Women are soft, mild,

Pitiful and flexible,

Thou stern, obdurate, flinty

Rough, remorseless.

— Shakespeare, 3 Henry, VI, 1, 4

THEY say that variety is the spice of life. But what they didn’t say is that very same variety can mash up your life if you choose wrongly.

Now, there are many different types of women who grace this good earth, and for every woman there is a man. That’s where you’re so wrong, for despite what the old folks say, every hoe does not have its stick a bush.

I know that the young folks may struggle to understand that saying, but to wit, it means that every hoe (person) has a stick (companion) waiting in the bush ready to match and fit.

Now, you’re going to ask me what a hoe is. The point is, it’s not true that everyone has a potential significant other waiting to match up with them. And all those matchmaking sites like match.com or findamate.org and others will not supply them with a significant other. Even the local oils and concoctions won’t work. The reason is, not every woman is wife material.

That may sound harsh, but reality usually is. To be brutally honest, the fact is, women come in various types, and they all fulfil a specific role, as we’ll find out right after these letters dealing with ‘Sexual timing’.

Mr Robinson,

Kudos for broaching a very sensitive and controversial subject. Even while young girls are having babies and young men have scant regard for who they have sex with, there are people still against condom distribution. What planet do they live on, and in what century?

Do they not see the epidemic of unwanted pregnancies, the illicit abortions, the scourge of sexually transmitted diseases? And yet, they are against the one thing that can prevent these. Talk of morality, abstinence and family life is all well and good, but talk means nothing when sexual urges run rampant. Some people will talk others to death.

Barbara

Hi Tony,

Regarding this subject, I completely agree with you on the provision of condoms to our young folks. No parent wants to have a pregnant teenage daughter, but there seems to be a double standard where the concern seems to be mainly for the young girls, but we don’t put enough emphasis on educating the young boys on safe sex.

Parents just don’t want to believe that their daughters are having sex, while fathers are proud that their sons are. After all, he’s just sowing his wild oats, while it’s the girl who is bearing the fruit of his planting.

Eric

Some women are still looking for a permanent partner, a man to call their own, a husband to belong to. They seek out men with the hope that one day they will walk down the aisle and live happily ever after. Every man who they meet they view as a potential husband. They may even resort to those Internet dating sites, but still come up empty-handed, or should I say empty-bedded.

They will solicit their friends and ask them to fix them up, set them up on dates, find a nice man for them, but to no avail. “Hey, you can’t find a nice guy for me, you don’t have any brother?” They will look everywhere, under every nook and cranny, except taking a long, hard look at themselves. And that’s where the answer lies. Some women simply do not realise that they are not wife material, and worse, they do not know what type they are.

Well, a lady sent me a list of the four basic types of women that exist. I already knew of a few types, but this list sort of narrowed it down in an honest and brutal way. One type was pretty nice, but the others were a tad unflattering.

I warn you, some women may take offence to the descriptions, as they may see themselves subconsciously, and not like what they behold. They are the ones who blame everybody else for their problems and not look within. But remember what the sages said, “The problem lies not in the stars, but in ourselves.”

Now, it’s said that there are basically four types of women, and interestingly enough, many men will deal with them all, but on different levels and different times. The research says that there are: Wifey, Mistress, Sketel and Easy Lay. I sort of changed some of the names as they were a bit too rough to repeat. I did mention that some women may find the categories offensive.

Let’s start with the first type, the wifey. Now she’s the type that all men want to settle down with. Notice, I said settle down with, for a man will check all the other types, but just as a bee flies from flower to flower, he will, too, but will only pollinate one. Well, the wifey will get all the pollination, as he’ll stick with her, have her bear his children, set up house with her, spend quality time with her and generally loves to be around her.

Basically, the wifey is irreplaceable, as she is the woman who the man truly loves and never wants to see with any other man. True, men being men, he may cheat on her with the other three categories of women, but he’ll always go back home to the wifey.

He’ll also tell those other types that nothing is going on at home, and that he’ll leave wifey for them, but he never does. He cannot afford to lose wifey. Let’s face it, he searched long and hard to find a wifey type, so he isn’t going to risk blowing it all just because the other types are willing to blow him all the time.

Now, the other type is the mistress, and we all know how common they are, very common. The mistress is replaceable, even though she thinks that she is wife material, she’s not. If she was, she would be the wife and not the mistress. She would have the man’s name instead of just being a part of his game.

She would wear the ring and not be just a play thing. She would live with him full-time instead of just being full of him some of the time. Many are professional mistresses, always on the side but never inside the man’s life.

The mistress tries to take wifey’s spot, but she will never fit in wifey’s shoes. Even if the man spends quality time with her, he’ll always go back home to wifey, even in the dead of night. Men are always leaving the bed of the mistress. Mistresses are easily replaced by other mistresses, but wifey is constant.

If you doubt me, please explain why many men will have a mistress on the side and if he gets single again, he still won’t marry her, but will either remain single or marry someone else. That’s because most mistresses are not wife material.

The third type is the sketel, and I purposely changed the name of this type to protect the sensitive, if not the guilty. The other term is a most unfortunate name, even though it’s the slang of the day and even women call other women that. And no, it’s not ‘witch’ either, but pretty close.

She’s the type of woman who men use only for sex. She will go running to the man whenever he beckons. She’s the type of woman who is the perfect booty call and men will call her any hour of the night to say that they’re coming over. Sometimes he’ll call and tell her to meet him at a spot, but she’s just a phone call away. Now, which man is going to marry that type?

The fourth type is the lay of the land, Miss Easy, and I changed the name of this type, but it does rhyme with that aforementioned farming implement that ‘has its stick a bush.’ This type of woman is even below the rank of sketel, for men will have sex with her for no reason at all.

She’s not even good enough to be a mistress, much less a wifey, and falls way down on the totem pole of men’s sexual preferences. Some men have admitted to just having sex with these women simply to pass the time. They’re not

even a booty call; they are simply just available.

So there you have it, the four basic types of women that men encounter. You may not like the categories, but for sure, all women fit one of these types. Women may not know or admit what type they are, but the men always know.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: There have been quite a few high-profile celebrity funerals lately, but one person who died and may not have shared the spotlight of a celebrity funeral was former JIS television producer/director, Freddie Burrough.

Freddie was a pioneer in the early years of television in Jamaica and produced some of the finest programmes at the time. Those were the days of live black and white TV with no luxury of taping and editing. I was a young producer/director at the time and I learnt a lot from this little artistic genius.

Now he’s gone with no fanfare, but knowing Freddie Burrough, that’s exactly how he’d want it. Another icon of broadcasting has slipped away.