A heaven on Earth

I have won

By wooing her.

— Shakespeare

Kindness in women

Not their beauteous looks

Shall win my love.

— Shakespeare

There are two schools of thought regarding how men should treat women. Men are always on the quest to woo women, and wooing, of course, is the archaic term for romancing — you know, taking her out to nice places, buying her things that she likes, being on your best behaviour, being chivalrous.

Some men think that by wooing a woman in the old-fashioned way, treating her well, being a perfect gentleman and all-round good guy she’ll be a heaven on Earth that he has won.

But that second quote above kind of tempers that, for some women do not appreciate being treated well and are downright unkind when it comes to dealing with the men who bestow much on them.

In fact, there are two schools of thought, one says treat the woman well and you will win her heart, but the other says that if you treat a woman too good she’ll walk all over you and take the man for granted.

Treat her well or not, that is the question, and the answers will unfold right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘Rites of passage’.

Hi Tony,

I recall as a young teenager my parents casually leaving a book about sex around the house for me to read by “accident’. I guess my father was not up to the task of having the discussion as a rite of passage. Looking back on this funny situation, the book was not about having sex, but the different types of diseases one could contract from having sex. My young pubescent mind did not get the intended message.

George

Teerob,

You are correct, every young man should go through his rite of passage before he finally settles down with his ultimate woman. He should experience the dating scene, fall in love, have his heart broken, fall in love again, get left, leave others, experience the roller coaster of emotions. The point is, he must be battle-hardened and experienced before he settles down. If he doesn’t do that, the first bad experience in his later years may very well destroy him.

‘Wise Father’

There are some men who cling desperately to the view that if you treat a woman too good she will take them for granted. They are strident and obdurate with those views too, for they profess that their experiences doing that have proven them right.

“When you treat a woman too good they take you for granted, and always expect more from you.”

“Women are never satisfied, and the more that a man does for them is the more that they want.”

“When a man treat a woman too good, she thinks that she has him wrapped around her little finger.”

Those utterances and more I have heard from cynical men who cling to this notion. In fact, some men feel so strongly about this that they even say that a man should never tell a woman that he loves her or put her on a pedestal.

That reminds me of the song by our very own Meditations.

“A woman is like a shadow

A man is like an arrow

So never let a woman know how much you love her

‘Cause there won’t be no peace in your life

‘Cause they will do things to hurt you

And it’s no doubt about it.”

Well, well, well, look at that. I guess those guys may be on to something regarding their belief in not treating women well, for it’s even been immortalised in song. Despite what they say though, I do not share that stance, for I know only one way to treat women, and that’s well. Still, it was Othello who said, “I am a man who loved not wisely, but too well.”

Yes, I am a product of my father who always impressed on me the importance of being nice to the opposite sex.

“A compliment here, a kind word there, is always pleasing to a woman.”

Because of this I wouldn’t know how to treat a woman badly, a characteristic that sometimes backfired in my bachelor days. I shall explain. I have been on casual dates with women who I had no intention of going any further with, but because of my programming, how I was conditioned to treat women well — my chivalrous nature, respect, and good breeding, saying nice things about them — it impressed them so much that they wanted something serious.

“Oh, you’re so different from those other crude men who only have one thing on their minds, you’re such a gentleman.”

So treating them too well can backfire, but that was in my younger days. What those gentlemen were referring to was when they grew older and got involved is serious relationships, even got married, they still stuck to their beliefs.

Yes, some men even insist that they should not treat their wives too well or they’d take them for granted and even lose respect for them, calling them soft. “I gave her everything, did everything for her, and she still keep man with me.”

Wow! Experience can be a cruel teacher, and I’ve heard those stories more often than I can count.

“After all I did for her, this is how she treat me, like a dog.”

What happens when you treat a woman badly though, and how do you do that anyway? Well, I was told that treating them badly doesn’t mean being abusive or violent or anything physical like that, but simply not doing too much, not doing everything that they ask for.

Sprinkle a little indifference in the mix and you have the ingredients of treating badly. Don’t be at their beck and call and respond to every request or whim and fancy like a trained monkey. Sometimes, just say, “No, I’m not doing that.”

Arrive late on purpose for dates, or sometimes just don’t show up at all. That way they won’t take you for granted and expect that you’ll always be there for them. She’ll appreciate your presence even more as the element of uncertainty will always loom large.

When a man is too predictable, always does the right thing, says nice things all the time, is never late or absent, women often become bored with the predictability and certainly take him for granted. At least that’s the theory, and some men strongly believe it too.

Wives have told me that their husbands never take them out and never compliment them, even when they’re dressed to the nines.

“It’s just his way, and I have to live with it.”

For some men, showing any expression of love, affection, or generosity may be considered a form of weakness on their part, so they just behave like Cool Hand Luke. Others are that way because they got burnt in the past.

“Never again will I treat a woman good, they are too ungrateful.”

Ironically, many women want a cowboy type of man, a man who is rough around the edges, not soft or wishy-washy or who caters to her like Benson the butler but rather comes and goes on his horse and doesn’t care if she loves him or not.

Well, women do seem to like rogues, and good guys only win in the movies, it has been said. Gentlemen finish last and are often cheated on. In fact, there is an old French saying that goes, “By all means marry a gentleman, but have affairs with rogues.”

“I think every girl’s dream is to find a bad boy at the right time — when he wants to not be bad anymore.”

“Every girl wants a bad boy who will be good just for her.”

“Good girls love bad boys.”

“The bad boy always has more fun.”

The truth is, men and women come in all forms, and everyone has different experiences. What works for one man may not work for another. There is one universal truth though, if the man keeps on telling the woman how much he loves her and that she’s his world who he can’t live without, his goose is cooked, for she will sense his desperation, see it as weakness, and in the same breath feel her power.

As soon as a woman senses weakness in a man, real or perceived, all respect for him goes out the window. A lady actually told me that when she saw her husband cry for the first time she lost a little respect for him. Is it any wonder why some men remain stoic, not showing any emotion, keeping their feelings close to their chests, not treating women too well?

Both sides have merit, but I say, treat her well, yes, but maintain your dignity. More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Insurance is something of which I’ve always been very sceptical. Sure, it serves its purpose by protecting us from unforeseen circumstances, but what a price we have to pay in the process, and the horror stories of people making claims and being subjected to numerous disputes or denials are plenty. So many people get the runaround when they try to make a claim. As for health insurance, now that’s the killer. Every year premiums increase exponentially, so the broker switches to another insurance company until they, too, eventually increase and we’re forced to switch again. It’s like musical chairs and bait and switch as the insurance companies lure you in with attractive premiums then increase it when they have you. If you’re over 50 years old, dog nyam yu supper.