Counsellor,

I think my wife is planning to leave, and is taking steps to protect herself before she does this. Nothing has happened in the marriage, the only thing I can suppose is that she is bored, and probably found someone else. She has removed a lot of money from our joint account, sold a lot of stuff on Facebook Marketplace, and when I checked, a lot of her belongings seem to have been moved from the house. She also took her name off the electric bill, and attempted to change our lease to a month-to-month. It was when the landlord approached me, that I started to pay more attention to things, and to dig around. We have been married six years, and I’m not sure how to approach this.

You are seeing physical signs that indicate to you that your wife is giving up on your marriage, and you want to know what to do. My first question is, why did it take the visible and tangible signs of her moving money and selling things to make you aware that she’s giving up and “planning to leave”? If you are indeed correct, and she is leaving, unfortunately this could suggest that you checked-out of the marriage emotionally. Where is the communication? Where is your prior attention for her frustration or boredom? No relationship can work without care and communication.

You are six years into your marriage. You both really should still be sensitive to each other’s needs. If you are correct, the signs of her retreat should not be from the evidence of what she sells on Facebook. Alarms should have been going off for you from noticing a lack of intimacy. I say to couples, a kiss is a powerful thing — it is the “canary in the coal mine” for your marriage. You can often tell the health of your relationship by how you share a kiss. Generally, no kiss = a dead relationship. A passionate kiss = a living relationship. The goal of couples should be that every kiss feels like the first. #SeeTheSigns

That you say “nothing has happened in the marriage”, seems to imply much more than you mean to say. And you add to that, “she is bored”. There are all kinds of questions I have. That she felt she needed to start taking steps to “protect herself” is strange. It is concerning that so quickly you have not been paying attention to things. It is quite possible that you’ve dropped the ball. It doesn’t mean that you can’t now pursue her and try to take corrective action.

The Bible says in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”. That’s a call to husbands to provide sacrificial and Christlike meticulous care of their wives. That kind of posture is needed by wives for them to feel loved and secure. They must feel they matter and are a priority to you. I am wondering what your posture has been towards her. Whatever it has been, try to make adjustments.

Here’s my advice:

Talk to her: I hope you’ve got lyrical skills. Sit with her and use your best lyrics to apologise and to let her know that you will make the most of the opportunity at life with her. Make winning her back a priority. Use everything you can find in the Don Juan toolbox. Let her know you are offering a fresh, exciting new start. Don’t argue! Just woo her and try to win her. #WineAndDine

Prepare for anything: If she’s too far gone, then that’s that. And if there is indeed someone else wooing her, be prepared even for that. Be prepared to let go. Give it your best effort to win her back — your conscience must say that you’ve tried your best. But be prepared to humbly accept it if she says “no”.

I pray that you can salvage your marriage. I stand ready to offer assistance.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com

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