Hubby’s slowly pulling away

Counsellor, I am an established career woman who married a much younger man four years ago. He had only a primary school education, was a hustler, and had nothing to his name, not even a birth certificate. I taught him everything, including things as basic as proper hygiene, how to open a bank account, get his visa, everything. I sent him back to school, helped him start a business, we got a mortgage, etc. I’m just explaining how far we’ve come. Now he’s a wealthy man, who is well respected. And he is distancing himself. He tells no one he’s married, doesn’t wear his ring, doesn’t sleep in the same room with me, doesn’t eat my food, and spends no time at home, not even Christmas. He doesn’t openly disrespect me, but the slow pull away has eaten away at my confidence. I know he wants to leave, but probably won’t because it would look bad. One time we had a simple argument, and his first response was to leave to an Airbnb for three days. So I now keep quiet. What do I do? I feel lost.

You got married and within four years you and your husband have done well for yourselves. You are however concerned because your marriage seems at risk. Understood. I commend you for your ability to create a successful business as a couple within four years. It seems as though you took a diamond in the rough and have helped to polish it. So now you both are financially secure due to your willingness to work together and to create a strategic partnership. That is good teamwork. However, you now need a strategy for success with regard to your marriage – the romance and intimacy.

There are risks whenever you marry a person who’s a different age and at a different stage in life than you are. That situation typically requires effective premarital counselling to prepare you for probable challenges. Being aware of the vulnerabilities can help you mitigate the risks. Did you do premarital counselling? Yes, there’s often a cost associated with it, but it’s a wise and necessary investment.

Regarding the dynamics of your relationship, these are the areas of vulnerability that must be managed effectively:

1) Age difference: Understanding how to maintain mutual respect often becomes a challenge. Proper communication is absolutely an imperative. Men in this situation often feel controlled and emasculated, while women often feel exposed, vulnerable and overwhelmed. Effective communication can bring bliss where perceived burdens exist. I’d suggest you could try commending him more, if you haven’t. Let him feel celebrated for his present accomplishments and growth. Watch out for requiring payback for your investment. Don’t focus on that. Celebrate who he is today. Let go of what he was. Forget his age.

2) Educational differences: Insecurity can often be an issue in this case. Men in this situation often try to measure up by belittling their spouse’s position and perspective. Be aware of it. There’s not too much you can do, he has to overcome any sense of insecurity. However, treating each other as equals will help. Perceiving equal partnership and equal respectability is often a fix. Harmony in this case comes from loving and respecting your spouse for who they are, as they are. Celebrate what they do actually know and can actually do.

REV CHRIS BRODBER.

3) Social differences: Managing expectations here becomes critical. Having a perspective of acceptance and appreciation, despite the difference, will be key. Don’t speak derogatively about simple mistakes or missteps. Sandwich criticism with affirmation. Feed each other with affirming words, before anything else. Be the chief cheerleader of your spouse’s accomplishments. Boast publicly about him.

Launching a ship and sailing a ship require separate skills. Your relationship has been launched. You’ve done well. You’ve had the skills to start it and get it moving. Now you both require the skill to keep it above water and moving in the right direction. You don’t have to feel lost. I recommend that you schedule a counselling session, to see what can be realigned and in order to gain additional skills. It may require work, but the rest of your lives can yet be the best of your lives.