Call you me daughter? Now I promise you

You have shown a tender fatherly regard,

To wish me wed to one half lunatic.

Shakespeare, The Taming of the Shrew, II, 1

MOST daughters adore their fathers, and truth be told, they usually end up being involved with men who are very much like their dads. Sometimes the guys they go out with bear such an uncanny resemblance to dad that it’s creepy.

Apart from the physical attributes, the mannerisms and characteristics are just like dear old dad’s. And whereas there have been stories in Greek mythology of a boy falling in love with and marrying his mother, as in the case of Oedipus, (which gave birth to the term Oedipus Complex, where men love their mothers in a romantic way), there is hardly any such story of daughters falling in love with and marrying their fathers. But it’s a man’s world, eh? There is such a term though, the Electra Complex, which is said to be the counterpart to the Oedipus Complex, but it’s so rarely used that you have to research it to find it. Still, the fact remains that fathers have a great influence on daughters and even more so, their absence does, leaving the girl with daddy issues. This we’ll explore, right after these responses to, No Love, No Sex…No man.

Tony,

I think some of these women are in total denial of the fact that a man is an essential part of their lives. Long story short, I would like to know what are the accomplishments or benefits of no love, no sex…no man. Surely these women cannot truly say they’re happy with this lifestyle? If urges aren’t enough to break this down, then I’m sure curiosity would be enough to let them venture in our direction. If not, these women are just plain boring or abnormal, for no matter what a woman does to me, I’ll always love them. Contrary to that, women are effortlessly trying to convince us that they are totally different from men, but that’s not true, we have many similarities.

Shomari

Teerob,

No love, no sex…no man. So THAT’S why I’m so cranky all the time! And I thought it was early menopause. Your humorous words ALMOST had me feeling sorry for these women. My friend’s sister is a classic case…too married to the church to EVER let a man in.

Avagail, Handsworth, Birmingham, UK

Tony,

I thought at first that you were being cruel and insensitive, but your words do have a ring of truth, and the truth does hurt, especially when it stares you smack in the face. I fall into that category of never having a man…ever. Call it lack of opportunity or fear on my part, or perhaps I just didn’t see it as a priority. But now that ship has sailed, and I am not even looked at anymore. The only man who will rub his hands over my body will be the mortician. Such is life.

Virginia (not my real name)

What I have learnt, in my forays into the female world, is that there are so many women with daddy issues. And guess who suffers the most for this? The men they are involved with. Yes, the influence of the father, either by commission, where he impacted negatively on the girl’s life, or by omission, where he just wasn’t there, will live with and haunt many women for their entire lives. So when she screams at you, or gets into her sullen mood, it’s not really you who are culpable, but her father. Even so, you are boiled in his oil. If daddy was an abusive brute, you can be assured that she will expect abuse from you and may even initiate it, goading you and harassing you until you lash out, and then she’ll say, “See what I mean, you’re just like my father.” There are cases though, where daddy was absent from her life, and she either hardly knows him, or never knew him at all. That’s where the serious daddy issues come into being, and it’s only a spouse or partner with the patience of Job who can deal with this. Usually the women have a deep rooted anger and in most cases seek out an older man to fill the void that daddy left. In effect, her spouse has to play the role of not only lover, but more importantly, her father. These women are usually attracted to much older men, and sure, I know that there’s a trend for young women to seek older guys, but in this case, the man is often up to twenty five or even thirty years her senior. That’s about the age that her father would be, had he been around. The dilemma, though, is that the man cannot fulfil both roles. Either he’s lover or he’s father, but he can’t be both. Even the Bible says that you cannot serve two masters, lest you love one and hate the other. The woman then becomes confused after a while, and after the initial attraction, realises that what she really wants is a father, not a lover. So her emotions and desire go into a flux. Imagine what that man has to endure, as her confusion reigns. These women will move from one older guy to the next, seeking, always seeking the father who was never there. I have known women whose fathers were never around, did not acknowledge that the daughters were theirs, or in some cases had died. The result was the same…no father, and these women went on a quest to find their dads, or at least invent him in the older men that they encountered.

Many female students fall for their teachers because of this, but it’s misplaced and misguided infatuation, or love, for after a while the long-term effect takes its toll on both parties. For one, he will always be her teacher in all aspects of her life, always guiding her, always telling her what to do or what not to do, never giving her a chance to grow. Any new steps that she takes in her life, he has trodden that path before, had that experience, knows exactly what the outcome will be. After all, he has 30 years on her, and as the old saying goes, “What you just taking up, I put down long time.” She, on the other hand, will always feel like a little girl, constantly seeking his approval, his advice, his wisdom, even as she resents the experience. But still, these women will never seek a man who is in their age range or even just a few years older than they are. In spite of all the inherent pitfalls that occurred in previous relationships, they will still move on to another man who is at least 25 years their senior. It’s a daddy search. In the cases where the father died when she was young, she will be extremely insecure and clingy, fearing that her current man will go the same route. But in the cases where she was neglected or abandoned by her dad, these feelings are compounded with an underlying anger that simmers like a volcano, erupting at intervals with very little warning. These women usually have very little patience with life or situations and want instant results from relationships. They seem to be stuck in one gear and blame everyone else but themselves for their plight.

Affection or lack of it is a casualty, as women with serious daddy issues often have difficulty showing any form of affection. After all, there was no father around to nurture and play with as a child, so expressing these feelings are alien to her. This too impacts on any relationship that she may now have, especially with a much older guy who is used to affection, hugging and kissing. And oh yes, a woman with daddy issues is also usually jealous of any relationship that her spouse may have with his daughters. Ironically, those daughters may be the same age or even older than her, and that too may pose a problem. Segue to the area of intimacy and sex, which is a rocky one, as in many cases, sexual desire wanes and often disappears on her part. It’s just not into her to make love to her ‘father’, and that guy who’s almost thirty years her senior is for all intents and purposes…her father. In many instances the guy is so old that his libido has waned also, so they both simply continue living like father and daughter and not husband and wife. He is now 75, and she is 50 years old, but nutten nah gwaan in de bedroom. Sometimes, though, the man, if the man is virile, he goes through untold frustration, as he’s still turned on by his much younger wife, but she wants nothing to do with him. “How yuh mean no more sex, yuh know how much Viagra tablets I have piling up in me drawer?” Sadly, women with daddy issues often do not think far ahead and do not realise that the 35 year age difference manifests itself even more as the years roll by. It’s not so bad when she’s 30 and he’s 55, but when she’s 50, he’ll be 75, and when she’s 50, he’ll be 80…if he lives. The bedpan years.

I spoke to many women with daddy issues and surprisingly most were candid, open and honest with me. At least the older ones who had now matured were. I also observed a few over the years, plus I did my research. Of course, some of the younger ones were in denial and even vented their anger at me, but that was to be expected. Maybe they are victims, but the other victim is the man who is playing the role of husband, spouse, friend, when what she really wants is a father. More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Here’s what I recently discovered, people who are ‘happiest’ kill themselves. Research has shown that countries that are happiest on the contentment scale have the most suicides. Norway was voted to be one of the most contented countries in the world, as far as standard of living, jobs, education and health care goes. And yet Norway ranks 36th in the world for suicides. Japan is a peaceful, progressive, clean, crime-free, highly productive and successful country, yet they have over thirty thousand suicides every year. Yes, thirty thousand. Austria ranks 14 in the world, France 16, Finland 9. And yet Jamaica, with all our “crawsis” ranks second to last on the list at 78th with only 0.5 suicides per hundred thousand people annually. Our neighbours Trinidad ranks 32 in the world with nineteen, per hundred thousand, and Barbados is 54 for suicides with eight point nine, per hundred thousand.Go figure. Does living too well drive people to suicide?