THIS IS IT! The Big one… the News of the Day… the Great Exclusive… You won’t hear it anywhere else! Santa Claus has declared himself a candidate in the forthcoming Jamaican general election, due September 2012, but being fast- forwarded to bring an early Christmas pudden.

Up to the time of going to press, there was still hem-ing and haw-ing and some even say chaw-ing about the exact date. The boys in the bar are betting on a “few days before Christmas”. The guys who like their stuff straight – no chaser – are banking on December 20, which leaves no wiggle room for Santa to profile. He is not amused.

In an exclusive interview, he told our reporter that he is not prepared to sit idly by and watch his historic authority undermined. Christmas is Santa’s time. Intruders back off. Santa has authorised us to quote him. Directing his remarks to competitors, he said: “Iffa fight oonu want, bring it on. I am not giving up Chrissmuss fi none a oonu.”

Note: Santa is fluent in all world languages. He can chat Jamaican with the best. In fact, he is awaiting an invitation from a certain academic campus to give the next “unexpected celebrity” lecture, particularly as empires seem to be going down like Babylon falling. Santa admitted, however, that he might have to reschedule if a certain celeb were to be released in time to make a special presentation on the theme: “Do cockroaches in jail cells respond to hard-core lyrics?”

But, we digress. Let us return with all speed to the topic of the day – will Santa stand as a candidate in Christmas election? Our putative contender, as some experts refer to him, has declared that “There is no one, yuh hear me, no one as qualified as me, the Great Santa, to take the Yuletide trophy. No one, I repeat… no one… knows as much as I do about let-off. Christmas is the season for giveaways. Who can equal me in knowledge of how to convince people that a big, fat man with bright red cheeks and a long white beard, as false as yuh auntie wig, can come down a chimney, which is not on top of your house, and leave presents which you didn’t pay for? It’s Santa Claus, not your favourite politician!”

He went on: “Isn’t politics about giving? Match that, Mr Politician, with your piddling little promises of unending prosperity, your empty rhetoric about fixing all roads. As to jobs so plentiful that everyone can pick and choose whether they want to be the boss or the worker, gimme a break. When it comes to giving the voters what they believe they want, Mr Politician, don’t test Santa. I, the man they call jolly ole St Nick can provide all the answers.”

SO WHAT KIND OF CAMPAIGN will Santa run? What will be his standing in the polls? He admits that he has some special challenges. For one, there is all this “yute vs age” nonsense. He assures his constituents that he can “cross-i”, although he refuses to confirm or deny a rumour that he has booked an appointment at a well-known salon to have his beard and eyebrows dyed midnight black with streaks of hot pink. Young people, Santa is ready to get a “buss”.

Santa was particularly outraged at the suggestion that he was planning to dump Mrs Santa for a younger model with boobs perky enough to enhance low-cut necklines and put her in the fashion spotlight. “Outrageous”, “disrespectful”, “bad mind” are but a few of the terse responses from the press office of a man who many regard as a saint.

“I am no stranger to election promises,” Santa said in an exclusive to a man who he thought was from CNN and whose report could be useful when he went abroad to negotiate more let-off for the nation. When it turned out that the journalist was really a lion fish in macca-back clothing, Santa was not amused.

In a press release penned by his media adviser, Santa declared via FB and BB: “If the authorities insist on a Yuletide election, then they must be prepared to deal with one who understands the psychology of the season. They must face the fact that when it comes to let-off, I, Santa Claus, can outdo them. Anything they promise, I can promise a thousand times more. Note well that I have been at it, not for weeks or months but years, hundreds of years.”

Santa also moved to clarify what he sees as gross misinterpretation, that is, he has problems with the truth. He doesn’t lie, he says. He promises, quite a different thing. So, what if Santa visits his constituency only once a year? Is he any different from other politicians? He went on to display the bumper sticker with his campaign slogan: “Santa comes but once a year, but when he comes, he brings good cheer. Tek dat.”

LEAVING SANTA and returning to the real world… are we really going to have an election in the Christmas season? Election, for us, has always been synonymous with pollution of the land through bickering, back-biting, bullying and other displays of toxic indiscipline in the name of democracy.

Time is running out for those at the controls now to put an end to the speculation on which Santa will lead us into the new year. Advertising campaigns for seasonal shopping are ready to break. Commerce always rules. If they are to have the desired effect, the ads must be running no later than the end of this month, says Robert MacMillan, a much-experienced and knowledgeable leader in the advertising business. Does he think an election campaign would overshadow business? He believes we have been maturing. He expects better of us this time. We love to celebrate, so we can deal with Christmas and election same time.

Businessman/political commentator Kevin O’Brien Chang of Fontana Pharmacy believes in the goodness of our people, but is still not completely at ease with the way we do politics. As a member of the Mandeville community, he is not entirely happy with certain unpleasant undertones which have come to the fore so soon in the election campaign now under way. He is hopeful that things will settle down. In his experience as a businessman, Christmas shopping really picks up speed about 10 or so days before the big day. So, elections shouldn’t have a negative effect. However, peace and harmony leading up to it would help, he said, not just for commercial purposes, but for the good of the community.

AND SO SAY ALL OF US.

gloudonb@yahoo.com