Wife thinks hubby’s cheating
Counsellor,
I think my husband is cheating but I have no solid proof, except for something a close friend said, and subtle changes in his behaviour. He has vehemently denied this, even though women’s intuition and common sense tell me otherwise. I asked to search his phone, and he said no. What can I do? I’m not crazy, but not knowing is killing me.
You suspect your husband is cheating and you don’t know how to prove it. Understood. The Bible says in Deuteronomy 19:15, “One witness shall not rise up against a man for any iniquity, or for any sin, in any sin that he sinneth: at the mouth of two witnesses, or at the mouth of three witnesses, shall the matter be established.” That’s the way Israel was instructed to handle establishing a case against someone. It is prudent for you to follow suit. Don’t use one person’s word as fact to establish absolute guilt, even if that one person is a “close friend”. You certainly would need more evidence.
However, there are some general tell-tale signs that you can use to know if a partner may be cheating, and if you are having these issues then it is a #redflag indeed.
•Unexplained or inappropriately explained absence.
•Unexplained grooming and wardrobe changes.
•Unexplained spending.
•Increased secrecy.
•Sudden disinterest in time together and intimacy.
Also, consider how your communication, intimacy, his availability, general honesty and care for you have been. If that’s all off, then #redflag. Another issue to consider here that’s more basic is just your general discomfort. If you aren’t feeling secure in the relationship then something is wrong, and something has to change. That’s the big deal, evidence or not.
My advice:
Consult friends and family: You may want to check with longtime friends or one or two close family members for some feedback on your own general behaviour. Ask them if they’d say you’re generally insecure or a jealous person. If they affirm, then your mindset may be where the challenge is. Not that both situations can’t be true at once. But this will be important to know.
Talk to your husband again: Let your husband know you’re not comfortable with the relationship at present, and you feel insecure. Ask him what he suggests you both could do. If you aren’t getting anywhere with him, probably take that close friend with you, that mentioned that he was cheating. Ask them to raise the issue in his presence. And let him know you will need help to allay your fears and insecurity. Assure him of your love, and that you’re trying to ensure the safety and longevity of your marriage, and that’s why you’re bringing the issue up.
Consider your deal-breaking point: You will want to determine at what point you’ll say it’s too much risk. You really may not get much more “hard evidence” of anything. But your sense of peace and security matters. If you pray, pray for guidance from the Lord on this. You could also pray that the Lord reveals the truth about the situation, and that He gives you a restoration of your peace of mind.
Schedule counselling: Set an appointment for both of you to come in. A counsellor’s couch usually offers a safe space to air hard issues. It can give a spouse the opportunity to come clean on what’s really going on. It also gives a spouse the opportunity to get assistance with handling accusations they feel are unwarranted. And the counsellor’s couch can help couples handle reconciliation in difficult situations, if reconciliation is chosen.
No! Don’t play around with the notion of “crazy”. There are many spouses going through the very same challenge of wanting to feel more secure in their marriage. Put your comfort ‘front and centre’. If you’re not comfortable, take measures to get comfortable. I pray that the Lord will guide you so that you will know exactly what to do.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
