He won’t put a ring on it
Counsellor, I’ve been with my gentleman for three years, and there’s been no movement towards anything serious from him. I started dating for marriage, as I heard that in her late 20s to early 30s, a woman should be looking to find her husband. I am 30, and want the whole marriage and family thing, so I don’t think I have a lot of time. Is it true that a man knows immediately the woman who will be his wife? Am I wasting my years in this relationship? Each time I raise the issue he brushes me off.
You are concerned about the willingness of your boyfriend to move the relationship on to marriage. And you feel time is of the essence. Understood. It is fair for you to be concerned — time is indeed of the essence, especially if you have set a goal for your life. You want marriage and you want to have children, in that context, and that’s good. But that requires making plans absolutely clear to whoever you are dating prior to forming an intimate relationship with them.
I say to individuals, pursue romantic relationships with both your head and heart, not heart alone. Don’t “fall in love”, and enter a romantic situation without doing the math: does their vision sync with mine? Do their desires align with mine? Are their goals in agreement with mine? It should never simply be that they’re so ambitious, good looking, “Christian”, well-built, etc, that you determine a relationship on that basis alone. It must be that “we are in sync”.
I wonder if you told him that you were “dating for marriage” prior to it getting more serious?! If you did, and he’s now not responding three years later, then the writing is on the wall. You may need to make some hard choices. And that’s fine. Hard choices are often the ones that bring dreams to fruition. You will need to sit with him and make it clear where you stand. And that’s after you have determined where you stand; that is, knowing what your boundaries are.
You may want him to propose, but after a while, having a discussion is more important than awaiting a romantic surprise. Waiting for him to propose on one knee isn’t quite as important now as asking him, “Hey, what are we doing?!” I’d say asking that question 18 months into a relationship is quite understandable, especially for individuals in their late 20s or into their 30s. You are three years in, you certainly are justified in asking him.
The 20s and early 30s are indeed a good time to be looking to settle down and to create a family. At that stage women should be mature enough, stable enough, to manage raising children. But the stars do not always align sufficiently to allow that for many people. So you have to play the hand you are dealt, and play it well. Your responsibility is to make the best choices you can, in pursuit of your goals, considering your particular context.
In your particular case, I suggest you have a discussion with your partner and outline your dealbreaker. Then stick to your plan. Make yourself available for someone with a similar vision. Unfortunately, some men can delay moving on to marriage if they feel they have all the “benefits” of marriage outside of a marriage. In Jamaica the statement is, “if you are getting the milk already, why buy the cow?’ And women have to understand that.
However, things are also changing, and for whatever reason men are not as inclined to get married as early as before. Whether men have become more fearful of serious commitment, or attaining financial security has become more tedious, it’s changing. It doesn’t mean you should abandon your desire, though. But you have to find someone with a similar conviction.
I pray that you both can find synergy. And if things do not work out between you, I pray you both can find happiness moving on and still wishing each other the best.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
