By the very truth of it,

I care not for you…

I hate you, which I had rather

You felt than make me boast.

– Shakespeare,Cymbeline II, 3

At least men who hear those words should take comfort and consider themselves lucky, as they know exactly where they stand, as they got the memo, the termination papers, the Dear John letter, the pink slip.But that’s in a perfect world, where women say what they mean and mean what they say. Let’s get real, though; we do not live in a perfect world, and most women do not express themselves in a clear, concise, cogent manner.Most speak in code, in half truths, subtle innuendo, or silence, and the man has to figure out what the signs mean. The most important signs that he has to read are the ones that indicate that she wants out. We’ll find out what they are, right after these responses to ‘Eyes of the beholder’.

When a woman tells a man those words as said in the quote above, he knows that she’s lost the feeling for him. The love has died, the passion has faded, the roaring fire has turned to a smoldering ember which then flickers and dies. As the song goes, ‘You’ve lost that loving feeling, and it’s gone, gone, gone.’ Dude, it’s over, she doesn’t want you anymore. In common parlance, ‘the dolly house mash up’.

At least men who hear those words should take comfort and consider themselves lucky, as they know exactly where they stand, as they got the memo, the termination papers, the Dear John letter, the pink slip.

But that’s in a perfect world, where women say what they mean and mean what they say. Let’s get real, though; we do not live in a perfect world, and most women do not express themselves in a clear, concise, cogent manner.

Most speak in code, in half truths, subtle innuendo, or silence, and the man has to figure out what the signs mean. The most important signs that he has to read are the ones that indicate that she wants out. We’ll find out what they are, right after these responses to ‘Eyes of the beholder’.

Hi Tony,

I hear what you say, and I agree for the most part, but one thing that’s universal is ugly. Hence the term, ‘God don’t like ugly’. Beauty on the outside is relative, yes, and we all see things from a personal perspective. But what transcends all races, classes and cultures is ugly behaviour. That is recognised from the most primitive tribes to the most sophisticated cultures. All eyes see ugly behaviour as reprehensible, although some will turn a blind eye to it.

Natalie

Hi Tony,

Sometimes it’s the soul of the beholder that attracts some men to women. I always believed that sexy was an attitude and not necessarily a look. A woman with a homely look but who is kind, witty and intelligent and has a sexy attitude is more attractive than a woman with a pretty face who is ‘bitchy’, not too bright and humourless. As for me, the first thing that I look at is a woman’s legs. If I am pleased, then I work my eyes upwards.

Legman

Couples break up all the time for different reasons, among them infidelity, abuse, boredom, neglect, or simply falling out of love. The first reasons are fairly easy to figure out, as they are tangible. “You slapped me, it’s over, I’m leaving.”

“You slept with my brother, goodbye.” Those are pretty clear-cut and dry.

Men usually come straight out and split, or they hook up with someone else and drift away. Women, ah women, they aren’t as forthcoming when it comes to breaking up with their partner, especially if the reasons aren’t the tangible kind. Maybe she simply fell out of love and is so confused she can’t find the words to tell him.

She may confide in her girlfriend: “He’s such a nice, decent guy, treats me like a queen, I just don’t know how to tell him it’s over.” Instead, she sends off these signs, akin to smoke signals, wispy, gossamer, light, airy, innocuous, almost invisible, that the man may need special glasses to discern.

One sign is that she gets miserable with the man all the time, every minute, every hour, every day, every night… well, you got the picture. Gone are the days of the laughing, happy woman. Instead, it’s a constant grumpy, sour-faced harridan who’s miserable all the time.

“Hi Honey.”

“Don’t ‘Honey’ me, Get out of my face.”

“Sorry.”

Yet she’s happy with other people. It doesn’t take an advice counsellor to figure out, it’s YOU who she’s miserable with.

The man hasn’t got to do or say anything to trigger these bouts of misery, as they’re always there, lurking like a dormant volcano, ready to erupt at any moment. It’s a sign that she wants out.

This is followed by a lack of intimacy. Now, this is one sign that even a man who’s blind, deaf, dumb and locked in a box should be able to see. There are no more hugs, no kisses, no touchy feely, and as the French say, the piece de resistance…even as we say, resistance to piece….in other words, no more sex. She stopped sleeping with you, always has an excuse, she nuh want you nuh more. Give it up, for she stopped giving it up. It’s over.

I read a very interesting article that linked women’s depression to falling out of love. Strangely, because her anxiety increases her sense of smell, her tolerance of how her partner smells decreases. She can’t even stand his cologne. Plus, she can’t bear to have him touch her, as he now feels rough and coarse. Everything about him is now a big turnoff – how he feels, how he smells, how he touches her. Even if they do make love, it’s merely a mechanical exercise on her part. Might as well you have sex by numbers and get it over with. When a woman falls out of love, she cannot fake those feelings. And when the love goes, the olfactory and touch senses increase.

Men are different, as they can have sex even without feelings, that’s why they can buy prostitutes or sleep with strange women. Most women need an emotional attachment, and when the love dies, the man becomes a pariah.

That’s tangible, and a very obvious sign that men can feel, touch and taste. Well, not taste. It’s the subtle ones that are difficult to decipher. One is the recurring rumbling, the repeating riots, the rippling riffs that are not music to the ears. Enter the same argument over and over again.

Most couples have arguments, and in fact the relationship experts say that’s healthy. But when it’s the same thing over and over again, from Methuselah was a boy and dirt was first made, she’ll keep dishing dirt in the man’s face.

“You shouted at me 10 years ago and it still hurts.”

“You going to bring that up again?, You nuh tired of the same argument?”

It’s a sign that she wants out, and is her way of saying, “I don’t love you anymore.” The same sankey, singing over and over again for eternity.

Another sign that it’s over is when she criticises everything that the man does. Not one word of praise, not a hint of encouragement, but a constant deluge of derogatory damnation. “You need to lose some weight, you hair needs groomng, that shirt is ugly, change those shoes, don’t drive like that, your job is lousy, you can’t do anything right.” Those are signs that try men’s souls and are indicators that she wants out.

Another sign is when she pulls away from the man’s life. When they were a happy couple, they used to do everything together. But now, she has other interests and the man isn’t included. Suddenly she starts to hang out with a new group of friends, or takes up a new interest in various activities, civic clubs, social scenes, or even church. And guess what, she goes to these without the man, cutting him out of the loop.

“Why can’t I come too?”

“Oh, you wouldn’t like it, it’s just another boring women’s club meeting.”

Bredrin, you’re out.

Oh, the signs they are many, say the experts in these matters. Michael Jackson sang,

She’s out of my life after he saw the signs. The playtime stops, as she doesn’t share any frivolity and playfulness with the man. She always has to fill the space so that they’re never alone together, always having people over, brings a third party on dates, can’t stand to be alone with the man, yet talks and laughs with other people, disappears for hours and turns her cellphone off. Some are subtle, while others may hit you in the face with a cataclysmic force.

Don’t wait until she changes the lock on her door, or moves to a different house and doesn’t tell you. Read the signs, for women won’t come straight and tell it like it really is. But don’t lose heart, for maybe her going is a chance for you to meet someone else. Until she gives you her signs too.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Jamaicans love simple pleasures such as visiting Hope Gardens or Devon House, going to the beach, eating two patties and a box drink and going to the movies. In spite of all the high-tech stuff, DVDs, Blue Ray, et al, streaming movie sites,HBO, Netflix, cable TV, people still love to go to the movies. I know that I do, and I’ve been going to Carib Cinema from I was a little boy, walking up from Maxfield Avenue with my late older brother for Saturday morning matinees. I still love it, and it’s not about the movie only, but the ‘evening out’ experience, the popcorn and the hot dogs. I see Jamaicans from all walks of life enjoying Carib, now the only real cinema in town. It’s a simple pleasure that I will always cherish.