By the very truth of it,

I care not for you…

I hate you, which I had rather

You felt than make me boast.

— Shakespeare, Cymbeline 11, 3

When love turns to hate, it must be a terrible experience for the one on the receiving end. Perhaps it would have been better if there was no love in the first place, so you’d have nothing to lose. But when all the passion, pleasure, attraction, sensuality and sexuality turn to revulsion, disgust, repulsion and anger that goe with hate, then it must be far worse.

‘Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all,’ comes to mind again, for that anguish of having love snatched from your grasp must be a bitter pill to swallow.

But they do say that there’s a thin line between love and hate, and every so often that thin line, that narrow barrier that separates these two powerful forces, is breached, snapped like a cobweb by a broom, sweeping away all of your hopes and dreams. And just like Humpty Dumpty, that famous egg who lost his balance and fell, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men, could never put it back together again.

We always hear about falling in love, how beautiful it is, and even more about love at first sight. But how often have we heard about falling out of love, or hate at second sight, after you’ve had a long, hard look at the person?

Falling in love is most pleasurable, as both parties float on cloud nine, experiencing a beautiful ‘trauma’ as the body and mind are altered. But falling out of love must be equally traumatic, but in a negative way. Usually, unlike falling in love, it’s a one-way street, where one partner alone experiences it, while the other isn’t even aware that he or she has been deleted.

That’s when the bombshell drops. “Hey, I don’t love you anymore.” What a thing to hear. It’s almost like hearing that you have a terminal disease, I’m told.

We’ll find out more, right after some comments about ‘Who catches whom’.

Hey Tony,

You are right that the man chases the woman until she catches him. The minute a man approaches a woman she has already decided if she wants him or not. She may even decide this before he approaches. I will be in the club or on the road and see a man who I like. I make eye contact, smile at him, then turn away. He then approaches and starts his ‘chase’, not knowing that he was already chosen. Many men fall victim to this game while believing they scored a victory.

Rose

Hey Tony,

Your column is spot on. During ancient times, men raided villages to capture nubile women to be their wives. But women have had the upper hand since the age of Medieval chivalry. The wiliest part is them letting us men think we had the upper hand and were in control. I am just glad that after several clumsy attempts, I was finally able to get caught.

Wickham,

Brampton, Ontario

Tony,

Regarding racial abuse in sports, you are right on. Some people have no sense of dignity and pride. They just don’t know how demeaning it is to be racially abused.

Charles Gayle

I saw a letter in the advice columns that tore at my heartstrings. This poor guy sadly expressed that his wife had fallen out of love with him. He said that after two years of marriage she started working very late, spent more time at the office than at home, was always away on weekend assignments, barely spoke to him when she got in, and of course, stopped making love with him. It was so sad to see that man’s letter, for you could see that he still loved her.

But when a woman stops loving you, and that case goes cold, it’s best to just move on and leave it alone. Clearly her interests are in other areas, and he is not a part of them. Remember what the Bible says, ‘You cannot serve two masters, lest you love one and hate the other.’

Well, in the same way, you cannot give your job or your house, or even your car more props than your partner, as something’s gotta give. But maybe there is a reason why that person decided to put her affections elsewhere, maybe it was something that hubby was doing, or not doing, that made her stop loving him.

Not necessarily so, the experts say, for love is a fluid thing that ebbs and flows, and as people grow, their priorities might shift, and with it, the love. Being unequally yoked may be a factor, but sometimes two people are equally yoked, but one outgrows the other. So one day you wake up and say, “But what am I doing with this person beside me? We don’t match at all.”

Still, it must be painful to have someone look at you, square in the face, and say, “I don’t love you anymore.” As Shakespeare wrote, ‘That’s the most unkindest cut of all.’ Plus that first cut is the deepest, and one which many people never recover from, leading many to say, “I will never love again, for after loving for so many years, one day I was just told that you don’t love me anymore.” They won’t play that game again.

But seriously, can someone just look at their spouse and say, “I’ve fallen out of love with you,” just like that? Sometimes there is a little prelude, a hint of what’s to come, one of which is when the person says, “We have to talk.” When you hear those dreaded words, your heart skips a beat and you feel like running as fast as a rat fleeing from a fire, for you know that what’s to follow is not nice.

If you’re smart though, you will see the telltale signs, long before. They may be subtle or they may shout from the hills, but the signs are always there. One of which is absence. Just like that guy who wrote to the advice column complaining that his wife was always missing in action, you should take constant absence as a sign, a warning. Many times people use work as an excuse, as they cannot bear to face their spouse and say, “I don’t love you anymore.” So being away is a sort of escape.

Why would someone stop loving their partner after many years of heart-pumping, pulse-racing romance and love? In most cases it’s because the person has found someone else, and the love for that other person grows in direct proportion to the love that’s taken from you. It’s like transference, so the more he loves her, the less he loves you. Call it the equation of one force destroying the elements of another force, leading to its ultimate destruction.

Comparisons are made between you and her, and even though he may not verbalise them, they are stark and always present in his mind. He will compare her with you, love her youthfulness and despise your age. Then he will adore her beauty, compare it to yours and resent you for showing your years, even though time and three children have taken their toll on your body and spirit.

He will resent your lack of libido and revel in the passion that he feels for her. He will spend more time with her and less time with you, for he has fallen in love with her and out of love with you.

Women fall out of love, too, but unlike men who can have a long-term mistress, most wives have no such luxury. So they stay in the house, long after they have fallen out of love with the man, and try to hide it. They may not tell him to his face, but if he’s astute, he will know it.

Affection from her will be a thing of the past, replaced by constant bickering and rancour. She will show more interest in the children, the housework and her job than in him, always making excuses for her unavailability. Husbands have told me how their wives are always too busy for them, but even a casual observer can detect that the woman has fallen out of love with the man.

More often than not, the woman may say, “Our love has evolved, it’s no longer passion-filled, but more mature now, on a different plane.” Hogwash and horse manure combined with bovine turd; true love never dies or changes. It’s only when the love was not pure from the start that this so-called quantum shift can take place.

If he loved her only for the physical and her looks changed, then naturally his love will change too. And if she loved him for his power, ambition and wealth and those changed, then so too will her love.

That being said, it always amazes me when I hear of couples splitting after 20 or 30 years of being together. At what point did the love change or die? Well, my research shows that in many cases, the marriage was a mistake from the beginning, and they should have parted ways from the very first year. But somehow they decided to stick it out, to ‘make it work’ until they simply could not take it anymore. “I just couldn’t stand him all these years. I should have listened to my father and not married him.”

I firmly believe that a person cannot fall out of love with someone whom they really and truly loved. Oh, you may dislike what he or she did to you, but deep down that love will always be there. For that reason, many women will stay and take abuse from their men, as they are trapped by this thing called love. You cannot simply turn it on and off like a switch. But then again, I have to believe that, for I’m a true romantic at heart.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Now, apart from the sophisticated theatre that we have, there’s also roots theatre which actually draws in most of the audiences. Call it what you like, and turn up your nose at your peril, roots theatre is a remarkable phenomenon in this country. I went to see Shebada and Delcita in The Politicians recently, and I must tell you, they exhibit sheer comic genius. The timing in their comedy is worthy of the greats like Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, Laurel and Hardy, Bim and Bam, Miss Lou and Ranny Williams.

They take a chunk of Jamaican life and throw it in our faces, and the genius of it all is that no two performances are the same. Sure, it’s not Shakespeare or Chaucer, but remember, Shakespeare started out as roots theatre too, and was snubbed by the upper class, until the queen saw one of his plays and endorsed his work. The rest is history. We are so blessed to have so many genres of theatre to choose from.