I beseech you,

Wrest once the law to your authority:

To do a great right,

Do a little wrong.

Shakespeare, The Merchant

of Venice IV,1

TO do a great right, do a little wrong indeed. Is that the same as saying that the end justifies the means, and the law can be bent as long as the outcome appears to be just? Well, there is the law, and there IS the law, and many things have been said about it, many unflattering, such as, “The law is an ass,” but there are also laws that go with marriage, some which were new to me. Here’s why. The Victoria Mutual Building Society has been conducting a series of seminars titled Marriage and the Family, where they go around the island and give advice, hold talks, and have workshops that deal with various aspects of marriage and the family. It’s an excellent concept and welcomed by communities, more so because it’s interactive. And that’s where I learned about these marriage laws that I never heard of before. I’ll share with you right after these responses.

Teerob,

You hit the nail right on the head again when you talked about the changing priorities of women. I used to be the king of the castle, head honcho, number one and the apple of my wife’s eye…or so I thought. Now two kids later, she couldn’t care less whether I come or go, and frankly I feel as if I’m just a part of the furniture of her life. Every word out of her mouth concerns the children, and she insists on not only putting our six-year-old daughter to bed every night, but also sleeps with her too. Where does that leave me? At the bottom of the pile. And then they wonder why men look elsewhere. Life is all about priorities, theirs. I learned the hard way.

Roger

Mr Robinson,

Damn them and their priorities. As long as a woman thinks that she has a man covered, only the things in HER life are important. And he is supposed to understand. I am married to a selfish woman who has no desire, passion or feeling for me and tells me that her priorities have changed in life. Now it’s all about church. I am distraught.

John

Teerob,

Regarding the story about that woman leaving millions to her dog, nothing is ever black and white. The son referred to is a person, who while his mother was alive, tried every which way to fleece her out of her $$$. He calculated many schemes, and in fact succeeded in stealing large sums of money from her, though he was already in her will. When she realised what was afoot, she disinherited him, and part of the story goes that she left US$30million for the care of her dog. That’s a lot of money one would say for someone to leave to a dog, but she earned it, so she is supposed to do whatever she wished with it…such is life.

Gelles

Now on to marriage laws, which were, a real eye-opener to me when I heard a lady in the audience bring it up at the VMBS Marriage and the Family seminar. I thought that I already knew of the laws, regulations and rules pertaining to marriage, such as, ‘Till death do us part,’ where neither party can leave until one dies. Or ‘Till debt do us part,’ when one party leaves when the money runs out. Then there is the one about ‘love, honour and obey’ and also ‘submit to your husband.’ Or even the law about not coveting your neighbour’s wife, nor his ox, or his ass, or his wife’s ass. Then there are the laws against adultery, and the attendant punishment that goes with that. All severe laws that go with the institution of marriage. But when this lady got up to address the panel and audience at the forum, she opened up a new book of laws. She told them that it’s good that people were being advised about marriage and the family and all that, but what was also important was the law that people took into marriage. Everyone raised their eyebrows, not knowing what she meant. Well, she was referring to the personal laws that people bring to marriage, those irrevocable, immovable, indelible, irrefutable rules that they have inscribed on their lives and now intend to impose on yours. This was her sad story. “It’s all well and good you advise people about marriage and family life, but I am here to warn you to be careful of the personal laws that people bring to marriage. Laws such as, no offering for church, no spending of their money, no sharing, no giving, no investing for the future.” Those were the laws that she was talking about as she expressed her sad tale with tears in her eyes.

What she said made perfect sense, and who better to give this advice than someone who had experienced it first-hand? It is clear that many people enter marriage with laws of their own, and come hell or high water, you had better pay heed to them, or suffer the consequences. The sad truth is, these laws are usually hidden deep in the recesses of the romance, and it’s not until after the nuptials that the decrees are read. It can be devastating. I’ll always remember when my good friend got married many years ago, and on the wedding night, her husband looked at her and said, “Now this is the law according to me, your husband. This is my house, that is my car, this is my bank account…I am the man, and you do what I say.” Such was the law according to John. Needless to say, she broke the law and was out of that marriage within three weeks. Then there was this other friend of mine who was slapped with a harsh law from his new bride on their wedding night also. It seems as if the wedding night is the preferred time to decree these laws. She promptly decreed that he had better put her name on the house title with immediate effect, or no honeymoon was going to take place. That marriage didn’t last six weeks either.

It’s always a shocker when a new law is introduced into a marriage, for in many cases, there was no hint of it during the months or years leading up to the wedding day. It’s always AFTER the marriage that the law is declared. The most common law is, “Now that we’re married, no more hanging out with your cronies at night time.”

They say that the love of money is the root of all evil, but perhaps it’s the mishandling of money that’s the real problem. And true to form, finances play a big part in the destruction of many marriages, all because of the fiscal laws that are laid down after the nuptials. These laws never saw the light of day before…as he will spend, and she will spend, and life will be seen through rose-tinted glasses and silver and gold credit cards. They come from both sides, as legislation in marriage is not gender specific. She will now lay down the law that all ‘frivolous’ spending must stop, and only serious purchases must be made. What she deems frivolous, he sees as being essential. After all, he always had drinks with his friends in the evenings, and his car is his passion and must be spent on. Her laws say “no way”, and to compound this, she keeps her finances separate and shuts him out of her spending. He’ll come home and see new stuff recently purchased, yet it’s a big deal if he s pends. These IMF (It’s My Finances) laws can be harsh, and lead to breakdowns in many marriages. Many couples are shocked to learn of these new laws early in the marriage. The statistics are glaring.

That woman who tearfully spoke at the VMBS seminar told how her husband’s marriage laws led to her losing her home, her business and two cars. His laws decreed no saving, no investing, no giving to the church, nothing of a financial nature. This led to ruin, and the marriage crumbled. To compound this, his family even advised him that she was out to rob him blind with all her talk of investing and all that. These laws that are brought to the table can be severe, can be shocking, and can be devastating to someone who has just entered marriage with positive hopes, dreams and aspirations. So many times people get married, only to be slapped with a marriage law that decrees, “Well, I’ll just have you know that I don’t intend to have any children, as I can’t afford to lose my figure.” Or, “Did I tell you that we’ll be having sex twice for the month, and only on weekends?” Maybe that’s why some people approach marriage with more of a legal mind than with romance or passion. Perhaps that’s why prenups are signed, making everything nice and legal. “If we divorce within five years, you get exactly what you came here with…and that’s the law.”

Still, laws are made to be broken, but unfortunately these marriage laws often break the marriage first. And as Shakespeare said, ‘The brain may devise laws for the blood, but a hot temper leaps o’er a cold decree.” More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: I thought pit bull dogs were illegal in Jamaica? Every day I hear horror stories of these dangerous dogs and their destructive tendencies, with the most recent appearing in the Observer a few weeks ago. “Pit Bull kills man. Another person has been killed by dogs. A St Ann man died Saturday afternoon after he was attacked by a pit bull which he raised for more than five years. The 55 year old man of Salem, Runaway Bay, was at home attending to the dogs and was in the process of locking them away, when he slipped and fell. One of the dogs attacked him. He received several bites to the upper body and died while being treated at the St Ann’s Bay Hospital.” And still, the owners of pit bulls insist that those dogs are harmless, even when the statistics, foreign and local, stare them in the face. I wish them…and their children, well.