I am a very foolish

Fond old man, fourscore and upward,

Not an hour more or less,

And to deal plainly,

I fear I am not in my perfect mind.

— Shakespeare, King Lear

I fear I am not in my perfect mind. That last line really resonates and is perhaps indicative of what comes with growing old, whether you’re a man or woman. So many things have been said about old men, many of them not very flattering, some quite disparaging.

“Once a man, twice a child,”

“There’s nothing like an old fool.”

“Lord, lord, how subject we old men are to this vice of lying.”

“Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man,” said Leon Trotsky.

Rarely though, if ever, have I seen any that says that old men are miserable. And yet they are, according to some young ladies who are married to much older men.

This is a subject that I have dealt with in the past — the phenomenon, if not aberration, of older men and younger women. Did I say aberration? That may be a bit harsh, but it does appear to be unnatural sometimes, and leads itself to many challenges.

Be honest now, when you see a much older man married to a woman barely in her 20s, what do you think? What I learnt is that many of these older men who are involved with much younger women are actually miserable, not in the sense of being miserable as in uncomfortable, but “mizarable” in the Jamaican vernacular — cranky, grumpy, fussy, cross, cantankerous all the time — in the way a granny is referred to.

“Lord, what a mizarable granny, always fussing and griping.”

Well that revelation was new to me. I will return to ‘Mizarable old men’ right after these retorts to my views regarding ‘Are women unhappy?’

Hi Tony,

What about all those men falling in love with women? Those women must be happy and not miserable, or why would men marry them? We know that Jamaican men are easy-going, laid back, jovial, and when compared to women, the women might seem unhappy. Could it be that women are more mature and serious about this in general and may only appear to be unhappy? It’s hard to believe that all or most women are unhappy and miserable, but you have provided irrefutable evidence. Now that makes me sad.

Lorna

Hey Tony,

You could have called and asked me for a direct answer instead of doing all this footwork. No, we are not happy, and it is because of all a oonu man! There, you have it.

Claudine

I had no idea when I wrote about women being unlovable and miserable that it would illicit so many responses from women. Neither did I know that older men were mizarable, in the Jamaican parlance.

Who could have dreamt that an older man could be compared to a granny, a miserable old woman who is always griping and finding fault with everything.

Imagine a woman looking at a man and saying, “Yu miserable just like yu granny.” That must be the lowest of insults that a man could receive. Apparently, though, men only become mizarable when they are involved with much younger women, which is a slight irony. After all, you’d think that a much older man who manages to squire a much younger woman would be happy, a happiness tinged with gratitude.

But not at all, as many turned out to be grannies in men’s clothing.

“Him look like a man, talk like a man, but has the miserableness of a granny.”

Yes, just call him grannyman.

You may snicker or even laugh, but the young women who I spoke to about their plight did not find it funny at all, as being involved with a mizarable old man is no fun and games, no bed of roses, and as one said, “hell on Earth”.

At first, when they were younger and she was 25 and he was 55, things were okay, she respected his maturity, wisdom, leadership, and sober outlook on life. The 30-year difference was not an issue.

But dark clouds of misery loomed on the distant horizon as the years rolled by and she touched 35, he was now 65, then when she touched 45, he was now 75, five years above the biblical allotment of three score and 10.

Suddenly his personality changed, perhaps due to his real or perceived insecurities. At 45 she’s still young and vibrant and very attractive to other men. At 75 he starts to feel as if he has a few decades above her years. Just like a footballer, he’s lost a few seconds off his pace and he struggles to sprint down the field after the ball has been passed to him.

Just last week a friend of mine told me that suddenly he felt a little slower, weaker, less vibrant than how he used to feel. He accepted that sensation, but many older men involved with younger women don’t, and feel a deep sense of frustration. With that frustration comes anger, which translates into miserableness.

Try as he may, it has become exceedingly difficult for him to act young or overcome the challenges of trying to maintain that youthfulness that he once had in order to keep up with his much younger wife. So he takes out his frustration on her, she is the object of his anger, his angst, his animus, for if she wasn’t there beside him, people wouldn’t wonder if she’s his daughter instead of his wife.

He seethes, he rages, he boils and fumes and becomes grouchy and mizarable. If she wasn’t there he wouldn’t have to try his utmost best to shave 15 years off his real age. Did I say shave? More like chop off, gouge out, demolish and bulldoze.

If she wasn’t there he wouldn’t have to question his virility.

“I wonder if I still satisfy her, or she want a younger man?”

So, in essence, she is the cause of his misery, in the true sense of the word, and he becomes mizarable in the Jamaican context of the word.

It was Francis Bacon who said, “I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.”

I have seen many much older men with their young wives, and I can safely say that there is a common thread of insecurity and bruised self-esteem that manifests itself.

As soon as they greet you they start on the same theme, how their friends resent and grudge them for their young wives and that they are still fit and strong, and of course, extremely virile and their wives are fully satisfied.

Yet the women say that the men are always angry, surly, nagging, cantankerous, and mizarable.

“He’s always in a bad mood and doesn’t want to take me out anymore, never compliments me on how I look.”

“He always accuses me of looking at younger men.”

“He’s cross with me all the time, so I’m afraid to even ask him the time of day.”

Those are just some of what I heard from young women who were married to much older men. When I say much older, I mean 25 years or more. Heed the old saying, “Be careful what you wish for, as you may certainly get it.”

Those much older men marry these nubile nymphets who are far younger than their daughters, then as the years roll by they become resentful of the youthfulness of their wives and take out this anger on them. What an unfortunate irony.

“Sometimes for weeks he doesn’t speak to me because he’s so cross, angry, and miserable, so I just hold my corner, it’s like I’m walking on thin ice.”

She’s 45 and he’s 75.

He’s resentful and miserable, but it’s not new, for Shakespeare said this in As You Like It, “Though I look old, I am strong and lusty, for in my youth I never did apply hot and rebellious liquors; therefore, my age is as a lusty winter.”

Ha, that’s all some older men want to hear, liquor and lusty, but try as he might, that 30-year age gap is a huge chasm to cross, especially in the winter of a man’s life.

Ironically, the women who I spoke to say that they still love their husbands. What they cannot tolerate is the constant anger, resentment, and miserableness from them.

“It’s driving me away from him and has put a wedge in our relationship.”

Some older men harbour the fear that their much younger wives do not love them anymore because of their advanced age. At times this fear can be justified, for it was Hamlet who said, “You cannot call it love, for at your age the heyday in the blood is gone.” Not many older men would like to hear those words from their young wives.

Ah bwoy, it’s rough, as many of these much older men are mizarable and cranky. But they haven’t got to be like deejay Bounty Killa who jokes that he’s “cross, hangry, and mizarable” all the time.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Hospitality, courtesy, and communication are supposed to be the hallmarks of society. All these were lacking when my wife’s sister and her husband experienced more than a minor glitch when they tried booking a hotel a few weeks ago. We had recommended one of the smaller hotels in Kingston just to support the “small man”, so to speak. But no good deed goes unpunished. After an exhausting marathon aeroplane flight from the UK and arriving late at night, they were told that their reservation had been cancelled. Just like that. Fortunately we booked them into the Four Seasons Hotel, which was magnificent in its care and treatment, and the vacation was wonderful.