Hello people! I’m using this opportunity to share with you all, that I really love my family. Most people know my hard, loud, uncaring side, so I’m giving you a small peep at my ‘softer’ side. One of the few things, and there are very, very few, that tugs at my heart strings is that band of rascals I’ve come to know and love as my family.

The Ruddocks are truly special. Not like special needs special, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of us barely scraped by failing the exam for mental retardation. The jury is still out on that one. We are just like any typical Jamaican family except that we are loud, hilarious and rambunctious — I would have it no other way.

We laugh through trials and support each other as best we can, even if all we offer is a hug. This is how it has always been and we plan to keep it that way. One thing that stands out in my tribe is that we operate on the ‘reward system’ in so far as the young ones are concerned. Things are not just given to you because you are a member of the family; you have to appreciate the value of a dollar and ‘earn’ your rewards. I keep reminding my niece and nephews of that still to be delivered bicycle my parents waived like a carrot in front of this starving donkey to get me through primary school. It wasn’t until I got sense in third form of Alpha Academy that I realised that the bicycle was really not forthcoming. All that studying for nothing… aww well.

The point is, as cruel as that exercise was and as cheated as I felt, I thoroughly understand the life lesson and I am now keeping up the tradition. One of my nephews is in his teens and attends Meadowbrook High School. Of course, like most teenage boys he thinks he is pretty hot and a chick magnet (poor little thing), anyway, he is still yet to learn that you don’t try to pull a fast one by his dear old aunt. He’s a wise crack which is a family trait, he can’t help it, and so he always tries to outwit everybody in the family into getting him what he thinks he needs. He suffers terribly from the GOB (Girls on the Brain) disease that affects most teenage boys around this age, so body consciousness, into image awareness and text messaging — these key symptoms of the disease are very evident right now. As a unit we have to literally be sitting on him to get him through his scholastic challenges, because we don’t tolerate anything less that full potential from every member. With his rapier wit, he better be bringing home straight A’s and nothing less.

Last semester he visited my house one day, offered to wash my car and was overall the sweetheart who he usually is. But this was diabetic coma sweet. So I naturally became suspicious. My fears were realised later that evening when he asked in his most charming voice if I could teach him how to drive and possibly loan him the car on occasion to ‘test’ drive around the community. This is the GOB disease in full effect, since it also clouds judgement and causes delusion. Of course I wasted no time in telling him that if he brings up his grades we were good to go. Not to be outdone he still tried to out guile me so I texted this story to his phone — A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’ The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.” The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair… and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” Without missing a beat, his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?” My nephew laughed until he cried, kissed me, said good-bye and went home to hit the books. I am proud to say his grades have improved significantly and I’m giving him a one spin every now and then. I hope my sister isn’t reading this. Have a great weekend all and be gentle with each other. elvachatalot@yahoo.com Twitter: @Elva Jamaica