But love is blind,

And lovers cannot see

The pretty follies

That themselves commit.

— Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice II, 6

THAT saying about love being blind must be true, for it manifests itself almost every day right before our very eyes. I’m not referring to when one party cannot see, or refuses to see the glaring faults in their respective spouses. That’s a blindness that transcends all logic and reason. But there is the shroud that covers the eyes of people that not only makes them unable to see the reality of the situation, but also makes them commit pretty follies, and ugly ones too, which they cannot see for themselves.

This insane, red-hot, so-called love usually comes from affairs that people somehow get entangled in. And inevitably, those tangled webs that they choose to weave usually ensnare them until they are bound up in a sticky mess that has only one conclusion — disaster.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive, goes the old saying. And there are few webs of deception that are as tangled as the webs of the affair.

It’s every couple’s nightmare, every wife’s deepest suspicion, every man’s worst fear, that their spouse is having an affair.

And yet it does happen, and often, and from people whom you’d least expect. The affair, exposed this week, right after these responses to ‘A woman’s heart’.

Hi Tony,

You hit the nail on the head about the way to a woman’s heart being through her stomach. Most women really do not care about the meal itself, but more about the song and dance leading up to the meal, the wining and dining. They like to be taken out to a nice place and be treated like a princess. It is the effort that scores points.

I know a woman who is ecstatic over the fact that her long married husband still takes her out to dinner at least once a week. They call it date night. There is the old joke about a man taking a woman to bed and she balking with the words, “What, no movie and dinner first?”

Sean

Teerob,

Fantastic and relevant article in the Observer. You nailed it perfectly. Women really need to be fed and watered or you will never get to their hearts. Take her to a fancy restaurant, let her order anything that she desires, then ply her with expensive wine and you’ll have her won for the night. There’s even the old saying to back this up, “Food and candy are dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

Mike

There’s a series on Showtime titled The Affair that is simply spellbinding. My better half and I don’t miss it on our ‘date nights’. It tells the story of a seemingly happy man, who with his wife and three children, enjoy summer vacation in a small seaside town in Long Island, New York. While there he meets this sultry waitress who works in the diner where his family frequents. She, too, happens to be married, but with lots of emotional baggage.

Well, the whole encounter, lead-up, build-up and consummation of the affair is a fascinating and intriguing bit of storytelling, as it first tells the tale of the affair from one party’s point of view, then from the other’s. It may be fiction, but life does imitate art. In fact, fiction cannot match the extraordinary stories of real-life affairs.

Let’s face it, as sordid, salacious, sexual, sensual and sinful as affairs are, they do capture your interest when viewed from the outside. “What a story, look how that couple carry on for years behind their spouses back and no one knew about it…. slick, eh!”

The last thing that you want to hear, though, is that your other half is having an affair. It’s a word that brings dread to any relationship. “Say what? You’re having an affair…. who with… How long?… are you in love?”

Usually, just like CHIKV there are underlying causes why people have affairs, for if a couple is really in love, then no third party will be able to get between them and throw a wrench into that relationship. It’s hardly likely that a newly-wed couple would fall prey to the snares of an affair, as their love is so strong.

First, let’s define what an affair constitutes. I’m not talking about a casual one-night stand that entices some people. We see those all the time in the advice columns, where a spouse goes away on a business trip and foolishly has sex with someone who they just met. After they return they’re filled with remorse and guilt plus health fears, and seek advice. Those are stupid interactions, but not really classed as affairs.

Affairs are when one spouse gets involved deeply with someone else and maintains not only a sexual relationship, but an emotional one. Women say that the emotional component is worse, while men say that it’s the other man’s sexual involvement with his wife that’s devastating.

If it’s a man having the affair, he spends less time at home and more with the other woman. He usually neglects his wife in this department as he becomes absorbed by the object of his desire. His heart burns with passion as he yearns for her when she’s not with him.

If it’s the woman having the affair, the passion is perhaps doubled and she will even daydream about her lover while she’s with her husband. Her emotions are a tangled mess and she can’t wait for them to get together again. The moments may be fleeting, furtive, fuelled by a passion that’s often mistaken for love.

Affairs can be deceptive, for those feelings are often mistaken for love, but in most cases it’s really a high degree of lust, sensuality, sexual heat. If love was there it would override everything else. Whatever it is, it’s usually a tangled, sordid mess.

Still, the things that people having affairs do often boggle the mind and stretch the imagination. Their plans and schemes could be used in espionage during wartime. The chances that they take are extraordinary and often make onlookers wonder if they weren’t touched by madness.

“You mean to say, the man drive all night to Portland in pouring rain, during the height of CHIKV just to meet his lover?” People having affairs have been known to book separate flights just to meet each other on foreign soil.

The French judicial system has a separate category for some types of crime, calling them crimes of passion. That’s because crimes committed in the name of love, lust, and passion have a tinge of insanity and therefore fall outside the realm of logic and reason.

Perhaps the same can be said for affairs. But I reiterate, if a relationship is stable, then neither party will fall prey to any affair. It’s when there’s a chink in the armour that the virus enters, and just like CHIKV it invades the host, causing great pain and discomfort as it takes root. Affairs exploit weaknesses in relationships.

That’s why when we read or hear of affairs, my wife always says, “It must be something that the man did that led his wife to have an affair.” In other words, it’s the man’s fault. Well, maybe, for sometimes the man simply stopped paying his wife attention, and she got it elsewhere.

That’s one big reason that fuels affairs, the experts say — neglect. So when the man has the affair, what are his reasons? “Oh, it’s his fault of course, for men are just bad,” say the women. Men said that they felt neglected and started their affair simply to get some attention. Men are sensitive. Often, mistresses know more about the man than his own wife does, for they show more interest in his life.

The thing about affairs, though, is that they mostly end up one way, in emotional disaster. Those involved are anxious, nervous and stressed, as they just can’t seem to get enough time with each other. The victims are hurt beyond belief as the betrayal is incalculable, especially if a best friend is involved.

Books, movies and real life often have the best friend as the person having the affair with your spouse. “How could you, and with my best friend too?” is often the clichéd question.

It’s good to feel secure in your relationship, to know that your better half loves you and you love them in return. The destructiveness of affairs is chronicled, and the old saying rings true, “You cannot build happiness on the unhappiness of others.”

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Sports is taking an ugly turn. Words like honour, loyalty, allegiance and integrity are all history. The West Indian cricketers walk off in the middle of a tour in India, but in a short time will be happily playing again in another series with no consequences. It’s like nothing happened and life goes on.

Then, closer home, JC played Denham Town and XLCR played Holy Trinity for a place in the Manning Cup semi-finals. For JC to qualify they had to score two more goals than XLCR scored in their match. Well, can you believe that XLCR scored 12 and JC scored 16? What was even more astonishing was that six of those JC goals were scored in the last five minutes of the match. Is something sinister here? This is at the schoolboy level, too. ‘Something smells, something is amiss, something is rotten in the state of Denmark,’ said Hamlet.