Counsellor,

When we got married I understood and was fine with ‘for richer or poorer’ as we both had big dreams and wanted to build together. However, while my career
took off, my husband’s dream of being a businessman who would create generational wealth is just that — a dream. Everything he tries fails, and we are in debt to the point where he’s calling me ‘salt’, and saying my family ‘obeahed’ him. He can’t accept his failures as his own, and when I tell him that his failings are because of his attitude to work and towards business, he insults me. Is there any way of saving this? Or should I cut this yoke from around my neck and move on?

Your husband isn’t very proficient at business, and it is impacting your relationship and you want to know how to address the situation. Understood. As is said, traditionally men are expected to bring home the bread, and if that is not happening there often is a challenge. Even very successful women want a man who’s being productive. Most men are themselves miserable if they cannot provide enough for their families. That’s what often drives men to attempt wacky business ventures. You are not alone in this predicament. Many wives are navigating similar situations.

Certainly, do not feel guilty for being concerned. If his business efforts aren’t viable and he is wasting resources, he truly may need to shut things down. Not everyone is an entrepreneur, however, and there are some things to consider. Has he tried accessing advisors? Is he open to getting help? Would you say you have tried to support his efforts? Men do need to feel that their wives are supporting what they are trying to create. Even if he’s failing, you have to choose your words correctly. He’ll probably say he’s doing it for you.

My advice:

Draw a line: Discuss with him the need to agree on a cut-off point for all investments. Figure out together an amount after which you will say, “No more ventures.” Men are logical, so he might be able to accept that plan. Maybe say, “Honey, I propose that if we go… (eg $500,000) in debt, we cannot try any more investments.” Reassure him of your love but also ask him to stop maligning you and your family.

Be strategic: Financial freedom comes through prudent financial management. That often includes investing, as working and saving alone doesn’t usually create wealth. Before throwing in the towel, consider giving him strategic incentives. Consider saying, “Dearest, if you make… [eg $300,000] next month I will… [be your absolute servant for the weekend.”] This appeals to his ego and can give him focus. It could also possibly help him find the drive you think he’s lacking. Challenge him, and promise him a reward that matters to him. You could test that for a couple months. If it fails, make a promise linked to him getting a job.

Stage an intervention: If he’s not listening or changing course then consider calling on a couple of trusted friends or relatives to sit with him. Let them know prior to their chat with him that you are very concerned and that you consider the marriage to be in jeopardy. Tell them what you need him to realise and do.

Make a plan: As a last resort, if he is unrelenting and still running the family into debt from failed investments, then consider how you’ll protect yourself. Think of a line you personally are not willing to cross. You may also need to get advised on debt consolidation and also some legal guidance.

The best outcome — if he’s not “striking it”— is finding a job. However, at the very least, he will have to stop wasting the family resources. I pray that a strategy you formulate will work and that you can both find peace and synergy.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.