re just being kind, and speaking in tongues, that of the ladies’ lingo. And as for voluptuous, we all know what that means — very fat. Now, with all this new age language, we have fat women classing themselves as being fluffy or full-bodied, but back in the day, in the time of our parents, they were simply called fat, not phat, but F A T. Now, if you like them fat, that’s fine, but if you don’t, and the ladies’ lingo fools you, you’re in a lot of cholesterol trouble.

But back to the lingo of ladies. When the female friend described her sistren as a woman who wants a soul mate, what she really means is that she’s desperate. “Oh, she’s been searching all her life for her soul mate, someone like you.” See the hint of desperation in her plea? For some karmic, cosmic reason you have been designated to be her soul mate at this late stage of her life.

But it’s when the woman actually speaks herself, that you must decipher her lingo, for what you hear isn’t necessarily what you’re gong to get, and you could end up in jail. No woman is going to tell a man directly, “Yes, I am going to sleep with you.” Instead, she has to play the word game, use innuendo, and either does not answer, or simply says, ‘no’ or ‘maybe’, never ‘yes’. So you must now decipher and determine if ‘no’ really means no, or if ‘maybe’ means ‘yes, but not right now, not tonight, not this month, not this year…but…maybe.’ Then if she says, “Okay, go ahead, do what you want,” be very careful, for she didn’t say yes. “Your honour, I did not say yes, I simply told him, do what you want.” Not being bilingual has landed many men in serious hot water.

Now, all married men know this one, or at least they should, if married long enough. When she says, “We need”, what she really means is, “I need”. “Honey, we need a new washing machine.” And when your woman says, “We need to talk,” you know that you’re in big trouble. Even during sex there’s ladies’ lingo, for when she says, “Don’t do that,” and you don’t, she won’t be pleased. And when she screams, “Stop, you killing me,” and you do stop, you’re an idiot.

So many men believe that lingo and give in to it. Women are stronger than you think. Do you know what the rigours of childbirth are, do you know that most babies weigh about six pounds and are about two feet long, and still you think that you can hurt a woman during sex? So, no means no, or maybe, means maybe, or no; fluffy means fat, large frame means hugely fat, passionate means, easy lay, athletic means shaped like a boy, bright and intelligent means ugly. It’s all words that mean other things when women utter them. It’s the ladies’ lingo, and you will be advised to learn the language, be bilingual, or you’ll be sorry.

As for men’s lingo, it’s simple really. When a man says, 1. May I have this dance? 2. Can I call you sometime? 3. Do you want to go to a movie? 4. Can I take you out to dinner? 5. Come over and let’s talk, what he’s really saying is, “I’d like to have sex with you”. But if he says to you, “Those shoes and purse don’t match that outfit,” he’s really saying, “I’m gay.” So I get it, so I give it.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Speaking of movies earlier on, it’s always fun to go to the movies and even now I still enjoy going to the Carib Cinema. I am not alone, for even in these hard economic times, Jamaicans still love to go to the movies. It’s not only about the film, but more the entire atmosphere of going out, getting lost for a few hours and leaving the cares of real life behind. Even with cable TV, satellite dish and DVDs, the movie experience is still special. And judging by the crowds at Carib every week, Jamaicans are still into movies. Plus, our audience is so interactive, as they talk back to the screen, give advice and curse when the actor doesn’t do as told. “Don’t open de door or yu a go ded…eediat man.” Sometimes the real movie action is in the audience and not on the screen. Our people are so special.