So loving to my mother,

That he might not beteem

The winds of heaven

Visit her face too roughly.

— Shakespeare

‘That he might not beteem the winds of heaven,’ says the quote above. Beteem is an old English word that means to allow, so he’s basically saying that the person would not allow the winds of heaven to be too harsh on her face. He’s protective of his mother, and so he should be.

Mothers are special, and children hold them near and dear to their hearts as that love is deep, lasting, and unconditional. At best that happens when the child is very young, for those feelings can go sour as the years go by.

Children nowadays seem to have lost that love and respect for their parents, as opposed to what used to happen many years ago. At least some of them do. Nevertheless, a mother’s love is great and very few emotions can match it in all of nature. From the great Blue Whale and her calf to the smallest bird that cares for her fledgling, that love is powerful.

Just an aside, but a few weeks ago there was this news clip that showed a herd of elephants quickly forming a circle around the young ones during an earthquake. It was fascinating to see those huge beasts displaying that gesture of protectiveness.

Mothers often have to raise children all by themselves, and the plight of the single mother is well known among many societies. It’s a difficult task, yet many mothers do it with grace, dignity, strength and love for the child. And yet, in many cases, somehow it doesn’t turn out well for the child — especially if it’s a boy — for strong though she may be, a mother cannot be a father, and boys need fathers.

We’ll explore this further, right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘The ABC of sex’.

Hey Tony,

Yeah man, sexual activity is a natural given. I can’t imagine someone not getting involved in having a passion for the act. That’s why I believe in the Adam and Eve theory. Now, how about the transgenders?

Paula

Teerob,

Brilliant article, bro. I really enjoyed it. Is there a name for the category of females that can’t orgasm? I find women in that group unattractive after the newness passes.

Pardy

In response to that last letter, the answer is anorgasmia: difficulty achieving orgasm, a common issue affecting many women.

But on to the matter at hand, that of mothers can’t be fathers. Raising a child can be extremely challenging, extremely difficult, and is no walk in the park. To compound matters, there is no handbook, no manual, no formula, as every child is different, and what applies for the first child will not necessarily apply to the second or others following.

Having both parents is preferred, but even with that there is no guarantee for we all know the stories of how parson pickney bad and policeman son turn criminal. So even if the ideal situation does not work, you can just imagine what can happen in a less than ideal environment.

A few weeks ago I addressed the consequences of what can happen to daughters growing up without a father. The result can be a lifetime of emotional trauma and pain, some of which affects the woman’s future relationships. And we all know what happens when boys grow up without a father figure — our prisons become home for many of them.

Of course this is not the case for all fatherless boys or girls, but the statistics do show the negative impact being without a father has on children.

What happens, though, when a mother takes on the role of being a father in a boy’s life? Well, in a lot of situations it turns out very badly for the son, and subsequently the mother too. Admittedly, many of these women have no choice, for many fathers become absent for various reasons.

Maybe she was just a one-night stand, a short-term fling, a hit and run like what Shensea sang about.

Yuh think yuh coulda get inna mi feelings (nah)

Yuh couldn’t get me fi sekkle down

Mi gi yuh a hit and run

Mi only did want likkle dealings

Love yuh did a look, yuh mussi dumb

Mi gi yuh a hit and run.

Ironically she was referring to a woman not wanting a long-term relationship, but usually it’s the other way around. Nevertheless, the words say it all. Some mothers do not want the fathers to have any input or influence over the sons, apart from fulfilling financial obligations, and they take on the mantle of being not only a mother, but also a father.

Her influence on the boy is pervasive and, as a result, because that’s all that he’s exposed to, it’s all he knows. He only sees things from his mother’s perspective and has no testosterone feeding in to him to fuel his masculinity. Oftentimes that boy grows up seeing life only from a female perspective, and sadly, neither he nor his mother are aware of it.

I have seen young boys of age four sitting down on the toilet to pee, for that is what they were exposed to. The mother sees nothing wrong with it and accepts, if not encourages this practice until the boy goes to the outside world and observes how other boys and men pee standing up.

The issue of sissyfying and marginalising our boys has been a burning one for many years now. One area that contributes to this is the spoiling of the boys, spoilt rotten is the term. So many mothers spoil their sons and allow them to get away with everything. When he becomes out of control the usual response is, “Oh, I just can’t manage him.” He’s four years old and she can’t manage him. Give me a break. Sothe twig is bent so it shall grow.

That boy grows up with a feeling of entitlement as the mother keeps on giving him everything that he wants, everything that he asks for, and she never says no to his unquenchable demands. If the father dares to step in to offer any influence or advice, he is cursed and chased away.

Interestingly, it was a lady who told me this few years ago, “Some mothers want to be the sole influence on their sons, so they see the father as a threat.”

Do you remember the story of the criminal who was about to be hanged and his last request was that his mother come near so that he could tell her something? When she did so, he bit off her ear and said, “If you had brought me up the proper way I would not be in this situation.” I didn’t write that story, but it’s a very old one.

So, many of those boys grow up with a warped view of reality, thinking that the world owes them and should always give them what they want. After all, that’s how they were raised, always taking from their mothers and never giving anything.

They take this attitude way up into adulthood, still expecting to be pampered and facilitated by their mother. It manifests itself in the boy’s attitude towards life. He jumps from one school to the next, always blaming the institutions for his behaviour. He tries everything, never settling down on any one, always changing jobs and blaming the boss, for the world is to blame and not his mother who keeps on defending his behaviour.

I witness this all the time in my karate class, mothers bringing their now-spoiled sons to be disciplined and put on the straight and narrow, factors that were never a part of the boy’s life. I tell them, “I can try, but I cannot undo what you have done over those formative years if you go home and continue doing the same thing.”

For some bizarre reason many mothers treat their sons differently than they do their daughters, resulting in the girls being more rounded and ambitious than the boys. Our tertiary institutions reflect this as the ratio of girls to boys in our universities is three to one.

Why do so many women treat their sons differently than they do their daughters? Why do so many women ruin their son’s lives and not prepare them for the world? Sometimes they treat their sons almost like lovers, to fill the gap of the absent father.

In their minds the boy can do no wrong, and any bad trait that he may have must have come from the father.

“Yuh is just like yuh wuttless puppa.”

She is oblivious to the fact that her sole influence has moulded the boy to what he has now become.

Again, I emphasise that many mothers have a difficult time bringing up their sons without a father, and those who do so successfully must be commended. But there are some who choose to be fathers to their sons, and that can never happen. A mother can never be a father, and those who try end up ruining their sons.

It was policeman who told me, “Mothers are among the chief causes of many criminals in our society.”

And these quotes add to the mix.

“No man can protect you like your father, no woman can protect you like your mother.”

“While a mother’s love is invaluable, it cannot truly replace a father’s unique influence on a child’s heart.”

I was very close to my dear mother yet I never dream of her, but I have so many pleasant dreams of my father, who I always tried to emulate. He was my hero, and I’m glad that I made him proud. Mothers can’t be fathers.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: I saw something in the news that said that Jamaicans For Justice (JFJ) had planned to have a demonstration to protest the high number of police killings since the year has started. I find this astonishing, for in effect they are casting a shadow over these shootings without giving thought to the possible reasons. The fact is, crime has been reduced and even more importantly, murders have dropped by 37 per cent. Is that a coincidence or does it correlate with the number of successful police missions? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Instead of acknowledging and praising the police for the huge reduction in murders, JFJ chooses to rail against the officers doing their job. That’s why many people often have negative comments about JFJ .