On cheating, regrets, and a ticking clock
Counsellor, I was with my partner for 15 years. I migrated to the United States in 2018; however, I would go back to Jamaica two times per year to visit him. Over the years we had our ups and downs. In 2024 a woman reached out to me and advised me that she had a child for my partner and that she had been to my home. I confronted him about it and he told me yes, it was a mistake, and he was sorry for what he did.
I ended the relationship on the advice of my mom. She really did not like my partner. I am 47 years old and I am finding it difficult to find a partner to share my life with as most men on the dating scene prefer younger women, while my biological clock is ticking. I would also like to have a child before my childbearing days are over. I am second-guessing myself whether I made the right decision in ending our relationship.
I need your advice.
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You were in a long-distance relationship for several years and you found out that your partner was unfaithful, and he now has a child. You decided to end the relationship and now you’re wondering if you made the right choice. Understood. Do not be hard on yourself. You made the best decision you could at the time, in defence of your peace of mind. Do not entertain regret and second-guessing. It has been said that where there’s life, there’s opportunity. New adventures await you: Pray! Plan! Pursue!
The Bible offers instruction to give peace of mind and keep us free of distress in our souls. “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it.” (Proverbs 15:17.) What does that mean? It means it’s better to be content and live without some things and enjoy true comfort and love; as opposed to facilitating other things that bring contention. Do without some things to enjoy the most important things! You chose clarity, peace and stability!
That said, let me mention here a risk to which couples are often exposed. A general word of caution to couples: Be cognisant of the risks associated with extended separation. Extended separation exposes both parties to possible infidelity. Temptation is real! And the sex drive is a powerful thing. The Bible says, “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5.) It means, do not stay apart for too long because Satan will mess you up! Couples must find a way to mitigate extended distance and separation.
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Distance and separation are at times inevitable. However, by knowing the risks a couple can plan carefully to mitigate exposure. Incorporate what the Bible says, make it “for a limited time”, then “come together again”. Couples need a clear, mutually agreed plan that has an end in sight to the separation. I’d suggest that any separation over five years is too risky. Seeing each other just twice a year, for so many years, was probably unsustainable.
However, that’s now the past. Learn from that and plan accordingly. Now, become more intentional about socialising. I’d encourage you to travel widely and take up new activities to facilitate meeting new people. Loyalty and love are important, and you are still quite young. And, the desires you have create exciting opportunities. I have had the privilege of attending beautiful weddings of individuals in their 70s. Love, loyalty, and legacy are still in reach. Go meet people, but not just with the intention of marriage or pregnancy. Remember, your peace is paramount, not your pregnancy!
Consider scheduling a counselling session for more useful advice. And, I am confident that the rest of your life can be the best of your life.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
