A surfeit of the sweetest things,

The deepest loathing to the stomach brings.

Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream II, 2

“WHAT sweet nanny goat a go run him belly” is perhaps the modern-day version of that above quote. One can have too much of a good thing, it is said, and a voracious appetite can lead to indigestion. But there is appetite and there is appetite, and some people never seem to be satisfied as they overindulge.

Now, ever since that lady wrote the article “My vagina is not public property”, it seems as if it’s open season

on vaginas. Everybody’s dabbling in the subject, men, women and even the androgynous, and many self-professed experts are putting forward their opinions as they try to sniff out the facts on this ticklish subject.

Well, I am no different, as I have been writing about the vagina for decades. I am no expert, but I do enjoy the research. Plus people have been peppering me with requests to do a counterpoint to my article on the phallus. “Be fair and do an equal exposé on the vagina,” they say. So I had to bow to the request and do extensive research on the vagina, specifically, the voracious vaginas.

Fortunately for me I have friends and family who are doctors and nurses, plus a vast array of women who are more than willing to share their experiences with me, as long as their names aren’t called. Information is supplied on a purely scientific basis, and also to secretly get back at their men.

So we delve where most men want to go, where some have never been, where others dream to venture, into the world of the voracious vagina, right after these responses to “Attracting Quality Women”.

Hey Teerob,

Women are everywhere, a dime a dozen as you say. But a real quality woman is almost as rare as a diamond, and as precious too. If you thought that women had a hard time finding a good man, just try to be a successful man who’s seeking a good woman. He has to sift through the raft of gold-diggers, social climbers, big spenders, deceivers, marriage on mind, ‘licky licky’ women who have stardust in their eyes and see him as nothing but a meal ticket. To separate the wheat from the chaff is challenging, and it’s a lucky man who can get a real quality woman.

John

Hi Tony,

I believe that high-quality men attract high-quality women, while average men attract average women. A high-quality man does not have to be rich, but must have a good job with decent income, so that he can afford to take me out for good meals, buy me flowers, and take me to the occasional theatre or movie without becoming broke over these gestures. A quality man is well groomed, hair, clothes, shoes, and clean, manicured fingernails. He has a positive attitude, is confident, well mannered, and attentive. A quality woman may have a quick fling with a ‘bad boy’ but seeks a quality man for a long-term relationship. Quality men and women will be attracted to each other, but maintaining a good and long relationship is when the real work starts.

Susan

For centuries women have been getting a raw deal when it comes to sexuality. A man can have a voracious sexual appetite and it’s more than accepted, but a woman is supposed to suppress hers. In fact, a man with such an appetite is called a stud, a name he proudly accepts, yet a woman of the same ilk is disparagingly called a nymphomaniac, with emphasis on the maniac.

Many men do not like this trait, especially if it’s their women who have this voracious appetite, and they will do everything in their power to suppress it. In ancient times, some men who took long trips would resort to fitting their wives with a chastity belt, a contraption made of leather and padlocks designed to thwart the entrance to the voracious vagina. I don’t think that there was an equivalent device to stop men from curbing

their appetite.

There is this story of King Arthur leaving on a long mission and trusting Prince Valiant with the key to the young queen’s chastity belt. After barely a half-hour, a breathless Prince Valiant caught up to him via his fastest steed and said, “Your highness, you gave me the wrong key.”

Still, much research has been done on the vagina and its role in female sexuality, especially appetite and response to stimulation. It is a mystery organ that the average person knows very little about, including women. Much to my surprise I recently saw a documentary that showed that many women hadn’t ever seen theirs, believe it or not. When the researchers gave them mirrors to look for themselves, most were surprised, if not flabbergasted, to see it for the first time. “Well, I hadn’t seen that in years.” “So that’s what it looks like.” Mark you, this was a foreign-based research, and I doubt that would apply to Jamaican women.

Men, on the other hand, have an advantage with their organ, as they can see it at a glance, unlike the hidden wonders of a woman’s, which is subject to mystery and intrigue. It’s also underrated when it comes to strength and power. History has always equated courage with the male genitalia of bulls, ram goats, lions, and strong men. That’s a myth, as USA actress Betty White says, “Why do people say, ‘grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really want to get tough, grow a vagina! Those things can take a pounding!” Spoken by a woman too.

To corroborate this, it’s a known fact that child bearing is a painful experience, and so is a man being kicked in the groin. Yet a woman will have many children, but a man does not wish to be kicked in the groin, ever again, having experienced it once before.

What makes some vaginas so voracious? Not only is it a mystery, but it’s also very emotionally painful and scary for some men. If you read the confessions from some women in the advice columns, you’ll catch my drift. “Although I regard myself as a loving and faithful wife, I had a one night stand with an attractive man in Montego Bay last week.” And, “My husband went away on a business trip to the USA and I slept with his cousin who was our house guest.”

Those and other letters of the same vein appear in the papers every day from women with voracious vaginas, plus women secretly admit to their friends how they feed this voraciousness. I use the word voracious because one man cannot satisfy them. If you ask them why, they usually cannot give a logical or reasonable answer. These are not women who are having marital problems, and in fact, they love their partners, but the voracious vaginas rule supreme and they cannot

help themselves.

Much research had been done by Masters and Johnson, the Kinsey Report, The Hite Report, and yet the voracious vagina remains an enigma. But ironically, if even women who own vaginas know so little about them, it’s little wonder that other people still can’t put their finger on it. The point is though, the vagina is mysterious, and has caused much grief to men who foolishly think that it not only belongs to their women, but to them too. “What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine too. Not because is you grow it, but I own it.”

When the woman feeds this voracious appetite for reasons that even she cannot comprehend, the man goes crazy, and she is sometimes filled with remorse. “How could you sleep with him, yet say that you love me?” “I don’t know why I did it, I just couldn’t help myself… plus you were away.”

The voracious vagina remains a mystery, although it’s said that Spanish scientific research puts it down to higado blanco. Higado is liver in Spanish and blanco means white, so the Jamaican rumours and sayings about women with white liver may very well be true.

Men with pendulum penises that swing all over the place are praised, but women with voracious vaginas are vilified and often feared. Even the man who has a woman who is faithful to him but also has a voracious vagina is fearful of her. His inadequacies to satisfy her needs totally emasculate him. “I can’t manage her, I can’t handle it, her vagina is voracious.” And yet they say that men are stronger. More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: It’s often fashionable to curse and berate our youngsters nowadays, saying that they’re worthless and no good. And some may deserve it. But there is hope. Now that the CXC, CSEC and CAPE results are out, I am not only pleased, but amazed at some of the results I’m hearing. I know of Immaculate High School girls getting 10 distinctions, and I heard of KC boys getting 11 distinctions. I hear of girls from St Andrew High getting five distinctions in CAPE. A JC boy got 17 CXCs. There are also results from other schools that are equally astounding. Gone are the days when five and six GCE passes were great. Now the bar has been raised and the youngsters are leaping over it, and raising it even higher. How wonderful, and how proud the parents and schools must be. Congrats to all.