Love is like a child

That longs for everything

That he can come by.

— Shakespeare, The Two Gentlemen of Verona III, 1

It was Alfred Lord Tennyson who wrote in his poem, In Memoriam , “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Many people actually attribute that line to Shakespeare, but it wasn’t the Bard who penned those words.

But it does sound Shakespearean…don’t? Whoever wrote them, those words have been the subject of many discussions about whether it’s better to avoid the pain of loving and losing as opposed to never loving at all.

Psychiatrists say that it’s better to have loved and lost, as it gives you the experience of love. But Lord have mercy, it also gives you the experience of so much pain to bear when you lose that love.

The pain is even worse when your partner just looks at you one day and says, “It’s over, I’m moving on. It’s over, I’m outta here, sayonara, goodbye, see ya.” Nothing can be worse though, than when your partner comes home one day, looks you squarely in the eyes and says, “I’ve found someone.”

“Say what?”

“I’ve found someone.”

Those words were what my good bredrin told his live-in lover before he moved out the following day. He made his departure, his egress, his exit, all of which bring great pain and leave deep wounds, exit wounds.

That’s what we’ll be looking at today, right after these responses to ‘Outgrown’.

Hi Tony,

The best scenario in relationships and partner growth is for both parties growing together. It doesn’t have to be at the same pace, but mutual growth nevertheless. People may grow in education or financial stature but remain small-minded if they leave their partner for those reasons only. The goal of every newlywed is to grow old together — the key is ‘together.’ Regarding your footnote, you are right about social media being a disease. It is an addiction and also dangerous. Texting and driving in the USA now accounts for more deaths on the road than drunk driving.

Warren

Hey Tony,

People outgrow people all the time. The sad truth is, many times the person who’s outgrown isn’t even aware that their partner has grown leaps and bounds and is merely just tolerating them. So often the one who’s outgrown is just humoured by the spouse who sometimes feels guilty about leaving. So they live together physically, but the one who has grown finds intellectual stimulation elsewhere or retreats into their own world and leaves the other to continue reading Mills and Boon novels or talking inane nonsense.

Sharon

I’m pretty sure that when you saw the title this week you thought that it was something to do with bullets. Exit wounds made by those can be terrible, but so are the wounds made to the human psyche when someone exits their life. It can be devastating and some people never fully recover, especially if it’s done suddenly in a seemingly cold, callous, heartless way.

But then again, why prolong the agony, why drag out the charade and live a lie? That is what my friend explained to me when he told his lady friend , “I found someone.” He said that it wasn’t planned but hit him like a bolt of lightning.

He dropped off his woman at the airport for a brief trip to foreign, where she planned to spend a few days with relatives. During that weekend when she was away he encountered who he thought was the most beautiful, alluring woman he’d ever seen. He was smitten.

As the Italians say, “He was hit by the thunderbolt.” The man’s heart went flippity flop and he was head over heels in love. When his girlfriend returned from foreign and he picked her up at the airport, she noticed a slight change in his mood, so she asked him what was wrong. That’s when he promptly told her, “I found someone.”

Can you imagine her shock, horror, incredulity, and dismay? After all, as far as she knew, they were fine a few days ago. How would you react if that ball of hurt dropped on you? Well, those exit wounds hurt like hell, and few people ever recover from that sort of pain. In other situations people may see it coming, little red flags, such as the partner being aloof, losing affection, non-communicative or absent a lot.

But to switch from okay to not being okay almost overnight must be devastating. People leave for different reasons — it’s the cycle of love, the cycle of life, the cycle of relationships. And it’s not all bad, for if you hadn’t left your last partner or been left, you wouldn’t be involved with your current spouse.

One door shuts, another one opens. All the world’s a stage and we are the players, we have our entrances and our exits, said Shakespeare. But those exits can leave gaping wounds that sometimes never heal.

I remember this young lady who lived with her man for almost 12 years. One day he just got up and said, “A dream is over,” and left. That woman never recovered, spending many years after bitter, angry, and hating all men, wounded severely by that untimely exit, and still suffering from wounds that can never be cauterised.

Usually, when it’s the man who leaves the woman weeps, usually accepts it, and slips off into the sunset, never to be heard from again. But when it’s the woman who makes her exit, the ripples of her departure grow into a tidal wave of emotional disaster.

Most men do not survive exit wounds, and in fact, forbid their women from leaving them. In many instances a woman signs her death warrant when she decides to exit the relationship.

The sad news reports chronicle those events so often, as men, when told that their spouse has obtained an exit visa, hasten her departure by sending her to the next life before taking their own.

Can you just imagine a woman coming home one day and telling her man, “I found someone.”

“Say what? Is who? Is Kirk, is Norman, is Gregory?”

No man wants to hear that, as his fragile ego would be shattered.

As a result, many women prefer to spend their lives in abject misery rather than beat a retreat — hasty or pedestrian. There is no egress, no exit, for the wounds would be too devastating, especially for her.

But what should people do? That quote at the top of the page said that love was like a child that longs for everything. Should people just remain stuck in a relationship out of obligation, even though there is no fire left, and worse, there’s a burning flame for someone else?

As a result, some people opt to have affairs instead, not wishing to make an exit for fear of the wounds to follow. As someone once said, “Cheating on your partner, who you want for the rest of your life, with someone who you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with, is ironic.”

Is it better to do that or suffer the effects of devastating exit wounds? Could you at this moment look at your man and say, “It’s over, I’m leaving, I found someone.” Could you look at your woman and tell her, “I’m exiting, I found someone”?

Not many people can do that, so they take the less painful route and avoid the wounds caused by their exit. Even so, some may say that remaining in the relationship may cause more pain than leaving.

So, is it better to have loved and lost, or to never have loved at all? Have you ever exited a relationship and encountered your ex years afterwards? Did those exit wounds heal? Have you ever been left in the departure lounge while your spouse flew away, never to return? Have your wounds healed, and if so, do you still have those emotional scars?

Ah bwoy, truth be told, it’s better if you’re the one making the exit, rather than being told, “I found someone.” Exit…stage left.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: A few weeks ago, I mentioned the ills of social media and the devastating effect it’s having on society. It’s worse than you can imagine. There was a recent case in Trinidad where a child committed suicide because her mother took away her smartphone. Life was simply not worth living afterwards, she thought. Then in the USA, an 11-year-old boy shot his policeman father because he took away his iPad.

Do you know what’s on your child’s smartphone? Do you know who he or she is communicating with every day? There are so many cases of children being lured away by creeps on social media. I saw a documentary where they secretly monitored children’s social media communications then showed it to the parents afterwards. The parents couldn’t believe that their ‘sweet’ children were doing such awful things. Beware.