SLAIN Stone Crusher Gang leader Cedric Murray says his career in crime started when he was 11 years old and quickly mushroomed to the point where he no longer feared death but felt that his was a wasted life.

“Many would wonder how this all started or how it came to all of this. It started from 12 years old or 11, and the lifestyle just grew rapidly into many criminal behaviour, and prison taught me well — positive and negative,” Murray wrote in his diary, excerpts of which were obtained by the Sunday Observer under the Access to Information Act.

“My story started long ago from a little boy in primary school and gang,” Murray wrote. His entries are made in a mixture of good and bad grammar suggesting that the man, who was on the police’s 10 most wanted list for more than seven years, benefited from some level of schooling.

Pointing out that his past has overshadowed his future, Murray wrote: “I am living but I have no life. The media along with babylon has degrade my name but not my image.”

However, in that same entry, after claiming that he had seen his friends killed by the police in cold blood or in shootouts, Murray was unapologetic about his life.

“I make no excuse for my past. I am a real gangsta, hardcore. I am a player and teacher of what is right,” he said. “Babylon has labelled me a threat to society, why, because they can’t kill me and people love me. There are many skeleton in my closet never to be opened.”

Throughout the diary, which spans the period July 14, 2008 to August 2, 2010 — 10 days before Murray was shot dead by the police in a reported shootout near the border of Clarendon and Manchester — the former gang leader reflected on the effects his life of crime had on his relationship with his woman, children, his ability to sleep and to stay in one place for long periods, and on his emotions.

“I wonder how many places will this life I live take me and how often will I see my kids,” he wrote on July 28, 2010. “My life is very unstable and complex. It’s… very difficult, at times boring and very frustrating.”

Added Murray: “Today is just another day of mixed emotions. No one knows my daily struggles each day. I fight a deep inner fight of fear, depression and anger. I had so much to offer but I allow my feeling to drive me to anger and this is part of the result, life of a fugitive. Most of my life is spent as a wanted man.”

According to the police, Murray, also known as ‘Doggie’, was on the run since 2002 after he was accused of at least six murders committed in St James in previous years. He was also fingered in a triple murder at Felicity Road in Montego Bay in February 2006.

Police said that a SigPro 9mm and the diary were taken from Murray’s body, while the driver of the vehicle in which Murray was travelling escaped. Police believe he, too, was shot.

In several of his entries Murray spoke of narrow escapes he made from the police, as well as other times when he fled only to learn later that he did so on the basis of false alarms.

“As I sit here and reflect on my present life, yesterday I had to run to the hills and wet in the rain, false alarm, so many of those, this is a wasted life. I don’t even have a roof over my head. I am all over, I miss my kids dem so much, life at times can be like the quick sand,” he wrote on July 25, 2010.

In another entry he wrote: “Well, today is a day false alarm about babylon coming, pure running again. It seems like I just can’t get in shape. Life in the hills of St Andrew is very ruff, day and night babylon is close, nuff movements at times.”

Another escape is documented on June 23, 2010. “The morning began at 4:30 am. I was asleep when babylon came but by the grace of God I escape. The tracks are ruff. My life right now is very ruff, each day way different from what I am use to at my age.”

His frustration at not being able to sleep well is documented in another entry, also dated July 25, 2010: “My life is full of issues, how I long for a real good sleep, just lay down and sleep away. But my lifestyle doesn’t give me that luxury, all because of the path that I am walking on.”

His roller-coaster love life is documented in detail with the gangster noting in one entry that he is very happy because he and his woman, whom he calls his “beautiful ebony princess”, are working things out. “It’s good to smile again, real good,” he wrote. “Every man needs a woman.”

However, in another entry he expressed frustration in love. “My life right now is like a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece, my woman. I am in great distress and agony. I am watching my love life fall right apart and can’t stop it. When does my pain stop.”

Yet another indication of his sometimes happy sometimes sad relationship is given in this entry: “Today I got mad and strike my girl. We are having some problems, real life issues. She make me happy and I make her unhappy. She is scared of all this.”

In another entry, the date of which is unclear, Murray wrote: “I have lost my woman that I love dearly all because of this delima. I caan blame her for she have a life too and kids. I am like a man living on death row but with faith in God things will work out for me.

“I am tempted to hate and react but people have grown to love and trust me as a man and not as a gangster. I am just a man trying to live in peace because I know how to fight but I choose to love.”

Murray also said that he had been accused of various crimes, but his accusers have nothing but lies to back up their claims. He named a member of the Cabinet whom he said accused him of threatening him. However, he said that he had never seen the politician “face to face nor ever spoken to him”.

He made numerous references to God and in one instance declared that he loves the Lord, even though he is “a real gangster all out”.

In his May 31, 2009 entry, Murray talked about how secluded he felt from society and even contemplated writing a book. Said he: “My isolation from society gets farther each year. For now I am at ease but for me things are subject to change anytime. I should really write a book but I couldn’t be real honest so it wouldn’t be a best seller.”

At one point Murray, expressing deep depression over his life, wrote that he understood why people commit suicide. “…they just give in because the brain overcrowded and the outlet seems closed”, he said.

But just like the master thief Fagan of Oliver Twist fame, Murray, while wishing that no one else experienced the kind of life he had, concluded: “Each day I am faced with a new fear that I must overcome by faith and staying focus and not letting my anger direct my steps into blindness. My gun is my best friend, we are always together, always”.