If music be the food of love, play on,

Give me excess of it, that surfeiting,

The appetite may sicken and so die.

— Shakespeare

How absolutely romantic it is to love and be loved in return by the object of your desire. It was Teddy Prendergast who sang, “It’s so good, lovin’ somebody when somebody loves you back. To be loved and be loved in return, it’s the only thing that my heart desires.” It’s good to love yes, but what’s important is to have that person feeling the same way about you.

If they don’t, than dawg nyam yu supper and you’re as salt as the Dead Sea. Unrequited is the word used when the feeling is not reciprocated, and believe me, it’s more common than you may think.

So much so that many poets, writers of prose, musicians, scribes of all sorts, have all written about unrequited love. “Unrequited love does not die, it’s only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded for some unfortunates. It turns bitter and mean, and those who come after, pay the price, for the hurt done by the one who came before.”

Now, that’s heavy, and whereas I cannot claim authorship for those words, I must admit that they more than smack of a grain of truth. That line about those who came after will now pay the price is ominous, for as we like to say here, he got fried in another man’s oil.

That’s my theme today, ‘Unrequited love’, right after these responses to my take on ‘Ego’.

Hi Tony,

Does one who is self-confident, ambitious and self-driven but modest, possess some ego without being egotistical? How would you describe a person in a job interview confidently selling themselves to the interviewer? Since ego is defined as the views that a person has of himself, if that person exercises his positive traits with confidence, their demeanour and attitude would determine their level of egotism. Obviously, there should be no question regarding this, as I know everything and am always right (-:

Sigmund

Tony,

Ego, ego, ego, let me tell you about ego. I was married to a man who wrote the book on ego. Everything was about him, what he did, how much he achieved and who he made in life. I could not believe that one human being could be so insufferable for so long, as all he did was chat about himself. It was all me, me, me, I, I, I. What I learnt is that so much showing off ego is merely a cover up for low self-esteem. I had to leave him to his delusions of grandeur.

Danielle

The romance novels, movies, plays, operas are filled with tales of love and romance where everyone lives happily ever after as they ride off into the sunset. They’re also filled with tragedy, as so many romances end in destruction. Even arguably the most famous love story of all time, Romeo and Juliet, ended up in double suicide.

Such is the power of love and its effect on people. But one type of love that is also powerful is unrequited love, where one person gives his all, pours out his heart and soul, only to not have the same feeling returned. Crushing, devastating, humiliating.

“Him love har down to the ground she walks on, but she can’t stand a bone in his body.”

Maybe that sort of example is extreme, but there are so many people who may not actually ‘can’t stand’ their partner, but just don’t feel the same intensity of love that the other person feels. It’s perhaps a muted tolerance.

“Victor, I care for you, but not in the romantic way.”

But that’s not what he wants, he craves the romance, the sex, the affection, the sex, the love, the sex. Unrequited love does not provide that, but creates an imbalance in the relationship that’s toxic and impossible to repair.

There are so many stories of men who pour out their hearts as they pore over love notes meant for their intended. Poor guy, she won’t purr in his arms and his life is pure crosses.

“Darling, I love you more than any man has ever loved a woman, my heart aches for you, my loins strain, my life is meaningless without you.”

That guy really loves that woman, but sadly she cannot return the feeling, as unrequited love rears its ugly head. No matter how hard he tries, she just can’t feel the same way.

“I care for you, but not in that way. Can’t we just be friends?”

Some men give up, while others are relentless in their quest to gain the lady’s love and affection. It was Shakespeare who said, “Affection is a coal that must be cool’d, else suffer’d it will set the heart on fire.”

Unrequited love is akin to being spurned, and you know what they say, “Hell hath no fury like a woman spurned.” That applies to men too, for men who are spurned don’t usually take it very well. “Is diss yu a diss me now, after I did so much for you?”

But being spurned is one thing, as that’s pretty straightforward. What’s more subtle, insidious, insufferable, is unrequited love, as the person is actually involved in the relationship, immersed in the romance, but just doesn’t feel the same way.

That must be painful. Even now I remember back in my high school days, I met a young lady on the bus and we got to talking. It was a weekend, so I wasn’t in school uniform and I was a tall, strapping athletic lad, six feet four inches, 200 pounds, with that KC swagger and confidence, so naturally she was smitten.

After a while I noticed that she stopped taking my phone calls and her feelings seemed to have cooled, even as mine grew. The mystery was solved. She was a young working woman and discovered that I was a mere schoolboy in fifth form. That was the end of that. No romantic tragedy of the centuries, but unrequited love that lingered in my heart for a long time. Well, at least until the next school term.

Some people will be upfront about their lack of feelings for their partner, while others will keep it under wraps, cloak it in secrecy, as they try to live an illusory existence. But it really can’t be hidden, for it manifests itself in other areas of the relationship.

When the woman gives her all, does everything for the man, caters to his every need, lavishes him with love and affection, truly loves him, but he’s cold to the touch, unreceptive, uninspired, uninterested, that’s unrequited love.

Conversely, when the man loves the woman immensely, showers her with all his feelings, desires her more than how horny men desire go-go dancers, but she’s as apathetic and ambivalent as a eunuch in a brothel, that’s unrequited love.

“They say that she will rather die than give any sign of affection. I will be horribly in love with her.” That’s from Much Ado About Nothing. Maybe that’s why many men do not express their true feeling towards women, for fear that it’s not reciprocated.

Even though the word ‘die’ in that quote was not meant to be taken literally, sadly some people apply it in a different context and don’t deal with the situation very well and ‘die’ becomes a sad reality. That saying, ‘Til death us do part’ is their mantra, and that wedding vow is their death warrant.

Sometimes unrequited love occurs from the onset of the relationship, as she knew from the start that she didn’t really love him but perhaps hoped that her feelings would grow over time. In other instances it manifests itself over time, as one party simply stops loving the other partner as they used to. If you can fall in love, you can fall out of love too.

“I just don’t feel the same way about him as I used to.”

They started out with equal love, but morphed into unrequited love as the honey dripped out of the vessel, until it’s empty. Very often this leads to the aggrieved partner seeking love, affection, sex, elsewhere, for nature abhors a vacuum. For women, it’s love and affection that they crave, for men, it’s sex.

Give a woman enough attention and affection and she’s okay, give a man enough sex and nothing else in life will bother him. Can unrequited love be repaired? Hardly likely, for once that flame has been snuffed, those sparks extinguished, those embers cooled, they can never be rekindled.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: COVID-19 has affected people not only physically, but mentally. I have friends who are literally freaking out over the situation as they cannot stand to hear the grim statistics on the news every day. Others have become Corona weary as they grow tired of the lockdown measures, masks and restrictions. People who are alone feel it the most as they feel isolated and vulnerable. One good friend of mine whose family is away has taken up cooking as a hobby. I suggest that other people follow suit. Get busy, find things to do, set up a daily schedule and stick to it, read more, watch movies, start a new venture. Your mind and brain need as much exercise as your body. Please follow the guidelines and wear your masks.