Better a little chiding,

Than a great deal of heartbreak.

— Shakespeare

The role of parents is of utmost importance, and yet, so many seem to fall short as they bring up their children in the most bizarre, if not misguided way. Sure, there are some who abide by the old adage of ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’, and, of course, there are others who believe in the modern concept of extreme free will for the children.

Many fall short in the upbringing of their offspring and as a result, it’s the child who ultimately suffers or makes others suffer even as some parents pay the price. That’s right, in the misguided manner of mismanaging children, everyone suffers and nobody wins, not the children, not the parents and definitely not society.

Someone once said, “There are no bad children, only bad parents.” Hey, guess what? that someone was me, but in truth, I borrowed it from the TV show, The Dog Whisperer who said, “There are no bad dogs, only bad owners.” Dogs or children, they both have to be guided and trained, and if that’s not done properly, then don’t blame the student, blame the teacher.

I do think that it applies, even though there are some children and dogs who just born bad, and as the old saying goes, “Dem bad nuh yaws.”

That’s what we’ll explore today, ‘Bad parents’, right after these good responses to my take on ‘Checkable’.

Hi Tony,

If my aged memory serves me correctly, should a woman be deemed checkable to a man, the next step for that man was to ‘check her out’. Now, this could mean introducing himself to her, getting to know her, courting her and being intimate with her to confirm her doability (another made up word?) The most important thing, however, is that the women in long marriages and relationships remain checkable and doable.

Fernando

Teerob,

You are so right, if not a tad sexist. It’s of utmost importance that a woman is still checkable, even if it’s only in her mind. In reality though, it’s a plus for her if she’s still in that state of checkability, as you put it. No woman wants to put on her clothes, do her hair, apply her make-up and go outside only to have no one admire how she looks. Even a grandma likes it when she’s told that she looks good. It’s just human nature and even more so female nature to want to be still checkable.

Claudine

The challenging thing about being a parent is that it does not come with a manual or handbook. Instead, parents simply have to play it by ear, wing it, and try to figure it out as they go along. More than often they call upon what they learned from their parents. Well, that’s what used to happen in the past.

In fact, there’s an old saying that goes, “The best payback for a bad child is for them to become parents.” Yes, parenting karma is real, and only then will children know what parents went through while bringing them up.

But there’s also a twist to that, for many new parents do the exact opposite of what their parents taught them in order to ‘give their children an easier life.’

Many nowadays parents had a difficult time growing up. Their parents were perhaps not financially well off, plus they were very strict, often depriving them of basic childhood pleasures and freedoms, plus the rod that was never spared.

As a result, when those children become parents themselves, they try to over compensate and give their kids free rein to do whatever they want to do, with no restrictions.

“I give my children whatever they want, they are not going to suffer as I did.”

As for reprimanding them, that will never happen. As a result, those children grow up with a warped sense of reality, compounded by a sense of entitlement, as they feel privileged and that the world owes them.

There are parents who do not allow their children to do any household chores whatsoever, because that was their reality while growing up. That child grows up with no sense of responsibility.

I remember as a child, I had to wash my dad’s car, shine his shoes, mow the lawn using a manual push mower, trim the shrubs, take out the garbage, wash whatever dishes that I used, go to the meat shop with a shopping list from my mother. It was natural. Not so nowadays, as many mothers eschew that thought, and are vehemently opposed to their children doing any such activities.

“No child of mine is doing anything like that.”

As a result, we have a generation of children who have no sense of responsibility and still rely heavily on their parents for everything. They don’t even know how to hold a broom properly.

Talk to those parents about this and you’ll get a plethora of excuses.

“Oh, he has school work to do.”

“She’s studying and tired.”

“Why should my children have to do any of that menial stuff?”

‘Time, the king of men, he’s both the parent and he is their grave, and gives them what he will, not what they crave.’ — Shakespeare.

If more parents lived by that adage, there wouldn’t be so many misguided, maladjusted minions marauding mindlessly who never attain any semblance of independence, as mommy and daddy will always bail them out. Do you ever wonder why so many children, way up in their 30s and even 40s, still live with their parents?

Again, if you speak with the parents, especially the mothers, you’ll get a bag of excuses.

“He can’t find a job that suits his skills.”

“Every place she works they don’t like her.”

“He’s waiting for the right opportunity to come his way.”

As sure as night follows day, those children will not do well in relationships, for their upbringing was so skewed and misguided that they do not know how to get along with a partner. Nobody cyaan live wid dem.

Compound this with the fact that the girls have no household skills.

“How yu mean yu can’t cook, yu can’t wash, yu don’t know how to iron a shirt and can’t even string a needle?”

Now, no one is saying that a woman should be required to do those things, but it’s good to know that she can if she wants to.

I do not know of any man who doesn’t love to have his woman prepare a sumptuous meal, even once in a while. So-so fast food every day will not do.

The same applies to men too, who grew up so dependent on their mothers that they are totally inept if and when they go out into the real world. They still cling to their mother’s apron and ultimately expect their woman to offer the same services to them.

“Listen, you don’t need me as a wife, you need a mother to take care of you and be at your beck and call all the time to bail you out.”

That being said, no one sets out to be a bad parent, so maybe I should mollify my tone and say misguided parenting instead. It was Oscar Wilde who said, “Children begin by loving their parents, as they grow older, they judge them, sometimes they forgive them.”

But it was Louise Hart who said, “The golden rule of parenting is, do unto your children as you wish your parents had done unto you.”

What is true is that, because of misguided parenting we now have a generation of weak young men who are still attached by an invisible umbilical cord, and some selfish and needy young women who think that men owe them the world.

Because of this misguided parenting, some children turn out to be a danger to society. Here’s an excerpt of a letter written by a death,row inmate to his mother.

“Mother, if there were more justice in this world, we would both be executed and not just me. You’re as guilty as I am for the life I led. Remind yourself when I stole and brought home the bicycle of a boy like me. You helped me to hide the bicycle, for my father did not see it. Do you remember the time I stole money from the neighbour’s wallet? You went with me to the mall to spend it. Do you remember when I argued with my father and he’s gone? He just wanted to correct me because I stole the final result of the competition and for that I had been expelled. Mom, I was just a child. Shortly after I became a troubled teenager and now I’m a criminal man. Mom, I was just a child in need of correction and not approval. But I forgive you. Thank you, mother, for giving me life and also making me lose it.”

There’s also the old story of the man about to be executed who bit off his mother’s ear as he chided her for not being strict with him and allowing him to have his own way.

Bad parenting can have devastating results.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: It’s said that not only must justice be done, it must also appear to be done. Many people in Jamaica are of the view that justice is not being done, or appears to be done, hence the thirst for mob justice. It’s wrong, but understandable. That young man who allegedly killed four young children and their mother in the most barbaric way is said to have confessed to the crime in a caution statement to the police. What is taking centre stage though, is the accusations that police beat him while in custody plus a leaked video of his questioning. Who cares? The man confessed. It’s perceived that INDECOM and Jamaicans For Justice have misguided priorities.