Dear Counsellor,

My wife migrated with our kids almost two years ago. Basically, they overstayed their visas and are trying to get straight. I had advised against it because I have no interest in living overseas, and I knew it would break the bond I have with my children, but she didn’t listen. Meanwhile, my children are miserable, but right now, if they return home, they have basically ruined their lives as far as travelling is concerned, and both have missed crucial grades in school that would have allowed them to matriculate. Anyway, I have accepted that I won’t see my children for a while and that I need to move on, which I have. But a mutual friend told my wife about my new partner who has moved into the house to take care of me. My wife got very angry and talked about me breaking the marriage covenant. She wants the woman out of the house, and even threatened to have her family come by to beat me because I’m not faithful. I’m not sure what she expected, but I’m not willing to give up my relationship for the unsure, or wait years and years for my wife to get straight, then return home. I told her to go her way and I’ll go mine, but she got even angrier. What’s your spin on this?

I’ll come straight with you and do my best to tell you like it is. The truth is, some people do feel stifled by the economy in Jamaica. And providing a decent standard of living for a family can be daunting and feel out of reach at present, as you’d have realised too, I’m sure. Of course, I can’t condone “running off”, but I can empathise, in light of the difficulties. I’d think your wife was, like others, hoping to provide a better life for herself and the children.

Now, having said that, a point I make in my book, So You Wanna Be A Wife — Husband Lives Matter, is that wives must put a premium on what happens to their husbands as well. Her leaving you behind doesn’t communicate love or loyalty. Here’s a point for wives reading this, remember your husbands’ well-being too. Watch out for always putting your children above your spouse — a healthy family life makes for healthy children. Yes, many families do face this same migration challenge you’re facing. The issue with your situation is that there was no mutual agreement, nor proper planning.

My counsel:

Speak to a lawyer: Promptly get legal advice. There are serious implications for your wife migrating with your children without your consent. The status of your marriage is clearly in jeopardy as well, which calls into question her ability to make demands on you. You should also share with the attorney any proof you have of her threats of violence.

Stay in touch with your children: Do not make the children suffer further by withdrawing from them. Maintain your relationship with them, no matter what. Use the internet and telephone to remain very much involved with them. Don’t allow them to think you’ve given up on them because of the situation. You could also make an effort to travel to see them when and as often as you can.

Apologise to your wife: You should have communicated your intention to move on before allowing the lady to move in. You should have sought to end things before commencing the other relationship. For that, the decent thing may be to apologise.

The key here is to be the best “you” even in the worst situations. Your wife must have done this for the children, and they may somehow, with your prudence, benefit from the debacle. However, for further help contact me at www.counsellorscouch.com.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.