They say this town is full of cozenage:

As nimble jugglers that deceive the eye,

Dark-working sorcerers that change the mind,

Soul killing witches that deform the body.

— Shakespeare, The Comedy of Errors, I, 2

He’s been bewitched, bewildered, besotted, brought down by necromancy, magic, (cozenage: deception, trickery) dark forces that consume his soul and twist his body. He is out of his mind. Sounds familiar? Reminds you of anyone who you know?

I’m sure that you must have known at least one man, or even a teenager from your youth, who was mesmerised by a woman who drove him out of his mind. There’s even this popular song by CeeLo Green, Crazy, in which he sings, ‘Does that make me crazy, does that make me crazy,’ which somehow sums up what many women do to men.

The effect that some women have on men throughout the centuries is often a mystery, but what is true is that they do seem to possess strange powers for which many men have no antidote.

“I tell you, is mad she mad the man why he did all those weird things.” Is that why in the old days many women were burnt at the stake because they were thought to be witches? After all, she must have been a witch to have such a hold over that powerful man. What people do not understand they often destroy.

But guess what, it’s no mystery, no three card man, no necromancy, no smoke and mirrors, no sleight of hand, no conjuring trick, but something quite simple — the magical vagina. That’s right, the magical vagina, which I’ll delve right into after these responses to ‘Best laid plans’.

Hi Tony,

You said it all as the coronavirus started to spread like wildfire. Long-term plans were put on hold, and short-term ones came to a screeching halt. Plans that were not cancelled were changed, like how we interact with people via social distancing and now line up to get into the supermarket for groceries, celebrating a milestone, birthday or anniversary with friends and relatives had to be cancelled but cannot be postponed, because that day will never come again.

Wickham

Ontario, Canada

Hey Teerob,

The best laid plans really mean nothing in the grand scheme of the universe. Civilisations have emerged and crumbled into obscurity despite the grand plans that they had. God and the universe are the real playmakers and we just have to fit into the overall grand scheme. Look at how the great plans of mighty nations simply evaporated because of a bigger master plan. Look how quickly our priorities have changed. Now all we can plan for is the next breath.

Joshua

While listening to Dhalia and Burgerman on their radio show recently, I heard the most amusing story of this young lady who wrote Dear Pastor for advice. She said that while at the bus stop an older man offered to give her a lift. As men are wont to do, he put argument to her and invited her out.

She mentioned that she had a boyfriend who lives abroad, but he countered by saying that was no problem. Anyway, to cut a long story short, she sought the advice of a ‘reader woman’ a ‘Madda’, to tie the man to her. The man became hooked and gave her money whenever she asked him. Things changed however, when her boyfriend returned from overseas, so she asked the reader woman to reverse the spell and untie the man.

Well, no can do, as once tied you cannot be untied, so the man remained beguiled, tied to her forever and wouldn’t leave her alone. Burgerman went on to say that when you see some very ordinary-looking women with some top-class men, it’s spells that they used to tie those men.

Whether it’s true or not is moot, but the fact is, the men are helpless to the spells of these women for reasons unknown. My theory is that it’s magic of a different kind, it’s the magic of the vagina.

I know I know, some women and some prudes may not like the sound of that, but it’s true. I even saw reference to it on an episode of HBO’s comedy show Curb Your Enthusiasm, where this husband confessed to his friends that his wife had him hooked because she had a magical vagina.

Scoff all you want, chide me if you will, berate me, turn up your nose and accuse me of objectifying women, the fact is clear — some women have magical vaginas. Men know this and seek it like it’s the Holy Grail. Women know it and use it as their ultimate weapon. The world knows it, and that’s why the pursuit and bartering of the vagina is the top priority of mankind.

I have a friend in the medical field who’s a gynaecologist, spending all of his working days doing what most men can only dream of, who told me this: “Yes, it’s true, some women do have magical vaginas. I can’t scientifically explain why, but it just happens.”

I know of men who treat women with abject disdain, indifference, nonchalance… all except one special woman whom he cannot help himself with. Why? Because she has a magical vagina. After making love to her, if you ask him, “How was it?” his response is simply, “It was magical.”

There’s always that one woman in a man’s life who people will say, ‘has his ticket’. She can do anything and get away with it. She has him wrapped around her little finger. But that’s not even all, she has him enthralled by her magical vagina.

The irony is, many of these women who possess the infrastructure for casting spells aren’t even good-looking. In fact, beautiful women are everywhere, and moreso nowadays where almost every woman can look good courtesy of the various beauty products and enhancements.

Men are surrounded by beautiful women, meet them, stay for a while then either move on or cheat on them. Makes you wonder huh, how come that man has that gorgeous woman yet dealing with her ugly best friend? How come he left a gorgeous woman like that, how come she can’t keep a man? Aha, that’s because she doesn’t possess a magical vagina.

After the initial thrill of her beauty has worn off, the man will be drawn elsewhere to something that he cannot resist — the magical vagina. The woman doesn’t even have to look good either, but when she casts her spell, no man can leave her. “You put a spell on me, and I can’t resist.” As Shakespeare said, “Thou art as you all are, a sorceress; I conjure you to leave me and be gone.”

“Bredrin, how come your woman suh ugly but you stick so close to her all these years?”

“Shh, you’d never know by how she look, but she has a magical vagina.”

But be careful how you speak about the magic in your woman, for inquiring men will want to experience some of that magic too. That guy on the HBO show who boasted that his wife had a magical vagina unfortunately died of a heart attack. Maybe too much magic?

Well, you know what happened afterwards, even before the man was buried his friends were champing at the bit, stomping their hooves, bursting their loins, as they wanted to experience some of his wife’s magic. They couldn’t wait to invite the new widow out.

I again asked my doctor friend what makes a vagina magical, after all, aren’t they all the same anatomically? He explained that physically there is not much difference, but reiterated that it goes beyond the physical. It’s like a football — some players are just better at juggling, passing, kicking, heading, than others, even though it’s the same ball.

“Oh, so it’s a skill then?” It may be a skill, yes, for back in the day in some eastern cultures young girls were trained in the art of pleasuring men. The way how they used their vagina was indeed magical. If you read the Kama Sutra you will certainly appreciate what I’m talking about.

That’s why I used to hear people say, “If some women take away your man, you’ll never get him back.” So whether it is true magic where a spell is cast, ancient runes recited, and potions and elixirs are mixed, or simply the fact that some women are trained to do sexual acrobatics, the results are the same — magical.

It’s one thing that men cannot resist, it’s their weakness, their catnip, their kryptonite. It has brought grown men to their knees, made them leave their wives, their families, lose all their money and even kill for it.

It’s the magical vagina, and it’s real, and it’s spectacular. And what’s the secret. Shh, remember, magicians never tell.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Perhaps you noticed that I laid off the current situation this week. Dwelling too much on it can only lead to more worry and depression. Oh how we long for normalcy again, where we can simply go outside and mingle with friends, dance at a function, eat at a restaurant and attend a sporting activity. We now have a new normal. But we must remain positive, focus on what’s really important in life, discard the unnecessary fluff and hold on to what is most important — our health, family, faith. This too shall pass.