Parting is such sweet sorrow.

— Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

So said Juliet to Romeo, which, in effect, is an oxymoron, a contradiction in terms, although beautifully said. Parting is sweet, yet so sorrowful. But for many people, parting can be sweet, full stop, with no sorrow, as all the burdens, trials, and tribulations have been lifted  and the cloud of despair has disappeared.

As for the sorrow, that can be due to the bitter disappointment that’s felt as the memories of what used to happen in the good times and the pleasant moments waft across their minds, even as they part ways.

But what am I saying? Maybe those poetic verses or purple prose partings only occur in Shakespeare plays or romantic novels and movies. In real life it’s far more direct, such as a terse goodbye, a note on the fridge, a door slamming, or even a text saying, “It’s over.”

Some people don’t even bother to verbalise or put anything in writing, but simply slip away into the darkness, sail away like a ship over the horizon, take off like a hot air balloon or like a thief in the night, silent but certain as they disappear forever. Many men have come home to an empty house, as the woman cut and run without even saying goodbye.

So you catch my drift; people divorce each other all the time. But here’s the rub, as Shakespeare said in Hamlet: Statistically, women tend to get divorced more than men do. Oh yes, women get divorced far more than men, and as I promised last week, I shall pursue this phenomenon.

Well, here it is, ‘Why women divorce’, a subject that shall be ventilated right after these responses to what I had to say about the ‘App Store’.

Hey Tony,

I like this style of writing. However, I think that it’s a new dispensation; therefore, the older folks should take time to instil, impart, and mould those emotions you spoke about in the younger ones as is necessary. Get those emotional apps downloaded into their system.

Paula

Tony,

Love your piece today. There is the issue with some people who are just wired badly. They used to be called sociopaths. They are now regarded as persons afflicted with antisocial personality disorder. It is impossible for them to show empathy for anyone else but themselves.

Pardy

Hey Tony,

Regarding your footnote about the Jamaican Diaspora. Here is what I have to say. Jamaicans living abroad have no say or right to vote in Jamaica’s elections. Jamaicans living in Jamaica should have the right to vote in Jamaica’s elections, that’s it.

Wickham,

Ontario, Canada

Now, why do women divorce? Studies have consistently shown that women are more likely to file for divorce than men. In fact, nearly 70 per cent of divorces are initiated by women. That’s according to a research study conducted by the American Sociological Association (ASA) which suggests that two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women.

Among college-educated women, that figure jumps to 90 per cent. Now that’s very high, and even though those figures are American based, I’m pretty sure that Jamaica fits right into that range also; if not exactly so, then nearly so.

Is it because women tend to fare better after divorce, as the courts are usually more favourable to them, especially in the USA? They get to keep almost everything — the house, car, children, even the dog — leaving the man with nothing.

The irony is brutal, for what does a woman bring to a marriage but sex, affection, and companionship? In most cases it’s the man who foots the lion’s share of the bills, mortgage or rent, utilities, school fees, etc, yet when she divorces, she’s not instructed by the court to continue giving the man sex and affection, but he has to continue with his financial obligations in perpetuity.

There are so many stories in the USA of women marrying wealthy men and entering the union with nothing but their two long hands and their vagina, then divorcing the man after two years and walking away with millions.

But guess what, women tend to get married more than men do. In fact, in the USA, women will get married multiple times, far more than men. Is it because they know that divorce favours them, and even if they do so multiple times, they are the ones who benefit? Of course, when you speak with them, it’s always the men’s fault, never theirs, each husband worse than the previous. Can you just imagine a man divorcing three times and having to pay alimony, maintenance, and such to three ex-wives? He’d end up in the poorhouse.

Still, why do women get divorced more than men do? One theory is that many women are never satisfied and are always looking for something or someone better, even when they’re already married.

So even as she’s with you, she’s just biding her time and on the lookout for someone or something better to come along. Many times you’ll hear a wife say this about her husband, “Oh, he’s okay, but deep down I know that I could have done better.”

Still, there are legitimate and tangible reasons why women divorce, with one being abuse, that scourge that is of pandemic proportions, as many women are victims of physical abuse from their men. Interestingly, some will endure it and stay, but often the woman will eventually leave.

“I just couldn’t stay with him any longer, the beating was just too severe.”

That being said, physical abuse accounts for only 20 per cent of divorces, with infidelity and lack of intimacy being higher.

There’s emotional abuse, which is often as powerful as the physical kind, and women will leave for that reason too. But apart from those cliché obvious reasons, many women leave marriages for other seemingly innocuous, invisible, intangible, yet very real reasons.

It’s been suggested that a woman often compares relationships, so the current man who she’s involved with is merely just another rung on her ladder. He is often compared to the previous men who she was involved with, so if he seems to fall short and doesn’t measure up to her ex or exes, it’s goodbye. I have explored comparative analysis in the past, and it’s corroborated by scientific research.

Some women may verbalise it, “You will never be the man that my ex was,” while others may not say it, but they’ll mentally compare. The question is though: If those exes were so great, why are they exes?

So at times the current guy will sense a glacial drifting away from her as she becomes distant, cold, aloof, just like the iceberg, with the tip showing some of the problem, but the larger issues laying beneath the surface, submerged but serious and ominous.

But guess what? Many women have to justify their leaving, so they’ll shift the onus to the man. She’ll pick frequent arguments out of the blue, find constant faults with the man, and spew forth a constant stream of criticism that pours like water on a rock, wearing it down by attrition. Her intention is to destroy the man’s self-esteem, break his will, make him feel as if he doesn’t measure up, has no worth. Until he reacts.

Only then will she find an excuse to leave. Her task is complete, her job is done, for it’s the reaction of the man that’s her catalyst for leaving. It’s hardly likely that a woman will just up and leave, unless it’s for another man. But it’s when the current man reacts to her ploy that gives her the excuse to leave. She has to justify it so she can then say, “He got cold and withdrew from me, so I had to leave him.”

Science has proven that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. But in affairs of the heart, for every action there is a reaction, but it’s not necessarily equal. I have spoken to many wives who have left men, and many of them aren’t even consciously aware of what they were doing but were simply acting out their emotional dissatisfaction and sabotage of the relationship as they dismantled the man bit by bit.

“I just found myself disliking him more and more every day and didn’t even know why.”

“Everything he did annoyed me, so I had to find a way out.”

The clinical research says that many wives feel held back by marriage, and the statistics of 90 per cent of college-educated women getting divorced corroborates those findings. If the woman feels that she’s basically better than the man and she can survive without him, then is gone she gone. I personally know of a few women who went back to school or got better paying jobs and left their men shortly after.

That being said, it’s very rare that you’ll see an uneducated woman of a lower socio-economic class leaving her man unless it’s for another man who has more than what her current man has to offer.

Also, some men are not supportive of their wives’ careers.

“He didn’t support me at all and tried to hold me back.”

But what about the men, why do men get divorced? Well, many men will tend to remain in the relationship because they want to have their cake and eat it too. So even if the man is not satisfied, fulfilled, or happy in the marriage, he’ll remain, but seek those pleasures elsewhere.

In effect, he’ll find someone else to fill that gap, and that’s perhaps why more men have mistresses on the side than wives have lovers. Long term that is, for a man will have a side chick for years, but a wife will have a lover until she eventually leaves her husband for him. But the saying goes, “never make your mistress your wife”, for “the same knife stick sheep stick goat”.

“Men leave women for other women, women leave men for another way of life.” — Larry Burns

“I walked away because you were too busy finding faults in me while I was too busy overlooking yours.”

So even though women tend to divorce more than men do, many men have the ability to leave the relationship not on a physical level, but on an emotional one.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: The issue of proper grooming and school attire is once again in the spotlight, and every new school term there are news reports about schoolchildren being punished for not conforming to the rules. Some schools go as far as to lock out students who are improperly dressed or for having hairstyles that do not conform to regulations. Well, each school has the right to impose its rules, for standards have to be maintained. I do not agree with locking out the students though. Maybe placing them in a holding area may be more appropriate. But rules are rules. You cannot enter certain buildings if you aren’t dressed properly, and signs are there saying that. You cannot go to foreign embassies if not dressed appropriately. I don’t see people protesting against those rules.