Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day

Thou art more lovely and more temperate,

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

And Summer’s lease hath all too short a date.

— Shakespeare

Maybe that’s the only thing that people should be compared to, a summer’s day, a cool wind, or any such feature that occurs in nature.

“Baby, you’re like the warm spring rain that caresses my cheeks.”

Never ever should people be compared to anybody else, or it will certainly create untold problems and not end well.

The Bible says that we cannot serve two masters, lest we love one and hate the other. Well, neither should you compare the person who you’re dealing with to another. It could be an ex, a current or future lover, a co-worker or a neighbour, if you compare them to your current spouse it’ll be more than a cause for concern.

“Why can’t you be like Mr Brown next door?”

And yet, people still make comparisons, sometimes subconsciously without being overtly aware of it, or consciously, where they not only think it, but verbalise it as well.

“Why can’t you have a sexy body like your best friend?”

Very few things are more damaging to a relationship.

Imagine your woman telling you, “You’re nothing like my ex, he was a fantastic lover, great in bed.” Or a man saying to his spouse, “My past lover was a tigress in bed, not a boring dead stock like you.”

Ouch! That’s bound to hurt, and that’s why you should never make a comparative analysis when dealing with your partner. We’ll see why, right after these responses to my take on the ‘Crying game’.

Hi Tony,

I don’t see or understand why a man shouldn’t cry. He’s human and should let out that emotion. The holding back of that emotion can lead to serious repercussions, like getting sick in the long run. It shouldn’t be a game.

Paulette

Teerob,

Man, I hear you and I do try to understand the need for a man to cry, but seriously, it’s not a good look. Can you just imagine a general going to battle and shedding tears in front of his troops? It certainly wouldn’t inspire them to bravery. A man has to appear strong, resilient and not bawl like a baby. Keep it in.

Robert

We go through life making constant comparative analyses, choosing, selecting, refusing one thing or another. Even beauty contests are a form of comparative analysis, as the ladies are scrutinised, compared, filtered out and appraised. I guess that’s acceptable. We compare cars, houses, jobs, even pets, but what we should never do is compare our past relationships or specifically, past lovers.

It’s a dangerous game, and yet, it’s a game that so many people play. Interestingly I hear more complaints from men being the subject of comparative analysis than from women.

“All that I keep hearing is how her ex was tall, virile, big and strong and a perfect gentleman.”

If he was all those things then why didn’t she stay with him?

It reminds me of this story of this man who would visit the grave of his wife’s first husband and kneel, saying, “Why did you have to die and leave me in your shadow…I can’t compete with your memory.”

“My ex was a kind and gentle man who spoilt me.”

Oh yes, many men are living in the shadow of the previous spouse who they’re always being compared to.

“My ex was a stallion in bed and hung like one too.”

That’s another thing; in this comparative analysis, size is an issue, for it’s the secret fear of many a man that his woman’s previous lover was bigger down there than him.

That’s why women lie about it, always saying, “Honey, you’re the biggest and the best.” No woman on Earth is going to tell her man that he’s smaller than her ex, and that’s a fact. Unless she wants to destroy his self-esteem and go back to her ex.

“You likkle and puny and can’t do a thing.”

It works both ways too, for women also compare past lovers in a negative light and speak badly of them.

“My ex was a terrible man and used to abuse me.”

Sometimes the current man knows so much about the past indiscretions of her ex that he grows weary of hearing it, but that’s comparative analysis in action.

I rarely hear men making comparisons regarding past relationships, maybe the psychologists can explain why, but I find that women tend to do it more as they constantly live in the past. In fact, the less a man says about his past relationships the better, for female exes should be erased from all relationship history. What some men tend to do though, is use past experiences to define current or future ones. So a man will be hurt in a previous relationship and that experience defines how he forges ahead in the future. That affects how he treats all other women with whom he gets involved.

But as the saying goes, “You can’t shoot all dogs because one dog bit you.” There are men who say that they would never treat a woman well, for the last time that they did so, the woman took him for granted and walked all over him. So as a result, he’d never treat another woman well again, or spoil and pamper her.

That’s a sad outlook on life, for everyone is different and should be treated on their own merit. I know only one way to treat women, and that’s well. If she doesn’t appreciate it, then that’s her loss and I move on, but it certainly won’t stop me from treating other women well.

Why should you change your personality because of someone else, why fry one person in another person’s oil? But some folks use the past as a template and compare, compare, compare.

It was Othello in Shakespeare’s play who said, “I am one who loved not wisely, but too well.” Treat each person on their own merit and if it doesn’t work out, then fine, move on, but don’t change because of the comparative analysis..

That’s another reason some men do not like to get involved with women who have too much of a history with various men. I have explored this before in my article titled ‘High body count’ and how it affects relationships. Many other articles by sociologists have been written on the subject.

The main reason is that women who have too much of a ‘man history’ tend to compare either consciously or subconsciously. That can have serious consequences, and women have been even known to call out the name of their ex while making love to their current lover. Some may not verbalise it, but the thoughts are still there.

That’s because deep down she was always comparing the current lover with the ex, both good and bad qualities, but in one brief moment of passion the wrong name came out. I saw a news item on US TV where this man was so enraged when his woman shouted out her ex’s name while making love that he shot her right there and then. It was captured on the home CCTV cameras.

She paid the price for vocalising comparative analysis at the wrong time. Many women may not actually shout it out, but it’s omnipresent. Also, a woman dare not tell her current man that her ex was bigger than him where it mattered, or that he could make her feel more sexually fulfilled. She dare not say it, but the comparative analysis lingers.

Don’t just take my word for it, for the psychologists concur, “Women may compare men for various reasons, often related to mate selection, social comparisons and assessing potential partners’ qualities. These comparisons can be driven by evolutionary factors, social influences and personal preferences.” So I’m not just blowing hot air, but corroborated by scientific findings and research.

Women are attracted to men who other women desire too, and that’s why so many women gravitate towards married men.

“If so many women want him, he must be good then.”

It’s hardly likely that you’ll get a woman of your own if other women don’t want you also.

“Me nuh want him if nobody nuh want him.”

‘
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want

I can see whomever I choose

I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant,

But nothing, I said nothing can take away those blues,

Cause nothing compares, nothing compares to you.’

— Sinead O’Conner

So there’s merit to the comparative analysis and there’s also method in the madness.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Our crime statistics are not good, but mercifully our murder rate and other serious crimes are trending down immensely, thanks to our hard-working security forces who put their lives on the line every day. But crime is everywhere, and just a few days ago I was speaking with a young couple visiting from Toronto. I asked about their social life and friendships there, and much to my surprise they said that they just went to work and then back home, as the crime was so pervasive. They listed home invasions, robberies, car-jackings, mostly by teenage hoodlums. And while the homicide rate is low, the Toronto Police Service Public Safety Data Portal states that assaults, gang violence, shootings, sexual violations and retail robberies are increasing.

I’ve always said, even in Heaven I’m locking my door.