Dear Counsellor,

I put my hands on my husband the other day and I know it was wrong, and I apologised, but his response worried me. We had an argument about a woman who is always taking his taxi and I suspect that something is going on between them. He didn’t even deny it when I asked, he just laughed, and I got upset and hit him several times. He didn’t hit back or even defend himself, instead he left and said he was going to the station to report me. I’m not sure if he actually did because I haven’t heard from the police; I’m just surprised he went so far, and isn’t acting manly at all. I know about equal treatment and everything, but I just feel like he is being unfair and a wuss, and I don’t even know what to think or do at this point.

So, have you really recognised how very wrong you were to hit your husband? Abuse of any kind is a deal-breaker in any relationship. Most people will see cheating, especially when sex is involved, as a deal-breaker. But physical abuse by a husband or by a wife is a serious violation warranting a rethink of that relationship. It’s that serious. Your husband may be in ‘rethink’ mode and that’s perfectly understandable, fair and “manly”. Why’d you think he’s being “unfair”?

The fact that you say, “but” and “his response worried me”, tells me you may yet be excusing yourself for hitting him. It seems you may feel he deserved to be hit because of his response. It also seems that you really feel that you were justified to react the way you did, despite you having apologised. If so, he is right to rethink a relationship with you. It seems you might very well justify hitting him again. You have no excuse and there is no justifying your hitting him.

My advice to you:

Give your husband some space and allow him to decide: At this moment you have forfeited your right to demand anything from him. You apologised but I perceive you are in need of some help with this issue, and others. And you’ve called him a “wuss”! Please give him the space he needs to determine what he wants to do regarding the marriage. I would recommend that he stay away from you for a while.

Prepare for repercussions: I certainly commend your husband for not hitting back. I also commend him for walking away, that’s the textbook way to deal with someone that has hit you. However, it doesn’t mean there won’t be repercussions for you to face. It may be that he will end the marriage. And, if he’s gone to the police, you may need to prepare for that. He certainly would be wise to go to the police to make a report. Your hitting him certainly implies you do not love and respect him; despite you asking him about some other woman.

Get counselling: You need to go into counselling sessions with a capable counsellor. You’ll need to deal with your anger and you’ll need a better understanding of marriage. You will probably need help managing the outcome of this situation as well. Hopefully, you will also learn that manipulation, control, aggression and abuse are not something present in a healthy happy marriage. I gather from what you’ve outlined that you need some help realising this.

Use the opportunity to learn: If you have a challenge with your partner, such as the situation that you’ve mentioned, or something similar you’d consider serious, get the facts first. If you are upset by what the facts reveal, then go confront him in a mature, sensible fashion. Or get a counsellor’s help, or even leave him. Leave, before ever hitting your spouse!

I pray that you learn and that you both individually heal.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.