My father’s wit, and my mother’s tongue,

Assist me! Time’s the king of men;

He’s both their parent and he is their grave,

And gives them what he will, not what they crave.

The voice of parents is the voice of gods,

For to their children they are heaven’s lieutenants.

— Shakespeare

A wise parent gives to his children what he will, not what they crave. Sadly, the opposite is often true nowadays as parents of today are so vastly different from the parents of yesteryear. Now they indulge every whim of their children, resulting in spoiled, broken, ruined souls.

My very good friend, karate training partner and gifted paediatrician Dr John Royes has written a book titled Paediatrics for Parents which takes a humorous perspective on parents and their young children when it comes to their health issues. It made great reading but would have been perfect if he hadn’t attended Wolmer’s Boys’ School, as opposed to KC, as the Kingston College finesse didn’t rub off on him.

Nevertheless, that book gave me great cause to examine the role of parents in our society and how they deal with their children. True, it has been said that so a twig is bent, the tree shall grow, in reference to how children are moulded, groomed and directed by their parents.

Bring them up badly and they’ll turn out badly; bring them up with abuse and they’ll grow up to be angry, bitter, resentful abusers; bring them up with love and they’ll turn out to be gentle, loving souls.

Well at least that’s the hope and theory, but all does not always go to plan or follow the script for sometimes, despite the best will and intentions of parents, de pickney still turn out to be a demon. Conversely, very often, even when the parents are deficient in their parental duties, de pickney dem turn out to be model human beings.

Parenting pickney, that’s where we’ll go today, right after these responses to ‘Promiscuity’.

Hi Tony,

It appears that there are many degrees of promiscuity. Webster’s dictionary defines promiscuity as not restricted to one sexual partner. Does that mean that a married man who has one and only one mistress is considered to be promiscuous as well as the woman who beds a man or two every night and day of the week? It seems so, according to Webster’s. If one is painted with the promiscuity brush, one may as well take full advantage of the guilt. After all, they can only hang you once, no matter how many you kill.

Wickham

Tony,

Somehow men are the ones who seem to get away with promiscuity more than women. A man takes pride in hopping from bed to bed, but a woman is considered loose if she does the same thing. I remember back in high school when some girls had their reputation ruined because it was thought that they slept around — real or imagined. I suffered from this horrible gossip mongering and it still haunts me. Promiscuity is a man’s domain.

Sheila

Almost anyone can bring children into the world, but not everyone can be a good parent. There ought to be a handbook for parents. Well, there almost is in the form of the book that I mentioned earlier that offers a humorous but instructive guide for parents who have young children, and how to deal with everyday health issues. His advice to parents, “You only have a few years with them so buckle up, strap down and enjoy the ride.”

I’ll take it further though and examine what happens to people when they become parents and how they treat their children. It’s not an easy road, neither is it cut and dry. Somehow though, I think that the parents of olden times did a better job than the ones nowadays.

Mind you, there are exceptions, as I was pleasantly reminded by a video of a mother and her son interacting on the phone. Apparently the boy had gone for a joyride with his friends even though he was supposed to be in a study group.

Well, the car was stopped by the cops and they all ended up in jail to spend the night. When he called his mother to explain the situation, she gave him one of two choices, either spend the night in jail, or come home for an ass whupping. He chose the night in jail, for he knew that his mother don’t play.

Now, some people might say that the mother was harsh and cruel, but as far as I’m concerned she did the right thing. It’s called tough love nowadays, but it’s just parental love — love from a mother to her child as she showed him that there are consequences for every action taken.

Therein lies the problem, as many parents nowadays do not let their children know that for every action there is an opposite reaction, and it’s not necessarily equal. Sometimes the consequences can be dire, but many parents shield their children from them and even defend their wrongdoings.

Those of you old enough may remember the story of the man who was about to be hanged after a life of murder and mayhem. As he was taken to yon gallows he beckoned for his weeping mother to come close. As she bent down to kiss him he bit her on her ear and said, “If you had brought me up in the proper way, I wouldn’t be here now.”

An abject lesson in bad parenting and the consequences suffered. So the twig is bent it shall grow, all gnarled, twisted out of shape and ends up in self-destruction. But why are parents of today different from those of yesteryear? I remember how my parents were, God bless their souls, and that wasn’t that long ago either for I’m no Methuselah.

They weren’t overly strict as some parents of the time were, who had total and absolute dominance over their children. That, too, is bad parenting. We had our freedom, but there were rules to abide by and manners and respect were paramount. We had to say, ‘Yes sir’, ‘Yes ma’am’, ‘Thank you’, ‘Please may I’, plus we had chores to do around the house. We were not leggo beasts.

I remember while growing up in Harbour View I had to mow the lawn with a manual push mower, plus wash my father’s car on the weekends. I also had to polish his shoes and wash any dishes that I used. I personally know some parents nowadays, specifically mothers, who are totally against their children doing any such thing.

“Say what, no child of mine is doing anything like that, after he’s no yard bwoy.”

Well, I will tell you that doing those chores built a sense of responsibility in me that has endured to this day. Heck, my mom would even send me to the grocery shop with a shopping list and I had to bring back the correct change too. Responsibility is taught, responsibility is learned.

I have no regrets, even as I observe parents today pamper, preen, pet and primp their pickney so much that the children grow up with a sense of entitlement, always wanting from their parents but never giving back anything.

“When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry,” said Shakespeare.

Children today hardly seem to give back to their parents, and in fact, many are ungrateful for what their parents did for them. Perhaps this is a result of the parents giving too much and the children simply taking it all for granted.

Back to my childhood though, as I remember when I wanted my first bicycle. Well, I had to save out of my lunch money, buy the parts piece by piece, the rims, tyres, frame, saddle, handlebar, pedals, chain and other stuff and build that cycle from scratch. When my father saw my efforts he took the finished product to a ‘duco-man’ and had it beautifully spray painted for me.

Oh, how I cherished that bicycle and cherished even more the lesson that I had learnt! What is true, though, is that the influence of fathers in the parent pool may not be as strong now as it was back then, even though the sociologists say otherwise. But even when fathers are present that strong leadership role is often absent, even though he is right there in the house. He’s there but not really there, if you know what I mean.

Parenting definitely has changed and with it the pickney dem who often reflect the type of parenting that they experienced. Maybe it’s more different being a parent nowadays, as society has laid down so many strictures that the parent’s hands are tied. In some jurisdictions parents can’t even discipline their children without repercussions, so they have to adopt a hands-off attitude.

Anyway, that being said, “Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are watching you,” said Robert Fulghum. Children do live what they learn, and they learn from parents — even by observation.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Some media campaigns are catchy and resonate with the public. I remember the HIV/AIDS awareness campaign by the Ministry of Health years ago, of which I’m proud to have been associated. Remember ‘Living, with HIV’ and ‘Pinch, Leave an Inch and Roll’? Well, the Bank of Jamaica has an inflation awareness campaign that is catchy, innovative, colourful, entertaining and educational, as it uses popular movers and shakers plus entertainment icons. It has even caught the attention of foreign jurisdictions which have expressed a wish that they had a campaign like that. Congratulations to the conceptualisers and producers of that campaign.