Disciplining children is one of the most important yet difficult responsibility of parenting. The goal is to foster acceptable and appropriate behaviour in your child. Unfortunately, in Jamaica, the idea of discipline has become synonymous with punishment. It is ingrained in our culture. It is customary to punish kids with violence and raised voices. This stems from you, the parent, feeling hurt by your child’s behaviour so you seek to strike back and inflict a similar pain. This causes you to overreact.

But you, the parent, must get a handle of your own emotions in order to be effective.

The word ‘discipline’ comes from the Latin word “disciplinare” which means “ to teach”. To teach is to demonstrate or explain how to do something. It is about changing behaviour and not about punishment, which is to inflict suffering for past behaviour. Teaching, therefore, is the key to correcting inappropriate behaviour. We can extrapolate from that, that discipline is the practice of training someone to behave in accordance with rules or code of behaviour. It works best when it is fair, but firm.

Violence, on the other hand, breeds fear and mistrust in your children. Therefore the urge to “punish first, ask questions later” must be resisted as this only serves to silence your child and increases the risk of rebellious behaviour later on in life. You are supposed to be your child’s protector. Offering abuse is not protection, and it certainly does not help the situation.

It would be more useful and productive to sit with your child and calmly explain why his or her actions were wrong. I also firmly believe that you should listen to your child and allow him to explain why such action was taken. Without a doubt, if your child has done wrong, there must be consequences, but be sure to fit the consequence with the situation.

Before deciding on a consequence, parents or caregivers should consider the child’s feelings and circumstances that led to the behaviour. Many times the child experiences feelings of unfairness, jealousy and retaliation. It is necessary for your child to understand his or her feelings and to learn problem-solving methods.

Harmful Effects of Spanking

Discipline through spanking is highly controversial. In Jamaica, it is cultural that many parents still spank their children. Here are some reasons why many experts discourage this practice:

• Spanking teaches violence to kids. Kids learn that it is okay to hit when you are angry with someone.

• Spanking can physically harm your child.

• Spanking instills fear in your child and merely teaches them to avoid being caught. It does not teach them how to change their behaviour.

• Spanking decreases self-esteem in kids which carries over into adulthood.

• Some kids may misbehave to gain attention from inattentive parents, even if this is negative attention.

• Spanking has been shown to have long-term effects on kids and may contribute to depression when these kids are adults. Other long-term effects include these kids now turned adults may abuse their spouses and their own kids.

• Parents who spank their kids often feel devalued themselves because deep down they regret using this form of punishment.

Disciplining Teens

Disciplining teens can be quite challenging and most definitely should not include physical or emotional abuse. The teen years are when they become moody, self-absorbed and may even rebel. This is due largely to the major hormonal changes taking place in their bodies. Yet at the same time, they lack the maturity to make informed, thoughtful decisions. Some useful tips for effective discipline are:

• Set clear rules: Your teens must know what the boundaries are and what the consequences are of breaking rules.

• Be consistent: Teens are masters of negotiation and manipulation. They easily detect any sign of parental weakness. Both parents should be on the same page. Be firm but also be fair and understanding.

• Be a good role model: Practise what you preach. For example, if one of the rules is not to swear, yet you as the parent swear, then this will not be an effective rule.

• Stay involved: You need to know what your kids are up to. This includes their friends, where they go and what they do. This will cue you in on any warning signs that your teen may be in trouble.

• Love and Support: Let your teens know that you will always support and love them. Before you come down hard on your teen, try to understand what drove them to this infraction. Get your kids to open up to you even about sensitive subjects such as sex and drug use.

Dr Karla Hylton is the author of Yes! You Can Help Your Child Achieve Academic Success and Complete Chemistry for Caribbean High Schools . She operates Bio & Chem Tutoring, which specialises in secondary level biology and chemistry. Reach her at (876) 564-1347, biochemtutor100@gmail.com or khylton.com .