And all things change them to the contrary

That even our loves should with our fortunes change

For ’Tis a question left us to prove,

Whither love lead fortune

Or else fortune love.

— Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Let’s face it, everything changes, nothing remains the same, and so it should be. The caterpillar morphs into a chrysalis and then a beautiful butterfly. The seasons change from cool to hot to cold, depending on where in the world you live.

A baby changes from a helpless mewling, bawling being to a vibrant, strong adult after passing through various changes of childhood, and puberty. So all change isn’t necessarily a bad thing, for something better emerges with each transition.

Who would have thought that a hideous crawling caterpillar could eventually change into a beautiful butterfly? And yet it does. So we should not fear or resist change, for many times change is for the better. Even love changes as Shakespeare alluded to in the quote above.

But what happens if something changes you, instead of you changing on your own volition? Circumstances can change people, it’s been said, but is that really true?

They say that if you dance with the devil he or she won’t change, but you certainly will. As you can see, I’m being gender equal opportunity here. Speaking of genders, what happens when the genders merge into marriage, is there change?

Well, it’s always been said that marriage changes people, but is that really true, or is it that after marriage the real and true personality emerges, just like the butterfly from the caterpillar, but this time in reverse, starting out pretty but ending up ugly?!

We’ll find out if marriage really changes you, right after we see what these folks had to say about whether ‘Unrequited Love Hurts’.

Hi Tony,

I don’t think that it is better to have given love and not gotten it back, or never to have loved at all. If I had to choose, I would say that it is better to be loved and not love at all. To paraphrase Tennyson, “Tis better to have been loved and lost, than never to have been loved at all.”

Carmen

Hey Tony,

No matter how you cut it, dice it, slice it, if you love deeply and that love is not returned, it can be devastating. That pain is almost unbearable, and that’s why it drives men to violence and women to madness. Few things can compare to that hurt, as it destroys not only the ego, but the self-esteem and emotions as well. I have felt that pain, and that’s why I’ll never venture down that road again. Now I just hit it and quit it.

Victor

The French have a saying, ‘The more things change, the more they remain the same.’ Is that really true though, especially in affairs of the heart? Well, the French are purported to be lovers, so there must be some truth in it. Plus, there’s also a saying that 10,000 Frenchmen can’t be wrong. Have merci.

Well, when it comes to marriage, many people have said that their spouses change after the nuptials were completed, the vows recited and the marriage consummated.

Some women even say, “Well, I got the ring now, so I can drop the façade and be my real self.” While some men cry, “Wow, that ring on my finger should really be through my nose like a farm bull.” We all know that despite how powerful a bull may be, that little ring placed through his nose allows him to be led around as docile as a lamb.

For some reason, marriage seems to be the end all and be all for women, it’s their goal in life, the ultimate prize, their raison d’etre. French again. Now, I’m not picking on women, but if you really think it through, marriage is more sought after by women than by men. It’s a woman’s dream, her goal, her pot at the end of the rainbow.

A man will go along with her wishes and get married, but most men aren’t as driven as women are. I’m not saying that men don’t want to get married, but if you take a poll you’ll see that a man won’t go to pieces if he doesn’t get married, but a woman will be stressed if she doesn’t.

She’ll do everything to get that man to marry her, then after marriage, the change occurs. Men, too, put on their best face to win the woman and marry her, then he will seem to change. As we say here, “See me and come live with me is two different thing.”

No man slaps a woman before they get married, and no woman withholds sex before they get married either. Remember those little things that she used to do before they got married? Things like surprising him with a nice breakfast, stroking his head while they sat watching TV, asking him what kind of day he had?

All those things she used to do before they got married, but now that’s gone down the drain. Has she changed or did marriage change her? Most men who I spoke to told me almost the same story:

“Before we were married she couldn’t get enough of me, I felt desired.”

“Man, she wudda kill me wid it, but now, all two months, nutten.”

No wonder some people say, “Wedding cake is the best antidote for sex.” Here are some more. “Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don’t; men hope women won’t change, but they do.” — Bettina Arndt.

“People often suggest that things change after marriage. While I don’t completely agree with them, in my opinion the reason is simple. Before marriage, people follow their hearts, while they give more preference to their brains after getting married.” — Aniket Dwivedi.

“Marriage changes everything.”

So as you can see, it’s not me saying so, but many people, male and female, who have experienced these changes and chose to write about them. But let’s be brutally honest, men change too, and not necessarily for the better either. Before the marriage, or even early into it, he’d be most attentive and romantic. He’d cater to her every whim and fancy, do her bidding even when she didn’t bid.

He’d be the perfect gentleman. And then everything changed. Where did the romance go, where did the chivalrous gentleman go, where did all those gentle caresses and sweet nothings go?

The answer is simple… he got married, he got used to her. There’s this old song sang by Nat King Cole.

‘I’ve grown accustomed to her face,

She almost makes the day begin

I’ve grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and noon,

Her smile, her frowns, her ups and downs

Are second nature to me now,

I’ve grown accustomed to her look,

Accustomed to her voice

Accustomed to her face.’

That song was really a tribute by a man to his woman, and not a negative indictment. But sadly, in many instances, marriage makes people get accustomed to each other in a most negative way.

“I just can’t stand seeing you doing the same thing every day.”

“I keep on hearing the same story over and over and over, ah tiad fi hear them.”

“I left for reasons of ill health, I got sick of him.”

Sometimes married couples don’t realise how much they’ve changed and can’t stand each other until they’ve been alone together for a long time. Alone together, sort of an oxymoron eh?

Sometimes there’s a buffer, a levee that masks the changes that they’ve gone through, like children who provided a distraction. Now that the children have grown and left, so many couples realise that they’re now alone together for the first time in many years. Empty nest syndrome.

“Now that the kids have gone and we’re alone, I realise that I can’t stand a bone in his body.”

“I really don’t have any desire for her anymore, we don’t even talk.”

The changes took place over a period of time, but the children were the buffer that masked those changes. But now that there’s no protective barrier, the changes are exposed.

That being said, there are people who change after marriage but still manage to maintain a positive relationship. It helps if they were friends, and not just husband and wife, for friendship can outlast love, infatuation, passion. Without true friendship, those changes will rattle that marriage cage like a bull in a china shop, and not even the ring in that bull’s nose will help either.

‘Everything must change

Nothing stays the same

Everyone must change

Nothing stays the same

The young become the old

Mysteries do unfold

’Cause that’s the way of time

Nothing and no one goes unchanged

Winter turns to spring

Wounded heart will heal

Never much too soon

Everything must change.’

A song there by George Benson. It was Elizabeth Hawes who said, “After marriage, all things change, and one of them better be you.”

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: There was some startling news recently about the large number of children who have committed serious crimes over the past few years, ranging from robbery to murder. It may be startling to some, but not to those who saw the trend fermenting over the years. I have addressed this in the past, and even said that they are children by age only, but mature violence producers at heart. Punitive measures have been taken away, children cannot be punished anymore, you can’t ‘trample on their rights’, teachers are under siege. Well, we are now paying the price, children are extremely violent in schools with even girls killing other girls. This didn’t happen overnight.