ARE we asking too much of our children? Are we demanding perfection rather than excellence? I have seen many students struggle with the desire to be perfect.

Perfection and excellence are not the same thing. The battle between the pursuit of perfection and the pursuit of excellence is real. Perfection is a narrow, rigid, intolerant expectation while excellence is wider, more fluid, with allowance for mistakes. Perfection refers to the fear of failure, while excellence is the urge for success.

Perfectionistic students focus on the mistakes they have made rather than what they did well which leads to self-criticism. These students have unrealistic expectations which ends in feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. While perfectionist thinking can be intrinsic, parents, teachers, and society may apply undue pressure on children. When we demand perfection, we put our children under extreme stress and pressure that will likely lead to unhealthy emotional development and/or mental health issues later on in life.

Society demands that we wear the perfect clothes, achieve the perfect grades, have the perfect weight, and get into the perfect school. This impossible quest for perfection may lead to eating disorders, anxiety, depression, and even suicide. Perfection is seen as black or white with no grey area. It shatters a child’s self-esteem and self-worth as perfection is unattainable.

Excellence is not only about high grades or superior sportsmanship. Excellence is about being able to accept mistakes and includes persistence, resilience, grit, and commitment. It allows for failure and disappointment and ranks progress over perfection. Excellence seekers do not allow missteps to define them. It is thus important for parents and teachers to steer children away from perfectionism thinking and towards a healthy pursuit of excellence.

Characteristics of perfectionists

•Anxiety associated with performance

•Procrastinating and avoiding tasks deemed difficult which they may fail at

•Highly sensitive to external criticism, but at the same time very critical of themselves

•Emotionally guarded and socially inhibited

•Immediately after a test or exam, feeling that they have failed when in reality they have done very well

•Experiencing migraine headaches

•Low self-esteem

So how can we help our children move from the highly critical thought process of perfectionist thinking to one of excellence seeking? Here are some tips below:

1) Keep a check on your own expectations and be sure not to transfer your own aspirations to your child. Remember that children are perceptive and so even if you have not said that you are disappointed in a grade, they will sense your true feelings.

2) Tell children about your own failures and mistakes. This is powerful and enlightening as children often consider their teachers and parents as being perfect.

3) Focus on effort and not the product. Acknowledge their effort and encourage children to work hard through practice and learning from mistakes.

4) Be sure that your child understands that your love is unconditional and not in any way dependent on achievement.

5) Help your child set reasonable goals. Goals should be SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound)

6) For those that procrastinate, change the goal from perfection to completion. Emphasise the achievement of completing a task.

7) Be a good role model and demonstrate perseverance when you are faced with a challenging task.

8) Help your child learn coping skills through positive self-talk.

9) Give specific praise

10) Prioritise balance between school, work, or sports and breaks. Children must have time to relax, socialise, and/or do absolutely nothing.

Let us strive to raise healthy children with high standards, who aim for excellence and not perfection.

Dr Karla Hylton is the founder and CEO of Your Empowerment Solutions (YES) Institute, offering mathematics and science tutoring as well as a host of workshops for parents, teachers, and students. She is the author of Yes! You Can Help Your Child Achieve Academic Success and Complete Chemistry for Caribbean High Schools. Reach her at (876) 564-1347; e-mail: ceo@yes-institute.com; or visit www.yes-institute.com, or www.khylton.com.