Should a woman pursue a man?

LET’S talk about something that will probably make some women uncomfortable and even get me into trouble with some church people. Can a woman pursue a man?

The Bible says, “He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing and receives favour from God.” So clearly, there are believers who will tell you a woman should never pursue a man. Then there are others, like myself, who will send you to the story of Ruth and how she positioned herself for Boaz to notice her.

There is nothing wrong with a woman expressing interest in a man. Women are allowed to make the first move, initiate a conversation, ask someone out, or make it known that they are interested.

But there is a difference between showing interest and becoming the hunter. And that distinction matters.

I have spoken to women who have spent months pursuing men who were giving them very little in return. She is calling. She is texting. She is making the plans. She is checking on him. She is encouraging him. She is practically managing the relationship before the man has even decided whether he wants one.

At some point you have to ask yourself, “Am I expressing interest, or am I chasing?”

There is nothing wrong with letting a man know that you like him. In fact, I think women sometimes overcomplicate this. You do not have to play games or pretend you are not interested when you are.

But once you have made your interest clear, give the man room to respond. That is where discernment comes in.

If he likes you he should eventually demonstrate that interest through action.

A woman should not have to become a detective to figure out whether a man is interested in her. She should not have to analyse every text message. She should not have to create reasons to see him. She should not have to keep initiating conversations because he rarely does. She should not have to convince him that she is a good woman. And she certainly should not have to compete for his attention.

There is another issue that concerns me when women become hunters. Sometimes the pursuit is not really about the man; it is about validation. She wants to be chosen so badly that she starts chasing someone who has shown very little interest, because winning him would make her feel valuable. That is dangerous.

Marie Berbick-Bailey.

Your value cannot be determined by whether a particular man chooses you. You were valuable before he noticed you. You were valuable before he called you beautiful. You were valuable before he asked for your number. You were valuable before he decided whether he wanted a relationship with you. Know your worth.

This does not mean women should always sit passively waiting for men to approach them. Times have changed. Women are more independent, confident and intentional about what they want. If you see a man you like, there is nothing wrong with making the first move.

But make the move. Do not carry the relationship. There is a difference.

Express your interest and then observe his response.

If he reciprocates, wonderful. If he begins investing, initiating, planning and pursuing you as well, you have something to explore. But if you are constantly pulling and he is constantly being pulled, stop. A relationship should not require one person to drag the other person into it.

And ladies, please stop confusing persistence with love. If a man has repeatedly shown you that he does not want a relationship, believe him. You cannot persuade someone into genuine desire. You cannot love someone into commitment. You cannot perform your way into being chosen. And you should never have to audition for a role that God has already ordained for you.

The healthiest relationships have reciprocity. Both people show interest. Both people make an effort. Both people communicate. Both people pursue the relationship.

So yes, ladies, you can pursue a man. Just don’t pursue a man who is not pursuing you. There is a difference between being intentional and being desperate.

Be bold enough to express interest, but wise enough to step back and observe what comes next. Because the goal is not simply to get the man, it is to get with a man who wants to get with you.

Marie Berbick-Bailey is a certified master life coach, women’s transformational coach, ordained minister, author, motivational speaker, wife, mother and big sister dedicated to empowering women to heal, thrive, and walk in purpose. Connect with her at www.marieberbick.com, www.marieberbickcoach.com, or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.