Counsellor,

What are your views on spouses searching each other’s phones, and at what point of the relationship should things like privacy be discussed? I have always left my husband and my own private business to ourselves; example, I don’t know the passwords to his phone, e-mail or anything like that, and I’ve always trusted him and vice-versa. Recently, the security at our gate told me that another woman was at my house while I was away, and I asked my husband to search his phone, and he said no. He gave me an explanation for what happened, but won’t let me see who he has been communicating with. I know some couples share everything from the onset of the relationship, but I guess I was too open minded, and now it’s biting me in the butt. How do I work through this, because I really need to know what he has been doing.

You are feeling unsure of your husband’s faithfulness to you, and you want to know how to proceed, particularly with regards to phones and privacy. It is certainly an interesting era we live in! Trust is under assault in some new ways: social media inboxes, e-mails, WhatsApp, SMS text messages, are all adding to the ways in which people are being bombarded with communication. The number one way people are meeting for romantic relationships now is through Internet interaction. It used to be in-person interactions — churches, gyms, schools, etc. It is therefore wise to be alert to this. Communication and intimate interaction have become much easier, and so, too, infidelity.

New times call for new measures. New exposures and risks require new methods of protecting each other. A healthy romantic relationship requires mutual accountability. I don’t subscribe to searching each other’s phones though. No! But I do absolutely encourage real transparency. There’s no true intimacy in a relationship without true transparency. He should be able to use your phone freely, and you his. You should know each other’s passwords/PINs (not necessarily so for e-mails, or social media accounts, due to possible confidentiality for work). If you feel you have to go sneak and search a phone, then there’s an issue and you both may need counselling.

Matters of privacy should be discussed once a relationship begins to get “serious”. This is because transparency will be necessary to determine if there’s a future in the relationship. A potential spouse shouldn’t be indicating or saying, “You can’t see my medical history, or my court case, or my payslip”. That would be a red flag. There’s little “privacy” when you’re working on intimacy. You can’t leave “private business” to yourselves. A husband and wife must protect each other through intimate knowledge of each other.

My advice:

Speak to your husband: Be smart about your approach and choice of words. Let him know you’re feeling insecure and exposed. Tell him you need him to help you to become confident in his love again. Ask him how he’d feel if you did something similar. Let him know you require transparency and accountability, and you are willing to become more transparent and accountable too. Ask him about booking marital counselling.

Become more practical: Find smart ways to protect your marriage. Discuss new measures of mutual accountability. Consider using a Ring doorbell to know when anyone comes to your home. Consider trackers on the car and phones. To ignore protecting each other sends the wrong message. It implies, “I don’t care, do whatever you want when you want”. While jealousy isn’t good, protection is.

Secure a counselling session: If you’re not getting anywhere with discussing the issues and you’re struggling to restore trust, then book a session. Every relationship will need some help at one point or the other. Do not discount the help counselling offers.

I pray that you both will act compassionately, solve the impasse, and restore mutual trust and confidence.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.