We still have slept together,

Rose at an instant, learn’d, play’d, eat together,

And whereoso’er we went, like Juno’s swans,

Still we went coupled and inseparable.

— Shakespeare, As You Like It, I, 3

Like swans they were inseparable, joined together at the hip as they say, never out of each other’s sight. Swans mate for life, and even though they are reputedly mute, legend says that they do sing right before they die, hence the phrase ‘swan song’, your final activity before you leave this mortal plane.

But this is not about swans or mating for life, in fact it’s not even about mating, but more about partners or close friends who do not mate, people who are close friends but do not indulge in sex.

Members of the opposite sex who are really close, tight, inseparable, but have no carnal knowledge of each other.

“You guys are so tight, aren’t you a couple?”

“Oh no, this is just a platonic relationship.”

Well, platonic means: “Of love and friendship, intimate and affectionate but not sexual.” One definition even went further: “Platonic love in its modern popular sense is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not enter, especially in cases where one might easily assume otherwise. A simple example of platonic relationship is a deep non-sexual friendship between two heterosexual people of the opposite sex.’

But is it really possible, plausible, sustainable, logical, or are there flaws in the very fabric of the concept, chinks in the armour, ulterior motives?

Let’s find out, right after these deep responses to the ‘Magical vagina’.

Hi Tony,

You hit the nail on the head when you revealed the secret of women with magical vaginas as alluded to by your gynaecological friend. It is a shame that not enough women know the secret and even less, care to learn the art of lovemaking. The Kama Sutra in ancient India developed the art so that women could learn and practice the art of pleasing their husbands. The word Kama signifies desire, wish, passion, emotions, pleasure of the senses, the enjoyment of life, affection or love, with or without sexual connotations. It takes the whole body and vivid imagination to make a magical vagina.

Deepak

Hey Tony Robinson,

You certainly dare to go where other people fear to tread. Well, so do I, for I have always considered my vagina as being magical. I am 30 years old and have never worked a day in my life. I discovered from my teens that men were drawn to me and that I could get them to do anything for me and support me simply because I pleasured them. Other women do that too, but men were attracted to me and kept on coming back for more. It was then that I discovered that I had what you call a magical vagina. I never gave it a name, but it works for me.

Lolita

A colleague of mine told me that he has a young lady friend who is very close to him and is always in his company. This came up when I asked him how he was coping with the curfews and lockdowns. “She buys me groceries from time to time and doesn’t even ask for reimbursement,” he said.

“So she’s your woman then?” I deduced.

It was then that he told me the story of how she does almost everything for him and he in turn for her, even spending many hours at his house curled up on his sofa. Again I pressed, “So, she’s your girlfriend?” But again he refuted my insinuation, saying that they’re just platonic friends and nutten nah gwaan, no sex is involved.

With my analytical mind I had to dig deeper and asked, “So, is she pretty?” Not only is she very attractive, but she’s in her late 20s, and he’s in his early 60s. I conjured up a mental image of this big man having a platonic relationship with a woman half his age, yet no sex is involved.

Should I believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, leprechauns, is this possible? Does it make any sense, or are they both playing games, hiding from the truth, suppressing deep feelings that smoulder under the sexual, sensual, salacious surface? Well, it does seem to be possible, but conditions apply.

Even so, there are pros and cons of being in a platonic relationship. Knowing how Jamaican men are, it does seem a bit odd that a man would always be in the company of a young attractive woman and not want to experience pleasures of the flesh.

One colleague confessed that back in his wild oats days he had been in platonic relationships, but only after he slept with the woman first and got that out of the way. Let’s call that post-sexual retroactive platonic partner. Either that or the woman was not sexually appealing to him. That’s right, it’s easy to have a platonic partner who is not sexually enticing and you have absolutely no desire for her, or she’s simply ugly.

But any how there is any chemistry in one or both partners, the platonic pressure will peel away and prurient pursuit and pleasure will prevail. But what if the platonic partners are romantically involved with someone else, have their own sexual partners? Would your woman or wife tolerate you having a young, attractive lady as your platonic partner? And conversely, would you tolerate your woman having a man as her platonic friend?

“What are you saying to me, that she’s your best friend and you’re not sleeping with her?”

“That man is your friend and him don’t put argument to you, is eediat yu tek big man fah?”

I remember years ago when my bredrin got married and I used to phone his house to chat with him. Well, sometimes his wife would answer the phone and we would chit chat a bit. Big mistake as my bredrin pointed out, “No long chat with my wife, if you call, ask for me.” Lesson learnt, no platonic phone calls with any man’s wife.

The thing is, platonic partners are usually very close as they share secrets, spend time together, telephone and text regularly and do most things that regular couples do, except have sex. So in reality, it’s almost impossible for anyone who’s involved romantically with someone else to have a bona fide platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

Your current partner just wouldn’t understand. So platonic partners can only be single people, but there are rules and guidelines to be followed.

Just an aside, but when I asked people about this platonic partner phenomenon some married men told me that they were involved in a platonic relationship with their wives.

But back to the rules of platonic partnering. First of all, the man can never ever breach the trust that has been developed over the years, even if his feelings have morphed from platonic to prurient. Women have a way of parading around semi-nude before men, unaware of the effect that their bodies have on them.

Primordial urges trip in, and the beast may emerge from the pious platonic person as he wakes from hibernation. After seeing her in that state for months he just can’t hold back any longer, and makes his move, pounces upon her like a caged animal that has just been released.

“Why did you try to kiss me, I thought we were just friends?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”

But the damage has been done, shattering the pillars of the platonic partners, and they can never be rebuilt. The irony is, if the woman breaks the pact of being platonic and makes a sexual advance on the man, nine out of 10 times he’s going to succumb to the sweet seduction.

Afterwards she may say that it was a mistake and that it will never happen again, but things will never be the same. The horse has bolted and never again will he be able to rein in the stallion that strains at his loins as he now sees her in a different light.

Often people who are platonic partners are those who are avoiding romantic commitment, as they perhaps had a disastrous experience in the past. Many women suffer from this, and now seek the safety of a non-committal relationship. She now has a male friend with whom she can share her secrets, her fears, her life, but with no entrapment of a romantic relationship.

Some men are hiding from commitment too, as they were either burnt by a woman in their past, or they’re not ready to settle down. But like I said, just let his ‘platonic friend’ just say feh, and see if he doesn’t rise to the occasion.

Would you tolerate your man, your woman, your daughter having a close platonic partner? And if you’re single, didn’t you even once have sexual thoughts about your platonic partner? Somehow in Jamaica we seem to bend or break the rules, making platonic partners a temporary experience.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Complaints abound regarding poor service in many establishments. This caught my wife recently as she attempted to transact business at Scotiabank Half-Way-Tree. Now, these are not normal times, and because of social distancing, doing banking is a nightmare due to the huge crowds outside. Therefore, she went very early to the drive-in window, and after almost an hour the teller told her that she could only deposit two of five cheques that she had. To make it worse, the girl lodged the two smaller cheques and returned the three larger ones. What a cruel, thoughtless act in these challenging times. My wife called the manager the next day who graciously apologised, saying that it was not the bank’s policy and she would address it. Some lower-tier workers can really damage some businesses.