Men are but April when they woo,

December when they wed;

Maids are May when they are maids,

But the sky changes when they are wives.

— Shakespeare, As You Like It

I keep on telling you that relationships are like the four seasons — spring, summer autumn, winter — and as you can see from the quote above, I am spot on with my analysis. Men are April when they woo, courting, looking the woman, as we say here, for they are fresh, with a spring in their step, full of lyrics, life and lies.

But they’re like December when they wed, with no sunshine and warm breeze, but cold, dour, dank and dismal. Maids are like May when they are maids — young, sprightly, fresh and full of flavour and laughter. But the sky changes when they become wives. It gets dark.

Well, well, well, I am no Shakespeare, but I did explore the four seasons of relationships, with great emphasis on The Winter of Discontent that many couples experience when the relationship runs its course and changes from spring through summer, autumn, and eventually the Arctic blast of winter.

At that time, many couples may decide not to ride out the winter together, get the hell out of the relationship, leave the scene, call it quits, get out of Dodge City and get a divorce.

That’s old school though, and in many cases can be costly, as I’ve explained before. There are legal fees, dividing up of the assets, finding somewhere else to live, and a general dislocation of everyday life. It doesn’t have to be like that.

I stumbled upon a different if not new approach to separation that is utterly hassle free, inexpensive and emotionally painless for both parties. It’s called the silent divorce, where couples actually divorce without going through the legality, financial and other upheavals that come with the old time traditional divorce.

And while the concept may not be brand new, they now gave it a name, so it has come into being. We’ll see what it’s all about right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘The Man Code’.

Teerob,

I loved the man code. We men have to have a code to protect each other and to compete against what women have — a network of tattling, gossip and hearsay. As soon as a man does something, real or imagined, it’s broadcast by the women and goes viral as it expands with each transmission. Men have no such network and have to counter this with a wall of protection, a barrier against this verbal verbiage. Men have to stick together or we’ll have no chance.

Peter

Tony ,

What’s this nonsense about a man code? Isn’t this merely a childish schoolboy-like mentality that men create to alienate women? What they call the man code, we call lies and a cover up for their misdeeds. What about being honest with their partner without having to hide behind that cloak of deception called the man code?

Sylvia

There is more than one way to skin a cat. What an awful phrase that’s been repeated so often that it’s said without even giving thought to its origin. Can you just imagine actually skinning a cat, and to what end? Plus, who would have thought that there would be more than one way to skin a cat anyway?

Well, in the same vein of cat skinning, there are many ways to separate from your partner, with the ultimate one being divorce, the end, the final destination, the point of no return. Sure, people have parted ways for a while, or even tried a trial separation where they split for a period to see how they feel, then get back together if they so desire.

“I thought you guys broke up?”

“We did, but the separation didn’t work out, so we’re back together again.”

‘Same old story, same old song,

Goes all right till it goes all wrong,

Now you’re going, then you’re gone.

Same old story, same old song.’

— Randy Crawford

Then there is the dreaded divorce, which for some couples is akin to death, the ultimate, the end with no turning back. Some people take it in stride and move right along, but many never recover from the trauma. But there seems to be a less painful and viable alternative where couples can actually eat their cake and have it too.

‘The Silent Divorce’. Here’s how it works. It is a term for a marriage when the partners are emotionally disconnected and live separate lives, though they remain legally married and still live together. It’s not a legal process, but an emotional one, where a couple co-exists like roommates, devoid of intimacy, shared experiences or meaningful conversation.

When I mentioned the concept to some of my colleagues, one guy said, “But dat nuh new, dat sound like my marriage.” I do recall, while as a young man, reading about couples in Russia who actually got divorced but continued to live under the same roof due to a chronic housing shortage at the time.

I found it odd then, but I was young and idealistic and not yet fully wise to the ways of the world. Fast-forward to decades later, and I actually know of couples who are living that same scenario. They tell me, “Well, we both live in the same house, but that’s about it, nothing else.”

“She lives in one part of the house and I live in the other part.”

East is east and west is west and n’er the twain shall meet. That’s the concept of the silent divorce.

What I found interesting is that even though they’re living that way, they are not allowed to bring any third party into the house. It’s sorta like an unspoken but understood arrangement.

There’s emotional disconnection, with the most defining feature being a lack of emotional intimacy and communication. The two people live under the same roof but share nothing together, no exchange of thought, no suggestions, nuh likkle joke run, no questions asked, no “How was your day?”

They both leave for work in the morning and return in the evening with no words spoken between them. Old-time people used to call it malice, but in the silent divorce there is no malice, no bad feeling, no anger, just a cool indifference and aloofness as they pass each other like two ships in the night, with not even a hint of recognition if they happen to pass close by.

“I plead ignorance and apathy, I don’t know and couldn’t care less.”

There is no fighting, no quarrelling, no fussing or bickering, no conflict, for both parties have agreed to the terms and conditions of the silent divorce, so there is no need for war. Maybe it’s the same way that the eastern bloc and western countries had what was termed the Cold War many years ago.

No shots were fired, no bombs dropped, no troop invasion, but just an invisible conflict that had no tangible casualties. Such is the silent divorce. One casualty is intimacy though, for in the silent divorce there is no sex. How could there be, for sex is supposed to be the binding force that draws couples together, so if sex enters the picture, then the silent divorce would be in jeopardy. It’s certainly not like friends with benefits, for they aren’t friends and there are no benefits.

I’ll always remember an old friend of mine who told me that he and his wife hadn’t had sex for 25 years. I found it hard to believe at first until he related his sad tale with tears in his eyes to me.

“Twenty-five years and I can’t tell if she’s a man or a woman.”

Twenty-five years must be a record, and they’re still living together.

I also remember a former colleague of mine telling me how his wife bought a brand new BMW and didn’t even share the good news with him.

“It’s when I saw it parked in the driveway that I realised that it was hers,” he told me. So disconnected they were that there was no communication regarding the act of buying a brand new high-end vehicle. That’s the result of the silent divorce.

They both live parallel lives, with neither party knowing what’s happening in the other’s life. But the silent divorce does not happen overnight. It is described as what the experts call, ‘A Slow Fade’. People may simply lose interest in each other, stop caring about each other, experience a growing apathy and simply withdraw into their own lives.

It may occur naturally over a period of time without them even realising that they’re caught up, not in a legal divorce with the attendant legal ramifications and financial fiasco, but the silent type, just like a submarine that slips beneath the waves with nary a sound.

“OMG! I just realised that I’m involved in a silent divorce.”

For some couples it begins when the sex stops, for sex is a good barometer, an indication of emotional health and where romantic feelings are in the relationship. When the sex goes, that’s usually when the silent divorce begins.

And even though the term is new and all sorts of fancy phrases are used to define and explain it, the silent divorce has been around for a very long time. Just like hypertension and diabetes, many people are walking around in a silent divorce and don’t even know it. And that’s the shame of it.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Hurricane Melissa has really done a number on us and the effects will linger for a very long time. The stories of destruction and despair continue to affect us in different ways, but until you actually see the damage for yourself, you may not fathom the scale of the destruction. Hearing the horror stories is equally traumatic. A relative of mine, a farmer who lives in Bridgewater, Westmoreland, and who fell victim to the hurricane’s wrath, spent a few days with us last week. His story was heartbreaking, as he told of the fear, anguish and devastation as his wooden house blew down. And yet, he is in good spirits and thankful for life. That’s how we are as a people.