Marriage is a matter of more worth Than to be dealt with By attorneyship. — Shakespeare, 1 Henry VI, V, 5

THREE words — marriage, worth and attorneyship — seem to stand out in that above quote, with marriage being the union that no man should rend asunder; worth being value, and attorneyship dealing with the law. Should we therefore conclude that this marriage thing is nothing but what it’s worth in material things, and ends with attorneys bickering over the spoils…after it has spoilt? Or is it that marriage is a matter of so much worth, that it’s bigger than to be dealt with by attorneyship?

Last week, I touched on why men marry, and this week, as promised, I shall delve into the postscript to marriage, the after-party, what takes place after the nuptials have been performed and the wedding party has gone home. We’ll see how the harsh reality hits home after the presents have been opened and the wedding dress gives way to the housecoat and curlers in the hair.

Oh, the crashing to earth after cloud nine has drifted away as the everyday life stares the couple smack in the face. See me and come live with me are two different things, and the postscript to marriage can be sweet for some, but bitter for others, as we’ll see right after these responses to Sex… for pleasure or procreation?!

Hey Tony,

Sex is for when you are married, sin when you are not married. I wish I could have sex every day on the hour every hour; it’s for making babies also. It’s so sweet.

JB Fennell

Tony,

I agree with that lady in your column who said some women are single because they don’t want to be a maid. I don’t want to be a maid to any man, and when you have sex with a man for pleasure, you eventually become his maid, his play thing, his toy. The term sex slave applies to women who let men gratify themselves and have all the pleasure, while they have to endure the ordeal. Where is the pleasure in that for a woman? After I had my child, I lost all interest in my husband as far as sex was concerned. The pleasure was all his, and the pain belonged to me. All that pounding…my God.

Sheila

Hey Daddy Oh,

My sister says that sex should only be for procreation and no pleasure, ever since she joined the church. I asked her the question, “If that was true, why did God give women a clitoris so that they could experience pleasure?” She still cannot find an answer but sticks to her view that sex is only for making babies. Some women justify their lack of fulfilment and use this excuse. Pleasure is to be had and is to be shared by loving married couples.

Jennifer

Man, this sex thing really is a sticky topic, and emotions can run high. Many people have a knee-jerk response, while others think that it’s a subject that’s best not spoken about. “I don’t speak about those dirty things,” they say, even though sex is the most popular pastime on the planet. And where better to get lots of sex, than with marriage?

Oh, for that great day of pomp and pageantry which highlights the bridesmaid who catches the bouquet, signifying that she will be the next one to snare a husband and live in marital bliss. But the wedding day is not the marriage, and the marriage can be a far cry from that beautiful day. It’s back to reality, as the old saying goes, and even though it’s relatively easy to get into, marriage can prove difficult to get out of, as emotional ties do bind, plus there are other constraints like finances and property to be shared.

But why should someone want to come out of a marriage when marriage is the end-all and be-all of romance… sanctioned by God and the church? After all, you meet, you woo, you romance, you get engaged, then you get married. End of story, as you live happily ever after. Happily ever after… those three words resonate throughout the minds of many as they close the last pages of the romance novels.

But the reality can be a bit different, and happily ever after may not ring true to many couples. So dem salt. It was while watching Ian Boyne’s Religious Hard Talk on TV a few weeks ago that I saw this pastor talking about marriage, its pros and cons, and whether divorce should be an option or not. I recall him saying that when a couple tells him that they’re getting divorced or got divorced, he doesn’t rebuke them or says, “Oh I’m so sorry, can’t you try harder and work it out?” That’s because it’s often better to part ways and retain your sanity and health, rather than live in abject misery, chained to each other just for the sake of marriage.

Sadly, that’s a state that many couples occupy, with the husband and wife living separate lives and not having any type of sex, whether for pleasure or for procreation. Zilch, nada, nutten. No love, no sex, nothing but misery…but still “happily married” and smiling outwardly to the public as they live the sham.

As the pastor said, “Behind every smile is a set of teeth.” I also learnt from that programme that divorce back in those biblical days was actually an option instead of execution, for if a man was displeased with his wife for various reasons, he could have her executed. Well, the church stepped in, and deemed that punishment was a tad harsh, so divorce became the viable alternative to execution. In some cultures, all the man has to say to his wife is, “I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee,” and he’s free as a bird.

But why would a man be displeased with his wife? One reason cited was emotional baggage, as even in those long gone days, some women were weighed down with problems from their past and often took them into the new marriage, weighing down the man also. That, in the old days, was grounds for divorce and certainly applies even now, although the name has changed.

Another big reason to end the marriage was sexual immorality. If the woman was loose sexually, committed adultery or engaged in sexual perversion, she could be divorced by her husband. Those are pretty obvious reasons and still hold true to this day. But one little known ancient law that a man had in his favour for grounds for divorce was, if the woman spoiled the dish.

Apparently it’s in the Bible. If the man marries and finds out that his wife cannot cook, that’s instant grounds for divorce. Sounds harsh, you may say, but back in those days men had to work and bring home food for the wife to prepare, and there were no fast-food outlets to serve as an alternative if she could not cook. He ate only at home. So can you imagine his horror, dismay, shock, anger and angst when he discovered that his wife could not cook? Instant divorce, and remember, that was in lieu of execution, so she got off lightly. “Say what, you married to me and cannot cook? You could be hanged for that.”

If his marital rights were not satisfied, then he could also divorce her. None of this lock shop, depriving the man of sex rubbish argument in those days. See, it said marital rights, marital rights. The Bible says that after marriage your bodies belong to each other and you are not to deprive each other. Yet so many women continue to play this selfish, emotionally dangerous game of depriving their husbands of sex as they recite a hundred and one reasons why they don’t feel like it. Yet, if the man seeks it elsewhere, she has the nerve to get angry and even fly into a jealous rage. I could never understand that.

I can well appreciate the anger of a woman who’s having lots of sex with her husband but he still seeks it outside. “Imagine, look how often I indulge him, day and night, anytime he wants it, and he still cheats on me. What else was I supposed to do to hold him?” But a woman who deprives her husband of sex for months or even years, and he finds pleasure elsewhere…what right does she have to be vexed?

But hear this now, back in the day, there was no throwing away and then taking back either. If a man divorced his wife and she married another man, who in turn divorced her, then the first husband could not take her back. “Sista, yu salt, yu cudden please me, yu cudden please your other husband…and the law say yu can’t come back to me.”

Another harsh law, but one that makes sense. You can’t sell your car because it’s giving trouble, then take it back after the other man has fixed it up. Chances are it will simply pop down on you again.

So as they always say, marriage is hard work, and anyone who feels that the wedding day niceness and all the fancy speeches, cake cutting, wine drinking, glasses clinking together is the real marriage, they had better think again. That is only the beginning, and may very well be the best day of the marriage. That is the start, the alpha, the prologue, and the book is yet to be written.

And as the pages are turned, there is always the postscript, the fine print, the addendum, the hidden clauses, the trials, tribulations, ups and down of this institution called marriage. Even so, with all the unknown factors, people will still gaze into each other’s eyes and say ‘I do’.

Men will continue to ask and women will continue to say yes. But still, we should be mindful of the postscript, and to be forewarned is to be forearmed. Hey, all that being said, marriage can be a beautiful thing, but only if you’re truly ready, and do it for the right reasons. And why spend so much on the wedding day when a simple ceremony will do? What’s more important, the wedding or the marriage?

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Readers, happy days are here again, and I’m addressing people who love to read comics, and in particular Conan The Barbarian comics. After many years of not seeing these glorious comics, I discovered brand new volumes in Bookland in New Kingston. For those who don’t know, Conan comics are masterpieces of art and literary genius. The language and writing rival that of Shakespeare, and the stories are like Gone with the Wind, A Tale of Two Cities, Shaka Zulu and other classics all rolled into one.I was in seventh heaven as I purchased my eight volumes of Conan and thought of the many hours of reading that I could look forward to. I grew up on comics from I was barely two years old, and Conan became my all-time favourite. Reading is such pleasure, and when you combine that with great artwork, then you truly are in hog heaven. Parents, if you can’t get your children to read books, introduce them to Conan comics as they are a fantastic substitute, especially for boys, for it’s adventure at its best.