How does your patient, doctor?

Cure her of that!

Cant’s thou not minister to a mind diseased,

Pluck from your memory a rooted sorrow,

Raze out the written troubles of the brain,

And with some sweet obvious antidote

Cleanse the stuffed bosom of that perilous stuff

Which weigh upon her heart?

— Shakespeare, Macbeth

Now, that’s some really heavy stuff in that quote above, as that concerned person makes enquiry about the patient’s mental health and asks the doctor if she can be cured of whatever is resting on her brain. It has been suggested that everything that a person does — good or bad — originates in the brain; first you think it, then you do it.

Of course, some actions are instinctive, by reflex, and require no thought, but that’s another matter. In the main, the action follows the instructions of the brain, and that includes infidelity. Yes, infidelity — cheating, to give bun, to go astray, to be with someone else other that your partner — has its origins in the brain.

Who would have think it, and here I was thinking that it was merely a basic animal instinctive impulse why people strayed. I guess I was wrong. Well, seriously, I’m just pulling your leg, for I didn’t really think that, as I’ve done my research and have gone down this road before, although not as deep as these modern psychologists have.

Let’s face it, infidelity is here to stay, and no matter what the psychologists and psychoanalysts say. It’s not going away, despite all the modern terms that they use or reasons that they give. Despite what that guy begged the doctor to do in the quote above, there is no cure. In the said quote, the patient was a woman, but it applies to men too.

Three things in life are certain: death, taxes and infidelity, say the cynics, and that’s where we’ll delve today, into the corridors of infidelity, the psychology of that art form, right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘Why women hate women’.

Tony,

Wow brother! Your findings about the subject are impressive. I hadn’t a clue that these ugly relationships were going on with some women. In short, if a woman has her head on straight, then there’s nothing to be feared from other women. Just acknowledge them for who they are, don’t be the sinister one with the flaws, be yourself. Big up to all the strong women.

POT Mrs

Mr Teerob,

All that I can say is that I have been a victim of hate all my life, and this has come mostly from women, just because I looked different. The worst hate though, was from my sisters who hated me because I was the prettiest one and got most of the attention.

Suzanne

Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner, says the dictionary. So by extension, does that make that person an infidel? Well, yes and no, depending on what century you’re living in, an infidel is a term used in a derogatory way for someone who does not believe in a particular religion or those with no religious beliefs.

But infidel is a 15th century Latin word meaning unfaithful, so for all intents and purposes an infidel is one who violates a couple’s emotional or sexual exclusivity that commonly results in feelings of anger, sexual jealousy and rivalry.

What a whole heap of psychological and psychoanalytical mumbo jumbo, and I did tell you that it depended on what century you were living in. So if that term was applied now, there would be a lot of people classed as infidels, and not for religious reasons either.

But what’s in a word? A rose by any other name is just as sweet, and an infidel will partake of that sweet nectar of forbidden fruit. So the man or the woman is an infidel, irrespective of what century they live in, but the question is, why, what makes a person venture out of a relationship and start something with someone else?

The psychologists say that it’s complex, but what reasons were given before the advent of modern psychology? That I can’t answer, but the modern experts say that it involves complex issues related to relationships, people’s own internal struggles or a combination of both.

Common factors include lack of emotional or sexual connection, unresolved issues like childhood trauma, low self-esteem, or a desire for variety and excitement.

“So doctor, are you telling me that she give me bun because her head take har?”

I told you that it was hot, heavy and complicated, and not as simple as it appears to be on the surface. So let’s examine the first issue, a lack of emotional or sexual connection. Well, even a layman could figure that out, for if there’s no emotional connection, no chemistry in the relationship, then it will be sought elsewhere. Even dogs go where they are fed and petted.

But the complex question is, why the lack of those components in the relationship, were they always absent from the beginning or disappeared over time? We often hear the terms emotional connection or bonding, and if it doesn’t exist, then one or both partners will seek it elsewhere. So guess who comes knocking on the door to fulfil it, Mr or Miss Lova Lova with the name Infidelity emblazoned on their chest.

“We were like two strangers, there was no emotional connection, no touching, no feeling, so I got it elsewhere.”

That’s sort of intangible though, often difficult to detect on the surface and often confused with anger or malice, but not so its sinister sibling, the lack of sexual connection. Oh yes, that’s a biggie and has been the bane and downfall of many relationships.

“I just lost interest in him and have no feelings whatsoever.”

Many wives simply lose interest in their husbands after a while. And I will always remember a wife telling me that if her husband and her never had sex again, she would not mind. Some things you just cannot forget.

Men too, lose interest or get turned off for one reason or another, one being rejected too often.

“After a while I just got tired of begging her so I just stopped.”

Whatever the reason, the psychologists say that it’s the feeding ground for infidelity.

Very often it’s no fault of either partner, but just the way it is, as the passage of time takes its toll on the human psyche. At times they are sexually unequally yoked, as either he wants her and she doesn’t want him, or the other way around. It matters not who, but that ship is dead in the water and guess who comes knocking on the door again? Mr or Miss Infidelity.

“Hello, did someone call me, I’m here to satisfy your needs.”

Here’s the irony though, one partner will accuse the other of not being sexual, which is so far from the truth. The reality is, she is just not sexual towards him, or he towards her. So the sexuality exists, but just not towards each other.

It’s nobody’s fault, the psychologists say, just a matter of imbalanced chemistry, as those same people will have a new and heightened sexuality in their act of infidelity. And sadly, couples fall out of love.

“After a while, I just couldn’t stand the sight of him.”

Then there is the aspect of low self-esteem, as individuals with that condition may cheat just to feel desirable or attractive. This applies to men and women, for men with low self-esteem will have multiple affairs simply to boost their ego and bolster their self-esteem.

“Yeh man, nuff woman want me, I’m the man, Mr Lova Lova.”

Women, too, who have low self-esteem or feel neglected will get involved with a lover or even take multiple lovers simply to feel wanted, needed, and desired. Teenage girls with low self-esteem are notoriously promiscuous, the research showed, as they continually search for validation and acceptance from others.

At times it has nothing to do with the current partner, but stems from a need to fulfil a deep-rooted lack of self-esteem. One indicator is when a woman has to be constantly told how beautiful she is, or a man had to be reminded how strong and virile he is. Low self-esteem and ego go hand in hand and both have voracious appetites.

Then there is past childhood trauma, where someone had a bad experience as a child and it haunts them into adulthood. Sometimes children who witnessed either parent being unfaithful will, in turn, be unfaithful because that image and memory are etched in their minds forever.

“Why were you unfaithful?”

“Because my father was a cheater, so it’s in my genes.”

Well, it’s not in his blood, but certainly in his nature, just like the scorpion. Remember that story? A scorpion asked a frog to take him across a river because he couldn’t swim. The frog said, no way, for you’ll sting me and we’ll both drown. The scorpion said, don’t be silly, why would I do that? So the frog said, okay, hop on. So off they went. Halfway across the river, the scorpion raised his tail and stung the frog in its back. As they sank, the frog with his dying breath asked, why did you do that? Now we’ll both die. The scorpion replied, I couldn’t help it, it’s just my nature. I’m sure that you may have heard it before, but it’s worth savouring.

Yes, it’s just in some people’s nature to cheat and they really can’t help it. So even as the psychologists and psychoanalysts attempt to rationalise the various causes of infidelity, there is one factor that they may overlook, some people are just born to be infidels, and not in the religious sense either. But here this now, when a woman says that she’ll never cheat, take it with a pound of salt, for as Shakespeare said, ‘Methinks the maiden doth protest too much.’

Here’s a twist though, the consequences differ, for if a woman cheats and the man divorces her, she’s entitled to half of his assets, the house, kids plus alimony for life, especially in North America, so in essence she’s rewarded for her infidelity. And if the man cheats and gets divorced, he still suffers greatly.

But times have changed, for back in the day if a woman committed adultery she was publicly stoned to death or beheaded, while the man walked away free. That’s because the belief then was that the woman was a vessel, and by being unfaithful, defiled that vessel. I guess it’s just the changing of the times, but I wonder what the psychologists say about that?

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Print media is in trouble, as many people worldwide and in Jamaica are turning away from printed material such as newspapers and magazines and tend to go online instead. If you are reading this from a paper, then you are among those who still cling to print media. I still like to feel the papers or books between my fingers. Many big name newspapers worldwide have closed down or gone exclusively online. And yet, many print publications refuse to die. A study in Sweden showed that after they switched from books to online learning for children, they had to revert to print as the children fell way behind in many subject areas. As a child I basically lived at Tom Redcam Library and encyclopedias were my refuge.