What’s in a name, or acronym for that matter? Lots, it would appear…

Being an Uptown (UPT) Girl is more than being from certain a zip code; it’s an all-consuming career path. From birth, all UPT Girls are enrolled in the “catch a man” PhD programme with a double major in “good-good” body and a minor in protecting the family name. Excellence is a must! As is being well-bred, trained and disciplined regarding how to be perceived as the perfectly behaved daughter, the smiling trophy girlfriend and the ageless wife

The rules are non-negotiable: somewhere, someone is watching.

UPT Girls are well-heeled, well-surnamed, come from good homes and are expected to marry into even better ones. The ultimate goal is to have a man. Hence looks and the men in their lives, be they fathers or boyfriends, are of importance. Careers are encouraged to prevent ennui until marriage and motherhood. Eschew all thoughts of taking over the family business! Don’t be simple, that’s for the boys! But it is acceptable that they helm the associated family charity until they spawn the next generation of UPT princesses, of course.

The UPT Girl listens keenly to her Chief of Staff — her mother — ably supported by a cabal of aunties, whose greatest pleasure in life is imparting tried and proven truisms on how to find a man, hold a man and run a household.

It is possible to work one’s way into being an UPT Girl, but be warned, the social rules have to be adhered to more strictly than those born with social pedigree.

The ability to run a constant PR campaign is applauded. This, after all, promotes wife-ability. Maintaining a competitive edge through looks is part of the daily routine. Indeed, the UPT Girl is more faithful to her trainer than her husband! Frequent manis, pedis and blow-dries are a must. UPT Girls have more bikinis than morals and in every colour.

Of note is the social media of the UPT Girl. The pages are specially curated to maintain a balance between an image of physical attractiveness and potential as a good wife. The backbone of the UPT Girl’s social media is the bikini pic, showing off a body that is simultaneously curvy and rock-hard. Supporting this are cute pictures of the adorable children in their lives and photos of them looking family-oriented.

Things have changed which poses remorse for many. Indeed, the colour of wealth and ambition have changed in alarming proportion. What this means — roll out the yoga mat and exhale — is that the dark whites are in scarce supply and so the upwardly mobile black man is deemed a worthy option. Thankfully, they, for the most part, are only too eager to acquiesce.

From Uptown Girl to Uptown Housewife, things change but just a tad! The UPT Housewife was last seen somewhere between Page 2 , Cannonball cafe, and picking up their children from AISK or Hillel. No, silly, CRU and Uncorked are for the girlfriends! But we digress. The UPT Girl runs the household better than the country is run and her retinue floats a portion of the Jamaican economy. The UPT Girl turned UPT housewife is perpetually stressed because “it’s so difficult to find good help” and she is always on the lookout for signs of infidelity.

Hell hath no fury like an UPT Girl scorned or having to live on a budget, the result of an acrimonious divorce! For without Gordon Steer or Peter Champagnie on retainer, the UPT Girl would be forced to add realtor/interior designer or event planner to her status.