No, sure my lord,

My mother cried,

But then there was a star danc’d

And under that was I born.

— Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing

Much ado about nothing indeed. It’s always a good and joyous occasion when a baby is born, as it heralds the birth of a human being who is destined to do great things. Well, at least that’s the conventional thought, for sometimes that pregnancy was unwanted, as a broken condom is no way to celebrate a conception.

Nevertheless, in most cases that pregnancy is welcomed, and everyone anticipates and hopes that the child turns out to be ‘somebody’, whether he or she be a doctor, lawyer, teacher, politician. No one expects him to turn out to be a notorious gunman, but it does happen.

It’s almost like a lotto draw, for we cannot accurately predict what that little bundle of joy is going to turn out to be. Remember that song by Doris Day?

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, what will I be,

Will I be pretty, will I be rich, here’s what she said to me.

Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future’s not ours to see,

Que sera sera, what will be will be.

Parents can only hope that their baby turns out to be someone positive and not a little demon who unleashes terror on society and brings not only shame to the family, but leaves a trail of death and destruction in his turbulent violent life.

This may lead some people to say, “I wish that he never had been born.” It’s often said that people such as those miscreants are as a result of a broken home, and I have explored the aspect of bad parenting before, where domestic violence is a contributory factor to a child’s development.

But what about the one parent family where only the mother or father has to care for that child, what do they go through, and what impact does it have on the development of the child?

We’ll see how, right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘A question of rape’.

Hi Tony,

There have been many cases where women have been accused and charged with raping males. One case of spousal rape was where the wife overpowered her much smaller husband and performed a sex act without his consent. There were also cases of female teachers taking high school boys to their home and repeatedly having sex with them over many months. It was the mothers of the boys who cried rape. I wish I had teachers like those when I was in high school.

Fred

Hey Teerob,

You touched on a very delicate and controversial subject, and I must say, you handled it very well-balanced. Rape is not a cut and dry subject, but one that has many facets, twists, turns and confusion. As you pointed out, it’s often a case of her word against his and the courts decide the outcome. But there are also incidents of women telling lies to get back at men for spurning them, for revenge, spite or monetary gain. Sometimes it’s really rape, and the man is guilty as hell, but that’s why it’s so questionable.

Eleanor

Being a parent can be one of the most challenging jobs that people can experience. And I say job because it’s really hard work, often with no visible rewards in the end. In fact, sometimes the parents end up paying dearly for the transgressions of the children and how they turned out.

“What a bitter disappointment he turned out to be, so ungrateful, so shameful, so worthless.”

Sometimes the rewards are just, as the child brings great joy and pride to all.

“She turned out really well, passed all of her subjects and now entering university.”

It does help when there are both parents involved to make up the family unit and contribute to the development of the child, for that balance is essential. Fathers can’t be mothers, and mothers can’t be fathers, although sadly, there are some mothers who want to be fathers too, even though the man is right there in the household.

“Only I know what’s good for him, only me and me alone.”

There are situations though, when the mother has to go it alone and raise that child or children all by herself, and that constitutes the one parent family. We hear it all the time, so much so that it’s become cliché:

“I’m a single mother and I’m having a hard time raising three children.”

Many times these children range in age from three months to three years to six years. So what could have happened for the man to have left her alone to raise those children all by herself?

Maybe it was three different men, making you wonder why she got pregnant so many times in quick succession, ending up with a child every two years. Maybe it was only one man who simply couldn’t deal with the challenging demands of family life anymore and simply cut and run. Maybe she was miserable, maybe he was just plain worthless. Who knows.

Whatever the reasons, the mother is the one left with the fractured family, she is the proverbial single mother, and it’s not an easy road.

First of all, she doesn’t have the emotional support of a man in her life to ease the burden of a demanding child. I was blessed to have two incredible parents who gave us balance. Many times when my harried mother got frustrated with us rambunctious boys, she would simply say, “Just wait until your father comes home and hear what you did.”

A one-parent family does not have that privilege, as only one parent is around to deal with the vagaries of a bawling baby to terrible tantrums or a tumultuous teenager, all alone.

After a while those kids realise that the mother alone is all bark and no bite, so they do as they please, sometimes to the detriment of society. As we say, “Dem feel dem strength.”

Then there’s the aspect of financial support, or the lack of it. Children are like a hole in the ground into which you throw money. They have gaping maws that have to be fed, yawning crevasses that can never be filled, gobbling up everything with their insatiable appetites. At least it seems that way.

Children are never satisfied, and it takes money to support their needs, it takes cash to care. And I don’t mean spending on fripperies or frivolities either, but basic necessities such as food, clothes, shoes, school fees, bus fare and such.

That single mother has to provide for them all by herself, and at no point can she say, “Go and ask your father,” for she’s alone in the family. One bitter irony is that sometimes those same fathers totally neglect the children until they turn out well. Suddenly he remembers and re-emerges in their lives, boasting, “Is my son dat, turn big time doctor.”

He never contributed one single dollar to the child’s upbringing, but now has the temerity, the audacity, the effrontery to assume parental and father roles. But guess what, it’s not only women who constitute one parent families, but men too, and there are far more than you would imagine.

There are many men right here in Jamaica who have legal custody of their children and are raising them all by themselves. Those who I know are doing an excellent job too. In some situations the woman simply walked out, leaving everyone behind. Many times it’s because she found another man who wanted no burden of a woman with children.

In other cases the woman left much to be desired — lazy, no ambition, slovenly, dishonest, thieving, lacking in maternal instincts — forcing the man to kick her out and seek sole custody of the children.

“They are better off without her as she was a terrible influence on them.”

It’s difficult enough for a father to raise a son by himself, but it’s an even more monumental task to raise a daughter or two. I know of men who have done this, and I lift my hat to them, for they are giants as they operate the one parent family.

It’s no easy task, but perhaps a tad easier for woman, because women are intrinsically nurturers, care givers, bestowed with so many maternal attributes.

Even so, it can’t be an easy road, and must be extremely difficult to raise children with no support.

To all one parent families, you have my utmost respect.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Our high schools seem to be under the microscope a lot recently. Teachers are leaving in droves, children are involved in violent altercations and parents are interfering with teachers and even threatening them. This is not a positive environment for young minds to learn. Despite this, many succeed and are doing exceptionally well. The rule that girls wear their uniform skirts all the way down to their ankles is ridiculous though. That will not stop harassment from males. A woman in a long gown is very attractive and appealing. Old women are harassed, toddlers are targeted, ugly women are harassed, police women are harassed, nuns are harassed. The skirt length is not the problem, the predators are.